Bah, Blah and Bupkis

So I got bupkis. I'm trying to write more on here but some days there just isn't much to say. Or rather there's a crap ton of stuff in my head, but I'm not sure how to get it all out. I worry about saying something offensive. About someone pitying us. About coming across too abrasive. About coming across as pathetic. So I got bupkis.

Today was kind of blah. Everyone has those days. Today was one for me. Work was ok. The gym was ok. Everything was just mediocre.I'm pretty sure it wasn't everyone else. I think it's me today.

Bah. People who think they're more important and transfer that idea to their kids. Lady who almost caused a three car accident with your three kids in the car, I"m giving you the dead eye. We live in a society where everyone likes to believe they are a special snowflake. Their kids are special snowflakes. Their pets are special snowflakes. And no one can be "wrong" but simply "that's their opinion and they're entitled to it". Everyone has to feel like they are heard about every single blooming subject and that their opinion is validated.

....um, clearly I'm a lot more Bah than I realized tonight. And possibly offensive if you actually do have a special snowflake.

Possibly the Worst Advice

I've debated for the last few weeks about writing this post. But I finally decided to bite the bullet and get this out. Consider it a PSA for those of you who know someone who is going through fertility treatments or infertility issues. I'm not speaking for everyone who has fertility concerns or issues, but in discussions with friends who have been down this road, this is a common feeling.

One of the worst things you might say to any woman who is trying to get pregnant is the word relax. I get why people say it. It makes you feel like you're helping, it's advice that everyone can relate to and there's nothing you can do to make the situation better. I've probably said it myself to friends and not even realized. But, if I'm being honest, I can only assume it makes you feel better. Because it does not make me feel better. What does the word "relax" or "Just try to relax" make me feel? A couple things:

1. That this is my fault. If I would just relax, my reproductive system would suddenly begin to work. If I would just relax I would be able to get pregnant. It's like having lemon juice squeezed over a paper cut - the cause hurts bad enough on it's own.

2. If all it took was being relaxed then we should have gotten pregnant when we started this journey almost 2 years ago. And it is a journey. You go places when you are navigating doctors and specialists and treatments that are completely foreign and uncomfortable, both physically and emotionally.

3. Why are there fertility specialists if relaxing is the thing to do? There'd be nothing for them to do beyond writing scrips for Ativan or something. Or all us ladies trying to have a baby would be camped out in Colorado smoking a whole lot of pot.

I do think that stressing over the lack of pregnancy, the worry that IUI won't work, the desperation of wanting a baby can be detrimental. There are too many stories about women, whom I'm sure we all know, that get pregnant when they stop treatments, when they adopt, when they make peace with not having a child, to discount the role that stress may play at times and in different situations. But I do not believe that stress is keeping me from getting pregnant. There are medical reasons that we're having trouble. Relaxing isn't gonna cause any of those reasons to improve.

The thing is there are no easy words of advice that bring comfort. The words that mean the most are words that tell me that even if my friends haven't gone through this, they still know it sucks. They realize that saying "I'm sorry that you have to go through this" means more than anything. Because the thing is, I know that no one can solve this problem with words. I don't need people to tell me it'll be ok and that it'll happen when it's meant to happen - because, peeps, it may not happen. Saying that it'll happen in God's time - nowhere in the Bible does it promise me that I will get to have a biological child. It just doesn't which means that in His time may mean it's not happening. And sometimes all I want is the acknowledgment that people get that this stinks. It doesn't mean that we have to belabor the point - you know it sucks, I know it sucks, we all wish it were different but it's not.

I don't mean to come off as being harsh or unfeeling toward my friends wanting to help, to sooth, to express their hopes for us. I love that our family and friends want to help us, to give us something to cling to. Working through infertility is like getting married in a way. Everyone will have an opinion on what you should do. And a lot of the time you have to let the advice and thoughts shed off you like water. You know they're giving advice because they care about you and they want to contribute in a way that could make things easier. So if you are reading this and you are one of my friends who has recommended I try to relax, please know that I'm not silently fuming or crying into my milk that no one understands. I know you meant well. But if this post makes anyone who reads it stop and think before offering the words "Just try to relax" to someone you know (besides me) that is trying to have a baby then I'm glad I wrote it. That person may need some words of hope, some words of love or just some recognition of the fartiness that infertility is.

I seriously love you, friends, even if you've told me to just relax.

A New Day

First of all, thank you for all the sweet words, texts and messages following my last post. I'm trying to be transparent about what DH and I are going through. That's hard to do! It may not be the road anyone else has traveled, or maybe you're going through the same thing. But it feels very lonely even knowing other friends have had or are having the same issues while trying to have a family.

My Person and I were talking about this yesterday. One of the hardest things about being in this process is that you know people want to love on you, to make you feel better, to give you hope. But the hard truth of it is that I'm not promised to have a baby of my own. I'm just not. That doesn't mean we won't have a family if I can't, for whatever reason, have a baby. But I am being very careful to try and find hope in truth.

Today is a new day, as is tomorrow and the days after that. Today I'm choosing to see the joy in spending more time with just my DH. To make memories that would be impossible once life does change for us in time. To appreciate the time I have to curl up on the couch with a good book and a sweet Evie-Cake. To sip a glass of wine (well until our specialist tells me to lay off the juice) in front of the fire. To play chase with Henry through the house without worrying about tripping over any little ones, just my own two feet.

Today is a new day. Today I choose to see the joy before me.

Isaiah 49:16 "See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands; your walls are ever before me."

The Ugly Side of Trying to Have a Family

I am angry. I'm angry at so many things. I'm angry at our society that tells me I can be whatever I want to be and I can do it all. Society tells me that I can be a mother. So why am I not a mother? It's not enough to want something. Sometimes there are obstacles that are not able to be overcame. It feels like it today. I'm angry at Clomid. I'm angry at my body. I'm lashing out at everyone around me in my head. I want to throw things and break things. I want to scream until I no longer can speak. I want to curl up in a ball and never come back into everyday life. I want to be ok with where I am now. But I'm not. I want  more than what I have. I want what it seems like absolutely every single absolute every other person in my life has.

This life I have should be enough. It should be enough to have a wonderful husband who loves me no matter how crazy I get. It should be enough to have two beautiful furbabies who think I hung the moon...or at least their food bowls. It should be enough that I have friends and family with little ones to love on. But it just isn't. It isn't enough.

This is when my mind starts to whirl in mad circles. Maybe I don't have enough faith. Maybe I'm being punished for something that I did, some slight, some wrong. Maybe because I want it so badly. Maybe I'm not good enough. And I know these are all lies but they feel true today. They feel insurmountable. Neverending. Abysmal. Satan is good at the abject and manipulating what he delights in.

An incredibly wise kid I knew said once that even when darkness seems to be all around, all it takes is the smallest light to make it flee. I know that light is waiting somewhere but today I'm covered in darkness.

In the darkness, I'm trying to remember that there is joy in every situation but I'm failing. I don't know why God has us where we are. I'm trying to seek the wisdom in this situation, what are we supposed to be learning, what is it that He has for us instead. But today I'm in the desert. I feel abandoned and nowhere near Sinai. But because I feel abandoned doesn't mean He's walked away from me. He's waiting for me to see Him again, to reach for what I know is near but can't seem to grasp in my disappointment and fear of what may not come to pass. The only way around where I am is to run straight through it into His arms. He's waiting for me.

Psalm 40:11 and 17
(11)"Do not withhold your mercy from me, O Lord; may your love and your truth always protect me. (17) Yet I am poor and needy; may the Lord think of me. You are my help and my deliverer; O my God, do not delay."  

Not Teenage Worries

Trying to have a family isn't as easy as I thought it would be. I never thought that we would be dipping our toes into the "infertility" pool. It kind of sucks, right? As teenagers, whether you're having sex or not, you worry about getting pregnant. And now I'm worrying about NOT getting pregnant. DH and I are happy, so happy, just being married. This should be enough for us. We have each other and we have our furry babies. We have great jobs and wonderful families. We are blessed in a myriad of ways. But we want a family.

A family. It doesn't have to look like everyone else's family. But I want it. I want it so bad I can taste it. I want it bad enough that we're on the Clomid train. Oh, what's that? Twins you say? Bring it. Even a slight chance of triplets? I'll take those odds.

Would DH and I be happy without a family? We could be. Will a baby be the glue that keeps us together? Nope. We're the glue that holds us together. Well, and God. Without Him we're up the creek without a paddle. Would we be a kick ass mom and dad? You bet.

What I know, though, is that if Clomid doesn't work, if we have to jump through flaming hoops, move toward adoption or further then that's what we'll do. And in the meantime, we're keeping our eyes open for what God is showing us right now. What He's teaching us right now. What we could be doing that's bigger right now. But I would be really thrilled if the Clomid train would reach it's intended destination.

Until then you can probably find me in the kitchen, eating donuts and drinking wine.

Weekend Update

How was y'alls weekends? Is that proper English? How were ya'lls weekends? Y'all's?

It was a crazy weekend. In fact, I look kind of crazy right now - I'm trying to stretch my wedding shoes so I am sporting yoga pants, a bright yellow t-shirt that says "The Burgh", air dried curly hair and my 4 inch turquoise wedges.

Anyway, DH and I had a busy weekend, as has become our norm. He's been incredibly busy at work this last week or two and had to spend some time at the office on Saturday. This is not the standard for us, so it's easy to let it happen now and then again. I got to spend the morning with my future SIL. We have so much fun when we get the chance to see each other! I'm excited to have a sister here with me, for sure.

I can't forget to mention that we hung out with our good friends at dinner that night, which was just what DH needed after this past week.

Sunday brought DH and I's last run before the half marathon we're doing this weekend. It was a great run for me but not so great for DH. We're hoping that next weekend will be amazing for both of us! The race day adrenaline usually will get you through but you never know what may happen. If my history is anything to go by, we will have a freak ice storm that will hit at mile 7 and we'll have to ice skate the final 6 miles to the finish line. Pray for us. Seriously.

And Sunday afternoon we had an appointment with the wedding venue. I thought, naively it turns out, that we would go in and pick out everything in 20 minutes flat. Feel free to laugh heartily at me right now. We walked out 2 HOURS later. My knees almost gave out in the parking lot at the thought of all we had talked about.

Today brought more wedding stuff - does this ever end prior to the wedding day???? - and a ton of floor to ceiling cleaning, laundry and the gym. There's a lasagna in the oven (homemade of course) that is calling my name along with a bottle of Sauv Blanc in the fridge.

Let's hope I don't break an ankle walking to the kitchen as I would have to take that as a sign that these shoes were a bad decision.

What Happens In 4 Months?

It's been a looong time since I linked up with Shell. And I fear that I've become the blogger who only talks about her wedding. But y'all, it's what's on my mind.

We are less than 4 months away from the big I Do. We're finishing up the invitations, completing little touches with friends, waiting on wedding bands (the kind you wear) and getting fittings done. Showers and bachelorette/bachelor parties have yet to happen. We're already bittersweet that so many great friends are coming into town for this affair yet we won't get to just sit down and spend time with all of them.

The overarching concern in my heart is making the transition/redefining the lines from daughter to wife, from fiance to wife, from fiance to sister in law, from fiance to daughter in law. The whole process of planning a wedding, preparing for a marriage, to leave behind what was and move toward what will be has been exhilarating and exhausting all at the same time.

Thanks Shell

I'm Back!

Blogging friends, I'm SO excited to finally be able to type again! We went to Care Now and they x-rayed my finger, said I was good to go. No splint, no more fracture, no more poking kids in the eyeballs while trying to put insert earphones in. I celebrated by spinning around on the doctor's stool until I was dizzy.

So here's a couple things that I wanted to share.
1. Turn signals are not optional and I don't have ESP. I am not Kreskin. I am not Madam Cleo. Please don't get sore butt when I choose to NOT let you merge into the side of my car without warning. This goes for all of you minivan driving moms - do you drive like that with your KIDS in the car?????

2. Dear FW ISD bus driver who was one her cell phone, it is never a good idea to pull a school bus into on-coming traffic. I realize that you have a route to keep and a schedule to run on time. This would be easier if you would hang up your cell phone. This will be infinitely harder should you ram the bus through my car. I will be upset and may physically harm you as soon as the jaws of life release me from the scrap metal my care will be reduced to.

3. Big Bang Theory and How I Met Your Mother are on with new episodes! That is all.

4. Henry loves the laser pointer we bought him. But he is perpetually confused about where it goes when we stop playing. I'm convinced he's going to start losing (more) fur and attack anything that moves.

I promise that I have a ton of post ideas but I just needed to blog about not much of anything to get started. When I started this blog I had no idea I would miss this so much!

Cross Country

One of the scariest moments of my life was when I took a job in the Deep South. I was getting ready to graduate, I was full of expectations and hope about a new job, I had a boyfriend who was going to move to the same area...life was good. But scary.


Three years and a couple months ago I did something that a lot of people say was brave or cool or something they didn't think they could do. I packed up my graduate apartment the week after graduation and prepared to make my way in the world. Five states away. Where I had visited exactly two times - once to interview and once to find an apartment.


On a side note, if you're ever looking to get rid of most of your belongings, pay attention. First, apply for positions all over the country where you know no one. Second, take a job five states away from where you currently live. Third, realize that there is no way you can afford to hire a moving truck, have your family drive the truck while you drive you car and then pay for your family to fly home.  Four, realize with a sinking heart that the only way to do this is to ship your books via post office,  put what fits in the car and buy all new furniture once you get to your new city. Five, look at your very small very old two door car and go buy a bigger more reliable car. I guarantee that this will result in you jettisoning 95% of your belongings. By the time I was packed I couldn't even fit the Brita in my car. 


The couple days before leaving for my lonely drive to Texas was accompanied by bouts of crying, stress over what I could actually get in my car, spending sweet time with friends and returning to my childhood home for a last few precious days with my parents and family.


I think I've never been as scared as when I pulled out of my parents driveway to begin the three day drive. I pushed back second thoughts and tears for hours the first day. I kept up a pretty good front until I reached Texarkana on my second day. I had driven nine hours that day through a very gray and rainy Tennessee and Arkansas. I got to my anonymous hotel that night and lost my mind. The tears flowed and I questioned my decision to move so far away from everything and everyone I knew. I wanted to turn around and head home. But instead I went to bed, woke the next morning, did a sprint through Ikea for furniture and headed further west.


In retrospect, this was the perfect place for me to be. I love Texas, thank Heavens! I love my job...most of the time. And that boyfriend? He also got jettisoned. He couldn't fit in the car. 


Linking up with Mama Kat! Click on her button below and share some blog love with the other's linking up!

Closets of the Heart....again

Mama Kat has challenged me this week. It seemed easy enough - repost something that you wrote in July of a past year. I had to reread some of those posts to figure out which to repost. And this one still resonates to a huge degree. Did you know that everything has a resonant frequency where it vibrates with the least amount of stimulation? Apparently my personal resonant frequency has a bit of fear in it. But even more courage.

Originally posted July 2011
Have you ever thought you'd bested some of your greatest fears or weaknesses or flaws or hurts only to have them jump out of a closet at you? Um, figuratively, people. In case you know my fear of closets...the Jabberwocky didn't jump out and grab me last night. Breath easy.

I'm starting to realize that those fears or hurts don't ever leave totally. If you've read this post you know that I believe that we're changed by our experiences. However, changed does not equal being forever damaged. We still have the ability and wherewithal to choose to be different and not be defined by what others have done to us. Even when those actions have directed our steps. It has to be a conscious decision to take the experience and use it for what we need, though.

It's not always easy to do, recognize truth in the face of so many lies and twisted words that we tell ourselves. I had to remember this recently and slam that closet door shut again. I gain strength every time I need to heft myself against that door and it's still rusty hinges. Now if I could only find some proverbial WD-40...

Forgiveness

Forgiveness is the remission of sins. For it is by this that what has been lost, and was found, is saved from being lost again.
Saint Augustine


Forgiveness. Oh brother. I've been thinking a lot lately about this topic. What constitutes forgiveness, what is enough for someone to forgive you, what is outside the realm of expectations. Forgiveness is a two way street I think. There is an issue that causes the need for forgiveness to be sought and offered. When the issue is a big deal kind of thing, the seeking and offering is that much more complicated. Every issue needs to be dealt with, whether it's the off the cuff "That really sucked" or the very involved "We need to hash this out no matter how long it takes". But in the end, the issue cannot dictate the forgiveness or the remainder of the relationship whether marital, parental or friendship.


Should the seriousness of the transgression equal the level of self-flagellation demonstrated? This is an actual question. Personally I don't think so. Sometimes what are the smallest issues cause the most regret and hurt and growth. Sometimes the biggest issues motivate little growth and in retrospect little hurt.


Where I struggle the most is that as a believer I'm instructed to forgive. Not to exact revenge or rules or stipulations before forgiving, but to forgive. Forgiveness isn't blind, it doesn't mean that there should be no learning, no caution following the forgiveness. And I do try to do that. I'm human and will allow my hurt or pain or regret or urge to please to shape my forgiveness and my being forgiven. On the flip side of that though, I do feel that I forgive pretty quickly. 


And as a believer I also trust that I should forgive even when it seems like it's too big of a thing to do. Because if God can have the mercy to forgive me how can I not give forgiveness in the same way? I expect the same from those who I am in relationship with, whether future marital, current parental or current friendship. It's not okay to approach forgiveness of another as a series of hoops to be jumped through, to have a list of things that require improvement first, to keep that issue alive as a reminder to the other person how magnanimous you are to forgive them. That's not what a believer does. It's not even what a good friend, parent or spouse does.


The quote at the top of the post speaks to me. If you don't feel that what was found and saved was worth not losing, then perhaps it should have stayed lost. And if you want to not lose again what was saved, then perhaps hoops, stipulations and reminders of how that person disappointed you should be left on the wayside. Or you may be what is left behind instead.


The post of my heart this week. Shell, as always, I'm pouring out my heart.

Madness

I haven't disappeared, y'all. Just sucked into wedding planning madness. I'll return to sanity shortly, I hope. We're close, fingers crossed, to finding a venue and caterer. That will make all the difference in the world!