So I'm just going to do a quick check-in on my resolutions today.
1. I have actually blogged once a week. I know it's only been 4 weeks, but still, that's almost more than I posted the entire last year, if not more. I am still trying to get used to writing again.
2. I have moved some baking supplies around but I have not yet culled anything. I think I might have to take a Saturday to do that. And drink wine because I feel like my baking supplies are close dear friends and I hate having to get rid of anything, even the friends I've never had a cup of coffee with.
3. I'm working on figuring out the emotional and spiritual healing. I started to read Brene Brown's Braving the Wilderness but I ran out of time on the library loan and really it's the kind of book I need to buy so I can write all over it, highlight, etc. But just the first few chapters had a lot of insights.
Oh, and that paper planner? Totally killing it with the paper planner. I feel so much more productive!
Wednesday, January 30, 2019
Wednesday, January 23, 2019
Belonging
I don't really know where I belong right now.
That's hard just to type, honestly. I have been aware for a while that I am still angry about our infertility. That's ok. There's no prescribed end to anger, or grief for that matter. I have a lot of underlying anger, it's low, it's simmering and it's affecting my ability to pray and learn and have truth poured in to me and for me to share with others and support them.
I shared this with my friends in our life group just this weekend and then I started Braving the Wilderness by Brene Brown. In the very first chapter it felt like she was reaching out and placing a finger on my heart. The chapter deals with our need to belong. And that seems to be, at least the starting place, of what I am longing for. It also touches on why we belong to nowhere and everywhere at the same time when we can be brave enough to be who we are.
I know that we all want to belong, and just because we reach certain places in life or certain statuses that belonging is not a given. But two and a half years after treatment ended I still feel that I'm floundering with where I belong, both within my friend groups and in life in general.
There is no simple answer to any of this. I get it, I know it. I sure wish there was.
That's hard just to type, honestly. I have been aware for a while that I am still angry about our infertility. That's ok. There's no prescribed end to anger, or grief for that matter. I have a lot of underlying anger, it's low, it's simmering and it's affecting my ability to pray and learn and have truth poured in to me and for me to share with others and support them.
I shared this with my friends in our life group just this weekend and then I started Braving the Wilderness by Brene Brown. In the very first chapter it felt like she was reaching out and placing a finger on my heart. The chapter deals with our need to belong. And that seems to be, at least the starting place, of what I am longing for. It also touches on why we belong to nowhere and everywhere at the same time when we can be brave enough to be who we are.
I know that we all want to belong, and just because we reach certain places in life or certain statuses that belonging is not a given. But two and a half years after treatment ended I still feel that I'm floundering with where I belong, both within my friend groups and in life in general.
There is no simple answer to any of this. I get it, I know it. I sure wish there was.
Tuesday, January 15, 2019
It's On the Calendar
I bought a paper planner for this year. I cannot be trusted with an iPhone calendar. They only work if you put stuff on them, FYI. I was supposed to be hanging out with a friend who has some littles. Turns out that the littles are sick or getting over being sick so I added BLOG to tonight's calendar. And if it is on the calendar it must be done.
There's big happenings here that I'll share at some point. But tonight is a little low key so I suppose I should actually write.
We started watching Season 3 of True Detective and thank all the stars above that this season is much more reminiscent of the first season and not the second. We're already hooked in and it gives us something to watch while we wait for April 14th to roll around....which is Game of Thrones season premiere for the final time.
There's clearly not much happening here so let me wrap this up. The point is just to write regularly and they won't all be winners...
BOOKS OF THE WEEK
I know I said that Obsidio was up next. I lied. I want to savor that book which means I will keep pushing it back.
In Progress on my Kindle:
Elysium Fire by Alastair Reynolds. I hold dystopian/post-apocalytic fiction in high regard. It has a special place in my heart. Maybe because I worry about the world becoming a worse place, I like to know that in the future there will be rebels fighting for better good of all. Anyway, whatever the reason I liked this book from the beginning. This is set on planets that were developed with a bigger overseeing government. I'm not too far in but I also like a scrappy female protagonist.
Up Next:
The Ministry of Utmost Happiness by Arundhati Roy
Braving the Wilderness by Brene Brown
There's big happenings here that I'll share at some point. But tonight is a little low key so I suppose I should actually write.
We started watching Season 3 of True Detective and thank all the stars above that this season is much more reminiscent of the first season and not the second. We're already hooked in and it gives us something to watch while we wait for April 14th to roll around....which is Game of Thrones season premiere for the final time.
There's clearly not much happening here so let me wrap this up. The point is just to write regularly and they won't all be winners...
BOOKS OF THE WEEK
I know I said that Obsidio was up next. I lied. I want to savor that book which means I will keep pushing it back.
In Progress on my Kindle:
Elysium Fire by Alastair Reynolds. I hold dystopian/post-apocalytic fiction in high regard. It has a special place in my heart. Maybe because I worry about the world becoming a worse place, I like to know that in the future there will be rebels fighting for better good of all. Anyway, whatever the reason I liked this book from the beginning. This is set on planets that were developed with a bigger overseeing government. I'm not too far in but I also like a scrappy female protagonist.
Up Next:
The Ministry of Utmost Happiness by Arundhati Roy
Braving the Wilderness by Brene Brown
Saturday, January 12, 2019
Hey look! I'm blogging!
I'm trying to stick to this once a week blogging that I have set for myself. I meant to write earlier this week and I just kept setting it aside. I did actually buy a paper planner for myself this year instead of relying on my phone. I got it in the mail yesterday and I'm really excited for getting things organized and planning my writing time.
I was overwhelmed by the amount of choices for a planner, and then I saw an ad on Instagram for one. Yes, advertising works, at least on me. So I checked out the company and the options they have and went with them. It's a company called ink+volt. I'm happy with my choice and it was enough that I'll actually use it and not so much that I feel really bad about spending the money.
Plus this will help with our budgeting when I need to remember to buy gifts or have holidays/vacations coming up that need money to be set aside.
I know, y'all can hardly contain yourselves with how exciting this post is!
As I was thinking about what to do differently this year I also think to help hold myself accountable in a fun way, I'm going to list all the books I have read or am reading the week of the post.
BOOKS OF THE WEEK
In Progress on my Kindle:
Smoke & Pickles by Edward Lee - this is interesting and a mix of memoir and cook book.
Bravetart: Iconic American Desserts by Stella Parks - I need this book for life to continue!
The Whole Town's Talking by Fannie Flagg - so far it's a very readable enjoyable read as most of her's are.
Up Next:
Obsidio by Amie Kaufman - This is the third book in a trilogy of graphic novels. I own the whole series in hardback because the graphics are amazing. These are not books I ever thought I would enjoy which goes to show you should definitely pick up books that are outside your comfort zone!
Happy Reading y'all! I've got to run. Link is obsessed with the laptop and is trying to figure out how he can use his claws to oust me from in front of the keyboard. Let a cat watch Youtube videos once and he turns into a despot. Sheesh.
I was overwhelmed by the amount of choices for a planner, and then I saw an ad on Instagram for one. Yes, advertising works, at least on me. So I checked out the company and the options they have and went with them. It's a company called ink+volt. I'm happy with my choice and it was enough that I'll actually use it and not so much that I feel really bad about spending the money.
Plus this will help with our budgeting when I need to remember to buy gifts or have holidays/vacations coming up that need money to be set aside.
I know, y'all can hardly contain yourselves with how exciting this post is!
As I was thinking about what to do differently this year I also think to help hold myself accountable in a fun way, I'm going to list all the books I have read or am reading the week of the post.
BOOKS OF THE WEEK
In Progress on my Kindle:
Smoke & Pickles by Edward Lee - this is interesting and a mix of memoir and cook book.
Bravetart: Iconic American Desserts by Stella Parks - I need this book for life to continue!
The Whole Town's Talking by Fannie Flagg - so far it's a very readable enjoyable read as most of her's are.
Up Next:
Obsidio by Amie Kaufman - This is the third book in a trilogy of graphic novels. I own the whole series in hardback because the graphics are amazing. These are not books I ever thought I would enjoy which goes to show you should definitely pick up books that are outside your comfort zone!
Happy Reading y'all! I've got to run. Link is obsessed with the laptop and is trying to figure out how he can use his claws to oust me from in front of the keyboard. Let a cat watch Youtube videos once and he turns into a despot. Sheesh.
Tuesday, January 1, 2019
New Year's Resolutions
I don't really like New Year's resolutions. It feels kind of perfunctory to have to decide to make changes just because it's the beginning of a year. But I'm going to make some this year. In short order:
1. I am going to blog once a week and I am not going to link to Facebook initially. I feel really stuck with where to go with this blog. And for that matter, why do I have to go anywhere with it? I can just write whatever I want and send it into the void and forget about it.
So much of this blog in the last few years has centered on our infertility. Just because we have ended treatment doesn't mean that the grief over not having our children has ended. But I also don't want to focus on what cannot be changed. I'm sure it will be a focal point no matter how I decide to direct this blog but I do not want to have the central theme be what we are lacking.
2. I am finally going to organize all my baking supplies in a way that works for me. I have so many cookie cutters that I don't know what I actually have. Sprinkles are practically coming out my ears. I have baking contraptions that I have never used and may never use. Right now most supplies are in gallon storage bags and rubbermaid containers.
This won't be easy as I have an extremely hard time visualizing what space I have and what can realistically fit in that space.
3. I turn 40 this year. I don't feel 40 and I'm not having any difficulty, at least right now, with turning 40. But I do want to go into my 40th year on this planet as strong physically and in spirit as possible. That means I have to start figuring out some shit, primarily regarding our failed attempts to have a family. I have a lot of underlying anger still and I don't want to hold on to it. I don't want to be stuck, but I don't know what is normal in these circumstances. And I don't know if normal will apply to me either. Maybe your normal isn't what is good for me and vice versa.
To that end, I signed up for a transformation challenge at OTF. I am pretty consistent in getting there 4 times a week. But my diet could use some tweaking. The challenge starts at the end of January and goes until St Patrick's Day. My birthday is just a week and a half after that, so I think that will be good for me. I don't anticipate winning any money....I mean, let's be realistic. I don't lose weight that fast so instead I'm using this as a way to make me more accountable to myself and whichever coach I'm assigned to clean up how I eat. E and I want to be as independent and in as good health as we can be for as long as possible. That means we can't wait until we're in our 70's to decide that we need to start working out.
Here's to 2019!
1. I am going to blog once a week and I am not going to link to Facebook initially. I feel really stuck with where to go with this blog. And for that matter, why do I have to go anywhere with it? I can just write whatever I want and send it into the void and forget about it.
So much of this blog in the last few years has centered on our infertility. Just because we have ended treatment doesn't mean that the grief over not having our children has ended. But I also don't want to focus on what cannot be changed. I'm sure it will be a focal point no matter how I decide to direct this blog but I do not want to have the central theme be what we are lacking.
2. I am finally going to organize all my baking supplies in a way that works for me. I have so many cookie cutters that I don't know what I actually have. Sprinkles are practically coming out my ears. I have baking contraptions that I have never used and may never use. Right now most supplies are in gallon storage bags and rubbermaid containers.
This won't be easy as I have an extremely hard time visualizing what space I have and what can realistically fit in that space.
3. I turn 40 this year. I don't feel 40 and I'm not having any difficulty, at least right now, with turning 40. But I do want to go into my 40th year on this planet as strong physically and in spirit as possible. That means I have to start figuring out some shit, primarily regarding our failed attempts to have a family. I have a lot of underlying anger still and I don't want to hold on to it. I don't want to be stuck, but I don't know what is normal in these circumstances. And I don't know if normal will apply to me either. Maybe your normal isn't what is good for me and vice versa.
To that end, I signed up for a transformation challenge at OTF. I am pretty consistent in getting there 4 times a week. But my diet could use some tweaking. The challenge starts at the end of January and goes until St Patrick's Day. My birthday is just a week and a half after that, so I think that will be good for me. I don't anticipate winning any money....I mean, let's be realistic. I don't lose weight that fast so instead I'm using this as a way to make me more accountable to myself and whichever coach I'm assigned to clean up how I eat. E and I want to be as independent and in as good health as we can be for as long as possible. That means we can't wait until we're in our 70's to decide that we need to start working out.
Here's to 2019!
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