The Face of Infertility

This week is National Infertility Awareness Week. I wasn't going to blog because, c'mon yinz guys...I feel like that's all this blog has been about for the last three years. But today is one of those days. It's a heavy day. And sometimes it helps to get that out in the gym (tried it), on paper (currently typing) or through song (I don't have enough gas in the state of Texas to drive and sing this out).

We are the face of infertility. E and I. It's not just us. I will guarantee you that we are not the only people you know who are struggling/have struggled/will struggle with trying to have a family. But tonight's post is just about me.

It's been nine months since we had our failed transfer. We realized that this past Sunday. It's a sobering realization. This should have been a joyous time in our lives, a time of counting fingers and toes, a time of not enough sleep, a time of too many diapers and making sure the cats didn't smother a newborn since babies are just so warm and easy to curl up with.

Normally I would try and make lemonade at this point...with some vodka to smooth the edges. But tonight I'm in a lemons mood. Our lives will always look different from what we imagined. Our new normal is heartbreaking in the smallest most surprising ways.

I can't sit through baby dedications at church. Hearing babies cry in the waiting room at work can be heart wrenching. Books and movies and TV shows are a minefield of pregnancy story lines, lame jokes about sleep deprivation, and completely unrealistic infertility story lines with *surprise surprise* happy endings. Even Second Lady Pence is contributing to the fallacies that abound in the public about infertility. Let me just say here and now that the Jesus I know loves science. So I don't think He has serious concerns over using the science that we have to try and have babies when our bodies are broken. Conceiving or lack of is not tied to anyone's faith.

"Relax and it'll happen."

"When it's God's timing."

"Have you tried a natural diet?"

"You can always just adopt."

"Eat pineapple, drink pomegranate juice, take herbs, do eastern medicine."

In the last few days of this week, if you know someone whose heart has been scoured raw by infertility, do them a favor. Support them. Don't offer advice. If you're a believer pray for their hearts and grace and mercy. Let them cry or rage or pretend that nothing is wrong.

I didn't write this post to garner sympathy or to make anyone feel bad for us. It's just a picture of what this life looks like with infertility and no options left. Tomorrow will be less heavy. Even happy. This weekend will be amazing. The heavy times will ebb and flow just as the good times do.

Italian Easter Bread - Minus the Eggs

I know, I know. I always say I'm going to write more and then I don't. And you all sit at home staring at your computer screen screaming "WHHHHHHHY?????" Well, maybe not.

Per my usual MO, I had to try baking something new this Easter. I can't be fine with the regular sugar cookies or dying eggs. Nope. I have to try something new. This year's experiment is Italian Easter Bread. It's spiked with anise and orange zest and right now my kitchen smells amazing. It also, incidentally, smells like bacon. When I bake something new and tomorrow is a day off of work, there may or may not be some wine involved. Which leads to breakfast at 10:30pm, as it should. Because sustenance is needed when baking! And there's 2 hours left to go between baking and cooling loaves.

Now....before anyone who is an Italian scrolls down and notices that there are no hard cooked eggs dotting my bread, can I just say that I find whole eggs in bread weird? I'm sorry. Maybe I'm more German than Italian? But it just gives me the heebie jeebies. So this is a hard cooked egg free version.

Does anyone remember when two years ago I attempted quick bread at Easter and it was as flat as pancakes? In case you need a reminder....

My caption on Facebook was "My bread didn't rise but Jesus did!"

Yeast bread scares the crap out of me. If the liquid is too hot you kill the yeast. If it's too cold the yeast doesn't activate. And you won't know until it's too late. If you underproof or overproof the world will end, according to Paul Hollywood. Supposedly you can tell if it's over or under based on the crumb and the density? All I know is bread is bread is bread is bread. Luckily this recipe rose beautifully both through the first and second proofing. Here's a picture of the unglazed loaves that are cooling at the moment.

It's a recipe from Brown Eyed Baker (http://www.browneyedbaker.com/italian-easter-bread-recipe/) and she talks about Pgh...so this has to be good, right? Incidentally, this is the second time in 4 months that I have overrun my Kitchen Aid mixer. This dough is a beast. It's 8 cups of flour and so by the time all the liquids and fats were added, it was coming all the way up to the attachment housing. Is this a sign that E should get me the industrial mixer next time around? Where would we even store it? Guess I'll have to keep the one I have.

I'll have to try and remember to post a picture of the finished products before they're wrapped and gifted. If I don't eat it all before then.

I hope everyone has a wonderful Easter weekend!