Saint Augustine
Forgiveness. Oh brother. I've been thinking a lot lately about this topic. What constitutes forgiveness, what is enough for someone to forgive you, what is outside the realm of expectations. Forgiveness is a two way street I think. There is an issue that causes the need for forgiveness to be sought and offered. When the issue is a big deal kind of thing, the seeking and offering is that much more complicated. Every issue needs to be dealt with, whether it's the off the cuff "That really sucked" or the very involved "We need to hash this out no matter how long it takes". But in the end, the issue cannot dictate the forgiveness or the remainder of the relationship whether marital, parental or friendship.
Should the seriousness of the transgression equal the level of self-flagellation demonstrated? This is an actual question. Personally I don't think so. Sometimes what are the smallest issues cause the most regret and hurt and growth. Sometimes the biggest issues motivate little growth and in retrospect little hurt.
Where I struggle the most is that as a believer I'm instructed to forgive. Not to exact revenge or rules or stipulations before forgiving, but to forgive. Forgiveness isn't blind, it doesn't mean that there should be no learning, no caution following the forgiveness. And I do try to do that. I'm human and will allow my hurt or pain or regret or urge to please to shape my forgiveness and my being forgiven. On the flip side of that though, I do feel that I forgive pretty quickly.
And as a believer I also trust that I should forgive even when it seems like it's too big of a thing to do. Because if God can have the mercy to forgive me how can I not give forgiveness in the same way? I expect the same from those who I am in relationship with, whether future marital, current parental or current friendship. It's not okay to approach forgiveness of another as a series of hoops to be jumped through, to have a list of things that require improvement first, to keep that issue alive as a reminder to the other person how magnanimous you are to forgive them. That's not what a believer does. It's not even what a good friend, parent or spouse does.
The quote at the top of the post speaks to me. If you don't feel that what was found and saved was worth not losing, then perhaps it should have stayed lost. And if you want to not lose again what was saved, then perhaps hoops, stipulations and reminders of how that person disappointed you should be left on the wayside. Or you may be what is left behind instead.
The post of my heart this week. Shell, as always, I'm pouring out my heart.
I struggle with forgiving people who don't fess up to what they did. It's hard for me to let go when someone just completely denies they did anything wrong.
ReplyDeleteI'm also really bad at forgiving myself. Is that why they say forgiveness is divine? Because it's so difficult, I imagine.
I agree...it's so much harder for me to forgive myself.
DeleteI can forgive. That doesn't mean I can forget. Love you girl!
ReplyDeleteForgetting is dangerous sometimes.
DeleteI'm really bad at forgiveness. It's my most major character flaw and I know it. Regardless of how much I read about forgiveness or how much I want to forgive readily and often I just can't. It's like there's some part of me that doesn't even understand what forgiveness really means or feels like.
ReplyDeletePeeper, it's such a weird concept. And when we're told society's idea and the church's idea and the biblical idea, it winds up a huge ball of "What????" I don't know what forgiveness should feel like for anyone else. Somedays I don't know what it feels like or means to me, too.
DeleteForgiveness is something I've struggled with for years. I wish I could forgive easily but it's been hard for me. Something I work on all the time.
ReplyDeleteKeep after it girl!
DeleteForgiveness is such a huge thing...both in the giving and getting to be sure. Sometimes it is a minute by minute decision to forgive and often times we have to forgive ourselves before we can offer it to anyone else. Amazing how simple yet difficult this concept is.
ReplyDeleteSounds like you've got an amazing grasp on it. Visiting from PYHO
Ducky, thanks so much for the compliment! I have read and reread your comment because it is so true and yet so simple. Especially the minute by minute forgiveness.
DeleteI've found a huge difference between forgiving and forgetting. I can forgive and let the anger go, but if it was something big, I'm always guarded after that.
ReplyDeleteShell, I totally agree. I have had situations that have checked me for life, probably, when it comes to anything similar. I hold back just a little more than I would've before.
DeleteTwo forgiveness posts in a row. I do think it's OK to set boundaries after forgiveness. Forgiving someone doesn't mean it's OK, we are just being obedient to God. But, I struggle with the line between holding a grudge and just having boundaries to protect myself from future hurt. I can't tell the difference...It's a tough one.
ReplyDeleteAnd that obedience part is so difficult sometimes, to be able to set aside the hurt human emotional things and trust Him to relieve that.
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