Our Nativity Tradition

Growing up we had a tradition during Advent season. My parents have continued this tradition even as we've grown, moved away and grandkids have come into the picture, with some slight tweaks. Four Sunday's before Christmas we would start to place the figures in the Nativity. My parent's nativity set is a china set and we've not lost a piece in 30+ years, despite the youngest grandkiddo tossing Baby Jesus like a bowling ball this year. It wasn't his first tumble and it won't be the last, I'm sure. My dad would read the passages from the Bible and we would have to listen carefully to see what shepherd, wise man or Baby Jesus would appear next. We would light one of the four Advent candles on week one, light two on week two, etc. At the end of each week we would stand together and hold hands while we prayed. This is one of the few times I remember each year of praying as a family. Mom and Dad would pray with us but it was rare for all of us to do this together. Of course when you're a kid you really want to ask God to have Santa bring you everything on your list. Even then it seems like maybe this isn't what prayer is intended for. :) During the prayer one cat or another might try to join the scene and snuggle the figurines while our attention was diverted. These are traditions in our house.

After I moved to the Deep South my parents still worked to include me in this tradition, even using Skype one year so that I could be with my family during my first Christmas alone. It totally reminded me of that How I Met Your Mother episode where Marshall is skyped into Thanksgiving... Some years we've done the Nativity early or all at once depending on when everyone is home. DH and I are continuing this tradition in our own household.

We tend to put up the nativity all at once and we don't light Advent candles, but on Christmas Eve before we go to sleep he will read the passages of the Bible that tell the story of Jesus' birth. This year we're hosting an out of town Nativity member.

Hey, even Jamacian roosters need someplace to be at Christmas!

Thanksgiving in the Great White North

Oh, you mean Pittsburgh isn't the Great White North? Hmm...whelp. Anyway. DH and I traveled to see my family this Thanksgiving. We chose to fly out on the holiday in order to save money and try to bypass the airport madness that accompanies Thanksgiving travel. It sort of worked. The airports were a breeze to get through and our flights were on time. But surprisingly to us, both flights were full. Not a seat left over! I guess there's really no great time to fly anymore.

Pittsburgh was full of family and friends, as always. Thanksgiving was a smashing success at our house with hardly any leftovers to be found. Which was good because we always eat SOOOO much while we're home that I don't think there was time for leftovers.

I even got a workout in this trip at 9Round in Cranberry. Those girls are no joke! It felt really good to get sweating after eating so much the day before, even though I was a weak pansy. I'd missed a full week at kickboxing due to a sciatic flare-up before the holiday. It's so humbling to get in the gym after a few days off and realize how much harder it seems.

Saturday brought a trip to the Strip District for Primanti's and some shopping. We were able to meet up with some sweet friends for the first time in 2 years and enjoy sandwiches at the same time. It was a rainy misty day but there was no lack of shoppers despite the weather. I don't think we've ever gone up there on a holiday weekend. It was packed! We managed to get a few good beers and some pizelles before calling it quits. No trip home is complete without lady locks and pizelles, I'm just pointing this obviousness out.

We even managed to spend time with my dad's side of the family, including cousins and wee ones. It's been a while since DH and I have had the chance to see so many of our family at once. Even my local (to Texas) cousins were there. How weird is it that we both had to travel to PA in order to see each other?

When I was 15 I went on a mission trip to Peru. And our hosts there were amazing. I was so excited to introduce DH to one of our hosts while we were home. She is one of my favorite people in this world, even though we only see each other every couple years. Finally, Sunday brought a lifelong tradition of setting up the nativity, complete this year with Baby Jesus taking a tumble and surviving thanks to a well positioned area rug. My parents have had the same nativity set since we were infants. I have no earthly idea how it has survived three children and now two grandchildren without any pieces being broken or shattered. I think mom must pray a lot before handing those pieces over to us each year.

I hope y'all's Thanksgivings were wonderful and full of pie!

This Is Getting Real

I know it's been awhile since I posted about our struggle to have a baby. There have been some things that I've been keeping quiet about regarding our next steps. No, I'm not pregnant...at least not yet. It is a difficult decision to know how much to share on here. Some days I like being transparent as Saran Wrap. And other days I want to hide under a hoodie under a blanket under a comforter, as in opaque. DH and I have talked a lot about this dilemma. We want to be open about how hard it is to make a freaking baby! But we also want to allow ourselves privacy for both the good and the bad parts.

There is a lot of grieving that happens through this process. But today's post is a happy one.

So here's the down and dirty of it all. We fall into the unexplained infertility category. IUI didn't work. IVF isn't a good option, both statistically and financially. I've got the equivalent of the dented can bargain bin going on when it comes to my eggs. (Sorry if that's TMI, but this is a post about infertility.) It's just a fact of life that as I get older the quality of what's coming off that production line is compromised compared to my younger self. Adoption is as financially draining as IVF and foster care is something we can't emotionally comprehend at this point.

Four months ago DH and I sat down with our doctor, the amazing Dr. K, and looked at our options. What we came down to was embryo donation. I've touched on this before here, but never shared what we decided to do following that appointment. Embryo donation is exactly what it sounds like. Some amazingly compassionate couple who have had successful IVF in the past can donate any frozen embryos that they still have.

The way our clinic works is that they only use donations from patients there. They are not part of the networks so they can be sure of every part of the process. Once we are offered and accept embryos there will be a few tests that I need to have done, uncomfortable ones I'm sure. Then some hormones to make sure that everything is nice and cozy in the oven. After all of that they will thaw and transfer the embryos to me.

We're excited to share that we are currently first on the list at our clinic! 

This means that when the next set of embryos are donated we will have a chance to learn about them and accept them. This has all moved really quickly in the past week and it's a mixture of terrifying and exhilarating. DH and I have decided to share when we accept embryos but we'll keep the rest of the timeline under wraps so we can decide when to share either the great news that we're going to have a little snuggle bug or the less than desired news that this part of our life has come to an end. Either way we know that we already have a family - he and I.

The Weekends

Yep, that's plural.

Last weekend brought torrential rain and cooler weather. It finally is feeling kind of fall-like around these here parts. And when it gets cooler all of my baking and cooking and nesting instincts come out in full force. The rest of the year they're at half force, FYI. So it was a weekend of pudding...

...and bread. Heavens do I love this bread recipe. Last weekend I added cheddar and rosemary. I've shared it before but here is the website again if you're interested in a nearly fail proof recipe.  http://www.simplysogood.com/2010/03/crusty-bread.html

And when I say nearly failproof I mean it. I was chatting with DH and I accidentally put in 2 1/2 times the amount of yeast. Then I looked in the bowl, swore and decided the heck with it. Either it would work or it wouldn't, but I wasn't throwing away 3 cups of flour that might turn into bread. It sure rose quicker than usual, but it turned out fine when I baked it today.

This weekend brought Halloween, of course. That meant pumpkin and bat cookies. Crossfit costumes (we didn't get any pictures), passing out candy and champagne on the patio.

Preparations for DH's next birthday party are underway and our house is a land of Amazon boxes, otherwise known as cat traps. More pictures in a few weeks.

As we're all facing another Monday and this one with earlier sunset thanks to daylight savings time, I leave you with this:

I'm the captain meow. (Totally found this on Reddit and then grabbed the pic from Imgur.)

Happy Sunday!

Because it's Monday...

...and I'm two deep in Glenlivet.

MUSIC MONDAY

Defying Gravity

I will admit I am a fan of Idina Menzel as Elphaba but this rendition is beautiful. I don't really like Buzzfeed in general, but this is worth watching.

And if you're interested in another kick ass singer, check out Brandi Carlile at Newport Folk Festival via NPR. This woman, y'all, she sings what is in my heart. Just look at that photo from the festival. The entire hour plus is rock your socks off amazing but what I love the most is that they really sing. This version of The Story? It is the love song that I wish I could have ever written for DH. She states about halfway through that you know you're a band when the electric goes out and you're still a band. These three? Definitely a band. She and the twins fill this hour with a magic that I would have cut off my right arm to see in person.

Let's put it this way...if this baby stuff never works out I'm flying around the US following Brandi Carlile on tour. Yep, I'll be a roadie. DH can join if he'd like.

Who are you listening to tonight? What artist is capable of putting out there the essence of who you are?

I Have An Idea

So I've been thinking about what to do with this here blog. I don't want to have a blog that is centered on one thing like baking or books or just my ramblings. It wouldn't work for me. So I'm going to go back to writing about what I know. Some days that will be books. Oh I love books! Some days that will be trying to have a baby and all the crazy emotional crap that accompanies that. Some days that will be about baking. What I've tried, what I want to try, why I love it so much. Some days it will simply be about my day or my cats or my DH of a husband (Dark Horse, FYI).

Tonight I declare ramblings!

Have you guys seen the new Lego commercial? It's a hit as far as advertising goes. I was invested from second one and I didn't even notice the Lego's everywhere until the end shot. I'd love it just as much if it was a little boy instead of a little girl because it's about the feeling of creating something. Who cares whether you're male or female? Everyone has imagination.

Last weekend DH and I went out on a day date to one of our favorite watering holes. Then we walked down to a cigar bar. This picture makes me feel like a bad ass with a stogie and a scotch. What it doesn't tell you is that it's really hard to get the taste of cigar out of your mouth.

For the first time ever I made banana pudding from scratch. I didn't know that this stuff existed until 6 years ago since it's not a thing in the North. A fabulous friend bought me a Southern Living entertaining cookbook a few years ago for my birthday and I fell in love with the recipes immediately. But I have never used it until yesterday to actually make a recipe. Maybe I didn't feel southern enough. You know, I'm a Yankee. Don't tell anyone. We were having over my parents-in-law and when DH was asked either cobbler or banana pudding he chose the puddin'. What I loved about this recipe is that it used homemade vanilla pudding. One of my most cherished memories as a kid was helping mom make pudding. We usually had homemade and it was torture waiting for it to cook and then cool enough to not burn the crap out of our mouths. Once we were old enough we had the job of stirring the pudding while it cooked. It seemed to take an eternity to go from milk and sugar and cornstarch to blissful vanilla silky goodness. FYI, as an adult it still takes an eternity of around 15 minutes to go from "hmmm..." to "aw yiss". What I didn't know was that I was potentially inviting controversy and strife into our household. Yes, you read that right. The recipe called for a meringue top instead of whipped cream. Apparently this is a controversy in the south. Luckily for me my Texas family does not hold strong opinions on this and we all enjoyed dessert.

Henry has become very lovey and vocal as he's gotten older. Today he meowed for treats. This has never happened in 3 years. He sat on my lap yesterday and snuggled in for a nap. He's talking to us more. I'm convinced he's dying, y'all. DH had to tell me to calm down when Henry started all this because it was so unlike him. I forget life before him and thus I forget that he's only 3. I think he's stretching his personality and seeing what he likes. Do cats do that?

I think he's pretty much the most handsome man ever. Well, the most handsome cat man ever.

Happy Sunday Evening!

Happy Tuesday Everyone!!!

Just because it's Tuesday.

(https://www.reddit.com/r/aww/comments/3nlbr2/war_is_hell/?ref=share&ref_source=link)

Oh, and for the record....protein powder in oatmeal before you cook it is a bad idea. Breakfast is not a winner this morning.

Apparently I've Been Gone

I realized today that most of the blogs that I was following have either been on hiatus, like mine, or no longer exist. So....where does a girl go to find some inspiration? I have loved using list posts in the past, and even better if they are one where you can post your blog and get some feedback, new readers and internet love! But I am up a creek at the moment. Thus, you see before you my own listing blog post. Surely there is a more convenient name than "listing blog post"? Oh wait, Google just informed me that they're called "listicles". Cool.

                                  Things I'd Like To Change 

1. Evie's insistence that she will absolutely positively starve to death before 9pm. This is conveyed by yowls, meows, groveling and generally being pathetic. She weighs 13 pounds, you guys. She's not starving. And there is almost always food still left in their bowls by feeding time.

2. My left arm strength. Kickboxing shows you where you're strong...and where you're weak. My left arm is a joke. If I ever get into a fight with one hand tied behind my back, it'd better be my left hand that's tied. I've been going to 9Round for about 2 months now and I have a mean right hammer fist. My core is stronger than it's ever been and I'm starting to see some ab definition. My legs, while not my favorite part of my body, have always been a powerhouse and have seen me many many miles. But that dang left arm. I'd be better off in a slap fight than a fist fight.

(http://www.popsugar.com/entertainment/photo-gallery/34596251/image/34597139/He-also-best-physical-comedy-like-slap-fight-Jess) P.S. if this works then I'll be shocked.

3. My annoyance at drivers who don't use turn signals, use them but merge regardless of whether there is room, or simply are more absorbed in their phones than in the 3 ton (I really don't have a clue how much cars weigh) piece of metal they're haphazardly steering down the street. Even though my annoyance might be warranted it doesn't make it worth the rise in my blood pressure.

4. I'm a little bit extroverted. Just a wee, wee, infinitesimal bit. I wish I could hold that back a bit in the morning at work. I don't think everyone else is as much a morning person or an extrovert. But every morning I take my coffee and want to chat. Awn, just go sit down! Sheesh. If I were them I'd probably throw coffee on me. Sorry girls!

5. I really truly wouldn't read as fast as I do. I miss a lot of details and when I go back and reread the book again I am amazed at what I missed. The plus of this is that I love to go back and read books again. I've read series four or five times and will read them again. But I think I might miss out on some of that initial wonder that comes with reading a book for the first time.

6. I love sleep. I mean, I wouldn't change the fact that I enjoy sleep. But it would be nice to be more of a night owl and an early bird. Can you be both? 

This is the inauspicious start of a blogging comeback. Can I say that if it's my blog? Just call me the Comeback Kid (that's not trademarked, is it?)

A PSA on Infertility Etiquette

I've been thinking about writing something like this post for a long time. It's a subject that is near and dear to us, obviously. And it's a subject that lends itself to people feeling uninformed, awkward and unsure of how to talk to their friends who are in the midst of it. (Don't worry, we stumble ourselves when trying to form words for this.)This is a mini PSA for those of you who might not know the ins and outs of fertility treatments.

1. There are a variety of fertility treatments and options...IUI, IVF, donor sperm, donor eggs, surrogacy, embryo adoption or donation, adoption. They all involve a scary amount of statistics and failure rates. It's overwhelming and daunting. What makes it bearable is people who ask what is involved. It's ok to ask questions. Most of us welcome them if we've shared about our infertility with you. Which brings us to #2...

2. If someone hasn't told you that their having trouble then don't bring it up. We're clearly very open about this situation that we're in. But not everyone is. So even if you've been told that a friend is trying for a baby and it's not working, don't offer your condolences. This is an insanely private thing for a lot of couples. Right or wrong there is a lot of shame and guilt associated with not being able to have a baby. To have that blown wide open by someone who you didn't tell personally is a breach of trust for a lot of people. There are exceptions of course. But tread lightly.

3. If you've asked someone about their plans for children/if they have any/if they want children and they give you a standard "Someday" or "We'd love to" answer don't ask further questions. Most of us will handle that standard "When are you having kids someday" question with a smile on our face or at least a pleasant answer. But when the questions continue it can be devastatingly difficult to not break down.

     I bring this up because of the viral video right now regarding how people shouldn't ask women about children. I don't think that others should censor what they say when the situation is unknown to them. As an example if I meet a patient for the first time and they ask me if I have children (which they do because the vast majority are grandparents themselves) I don't get offended. They don't know that we've been trying for 2.5 years. There's no way they could know and it's not something I'll share with my patients. So if that offends me then I'm probably gonna have a bad time interacting with society instead of seeing it for what it is - someone trying to connect.

4. I really really REALLY don't want to hear about your cousin's surprise baby after they stopped trying. The fact of it is that most couples conceive without any intervention in one year. There is a 10% chance of pregnancy every month at my age, according to our Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE). Those are some slim odds. So when you add in actual medical issues there's not a lot of room for pregnancy to happen on it's own. Relaxing won't work here, sticking pineapple cores unmentionable places won't help and neither will all the supplements in the world.

5. And on that note, we love our RE. We wish we never had to see him but since we do, we're thrilled that he's a straight shooter. He gives us stats for his clinic. Every doctor may have a different viewpoint and methods of treatment. Because our plan of care isn't the same as someone else's that you know doesn't mean diddly squat. Ours wouldn't work for them and theirs wouldn't work for us. It's just that simple.

6. Finally, again, if you have questions just ask us. We have a great support system and they are truly great because they don't offer platitudes to make themselves feel better or try to make us feel better. They allow us to be completely honest when we want to be and to curl around our feelings when we need that extra protection. They say that this sucks and we agree. There are so many different options for different circumstances. If our journey can help someone else know that there are options then that may be the silver lining to this whole thing.

I'd like to reiterate that we know this is an awkward subject. It can feel taboo to ask questions or wrong to not assure your friends that they will get pregnant. But while we desperately want that outcome we know that it may not happen for us. In the meantime we'll drink some scotch and hang on to hope. Do you want to wait with us?

Some days Feel Like This

I'm just going to leave this here. There is something so wonderfully heartbreaking about this piece. For me, it's a physical representation of the hurt that lingers when we're denied things that we want, and the struggle to overcome the grief that accompanies those denials.

Shower Thoughts

  You've probably heard of shower thoughts. You know, the brilliant insights into life, the what to make for dinner, the how I totally could have won that argument yesterday, the what to buy DH for his birthday thoughts that only occur when pen and paper are woefully inappropriate.
  I don't have shower thoughts. I have car thoughts. When I can't possibly write down what I'm thinking without causing some sort of horrific multi car pile-up. (In full disclosure, I actually wrote this post down long hand. Long. Hand.) I'm sort of the quintessential infant who sleeps in the car and wakes up screaming when the car stops. As soon as I park my well-crafted Pulitzer prize winning blog post, email or letter has disappeared. Not a scrap of eloquence is left behind for me to clasp pathetically against my chest as I race to my laptop.
  This, in part, is why I haven't blogged lately. It seems like life is so busy that I only have time for car thoughts. I have crafted dozens of posts only to find them turned into ephemera before I can get the words from brain to fingertips to a series of electrical 1s and 0s.
  My favorite part of car thoughts? Each post is easily wrapped up in a neat package-like ending. Conclusions are drawn, connections made and insights revealed. In reality I sit staring at the screen trying to see the common thread that will provide my tether to the final coherent thought. Days like today I just cannot find the thread. So I will end like this.
  I hope to be back here sooner rather than later. Coherent or otherwise.

It's a Win?

One of the things that I now get is the lack of control you feel when trying to start a family. For some people I'm sure that there are positive changes that can improve their chances of conceiving or carrying a baby. In our case that's not the issue, therefore cue my lack of control panic button.

The only thing that I can control was what I was putting into my body from a food perspective and how active I was being. I looked at a bunch of different challenges and weighed my options - ha! no pun intended - and landed on the Advocare 24 Day Challenge. Now, I have used Advocare in the past and I like their products. Do I think I need their products in order to lose or maintain weight loss? Nope. But I liked the structure of the challenge, the fact that the food is laid out regarding what types to eat, and there's no hand slapping if you screw it up.

I'm on Day 18 and I feel good. My clothes are fitting better, I have more energy and I'm sleeping better. Yay for cutting out processed foods and eating clean. I haven't felt once like I didn't have options for meals or snacks and while it's increased our grocery bill a little it's not been drastic. I haven't gone full organic because I do have student loans to pay off.

Now if you know me you know that I have never met a donut I didn't like. Donuts are my kryptonite. I have passed up donuts twice in the last 5 days. I smelled them but I didn't eat one. Progress! Today I was feeling good about this challenge. I ran into the grocery store for windshield wiper fluid - who carries summer formula in the winter?!?! - and saw them.

The elusive Dove coconut creme eggs.

They only come out once a year and I am capable of eating an entire bag within a day or two. I grabbed a bag and was so excited about having one after my work out! I hadn't eaten any preservatives, additives, processed nothing in over 2 weeks and I knew how I was breaking that streak today.

Imagine my despair and disappointment when I took that first small bite - you know, to make it last - and it tasted like crap. Cloying artificial sweet crap. Y'all, I didn't even take a second bite but tossed the whole thing in the trash. My raspberries and almond coconut nut butter were way better (Maranatha makes that amazing deliciousness, by the way, and Kroger carries it if you have those around you).

This was a win, I know it was. But it sure felt a little like a loss when I threw away that little dollop of coconutty creme.

Oh yeah, does anyone want a slightly used bag of coconut creme eggs? In exchange I'd accept good paleo recipes for coconut treats.

Possibly the Worst Advice

I've debated for the last few weeks about writing this post. But I finally decided to bite the bullet and get this out. Consider it a PSA for those of you who know someone who is going through fertility treatments or infertility issues. I'm not speaking for everyone who has fertility concerns or issues, but in discussions with friends who have been down this road, this is a common feeling.

One of the worst things you might say to any woman who is trying to get pregnant is the word relax. I get why people say it. It makes you feel like you're helping, it's advice that everyone can relate to and there's nothing you can do to make the situation better. I've probably said it myself to friends and not even realized. But, if I'm being honest, I can only assume it makes you feel better. Because it does not make me feel better. What does the word "relax" or "Just try to relax" make me feel? A couple things:

1. That this is my fault. If I would just relax, my reproductive system would suddenly begin to work. If I would just relax I would be able to get pregnant. It's like having lemon juice squeezed over a paper cut - the cause hurts bad enough on it's own.

2. If all it took was being relaxed then we should have gotten pregnant when we started this journey almost 2 years ago. And it is a journey. You go places when you are navigating doctors and specialists and treatments that are completely foreign and uncomfortable, both physically and emotionally.

3. Why are there fertility specialists if relaxing is the thing to do? There'd be nothing for them to do beyond writing scrips for Ativan or something. Or all us ladies trying to have a baby would be camped out in Colorado smoking a whole lot of pot.

I do think that stressing over the lack of pregnancy, the worry that IUI won't work, the desperation of wanting a baby can be detrimental. There are too many stories about women, whom I'm sure we all know, that get pregnant when they stop treatments, when they adopt, when they make peace with not having a child, to discount the role that stress may play at times and in different situations. But I do not believe that stress is keeping me from getting pregnant. There are medical reasons that we're having trouble. Relaxing isn't gonna cause any of those reasons to improve.

The thing is there are no easy words of advice that bring comfort. The words that mean the most are words that tell me that even if my friends haven't gone through this, they still know it sucks. They realize that saying "I'm sorry that you have to go through this" means more than anything. Because the thing is, I know that no one can solve this problem with words. I don't need people to tell me it'll be ok and that it'll happen when it's meant to happen - because, peeps, it may not happen. Saying that it'll happen in God's time - nowhere in the Bible does it promise me that I will get to have a biological child. It just doesn't which means that in His time may mean it's not happening. And sometimes all I want is the acknowledgment that people get that this stinks. It doesn't mean that we have to belabor the point - you know it sucks, I know it sucks, we all wish it were different but it's not.

I don't mean to come off as being harsh or unfeeling toward my friends wanting to help, to sooth, to express their hopes for us. I love that our family and friends want to help us, to give us something to cling to. Working through infertility is like getting married in a way. Everyone will have an opinion on what you should do. And a lot of the time you have to let the advice and thoughts shed off you like water. You know they're giving advice because they care about you and they want to contribute in a way that could make things easier. So if you are reading this and you are one of my friends who has recommended I try to relax, please know that I'm not silently fuming or crying into my milk that no one understands. I know you meant well. But if this post makes anyone who reads it stop and think before offering the words "Just try to relax" to someone you know (besides me) that is trying to have a baby then I'm glad I wrote it. That person may need some words of hope, some words of love or just some recognition of the fartiness that infertility is.

I seriously love you, friends, even if you've told me to just relax.

IUI Round One; Bruised But Not Broken

Oh friends, this road is hard. We've been kind of mum on the whole process until now because we didn't know what it would be like. And even though we want to be open and transparent about our struggle, we don't know when or how we want to tell people that we're (fingers crossed, prayers said and jump over a well backwards - ok, I just made that last one up) pregnant. So we have been a little more hesitant to share lately.

We attempted this whole IUI thing in December but my body rebelled, my meds weren't quite right and we couldn't do the actual procedure. January rolls around and we were ready steady go. After a few bobbles, a lot of tears and wondering if this would all work this time around we were able to complete a cycle.

Then came the waiting....waiting...waiting. Was that a twinge? Was that a cramp? Am I more tired than I usually am? Ew what's that smell? Is this all in my head? Truth: I was way more tired than normal and a little queasy. But the beginning of this week came, along with a blood draw and a few hours of bated breath waiting. And sadly that afternoon brought the heart bruising news that we were not yet destined to be parents. Likely the increased meds are the cause of all of my "symptoms" along with a small bit of (I'll admit it) overactive desire to have those symptoms.

I have a group of girls whom I love fiercely. (They are not my only group that I love fiercely, FYI. I am blessed to have so many of these women and men in my life.) We meet and we talk and we pray and we cry and we laugh, oh how we laugh. And we study. Our current book was so timely for this week. The first chapter of this (The Storm Inside by Sheila Walsh if you're interested) is about heartbreak. She talks about how the very essence of being heartbroken is to have unimaginable loss. She talks about the difference between burdens and loads and how we need others to help carry our burdens but loads can be borne alone. Most importantly she says "God has promised you that whatever you face, you are not alone. He knows your pain. He loves you. And He will bring you through the fire." on page 13 (not trying to plagerize, y'all!).

I am amazed daily these days how I am exactly where I need to be and surrounded by those who will help bear our burdens. That doesn't mean that I get to share my rucksack of issues...you know, my load. There are things that I need to keep to myself. Things to discuss with God. Things to try and change. (Like my temper when I'm in traffic. Really, who's going to help bear that one? I can't stand it and it's mine.) Things that I seek counsel on from my a friend who is iron sharpening iron, but who doesn't try to share my load. In the end only I can do something about those things.

This faith doesn't mean that I don't hurt, that I don't rage at times over how unfair this is. That I don't get angry, and that some days I need others to cover me in prayer because I can't bring myself to talk to my beautiful, loving, merciful Father. That I don't despair at times when looking at our finances and thinking of how different things would be if we weren't seeing specialists (don't worry, y'all, we're good). That I don't cry tears of grief over a child we have yet to know because that desire to know them is so strong.

But He will bring me through the fire. Through the fire. He doesn't promise I won't be changed or even singed, but that I will survive. I know that not everyone who reads my posts believes the same things I do. But this is where I find my comfort, along with DH, family and friends who have wrapped us up in gentle arms this week as we're feeling our bruises, moving carefully around the sore spots and wondering how long the healing may take. Despite our bruised hearts, we're not heartbroken. This is not an unimaginable loss for us. We knew that this round might not work, and that actually no round might work. There are no guarantees when it comes to this fertility rollercoaster. My only guarantee is that while I am bruised and battered, this experience will not cover the rest of my life. I have not lost a parent, a child, my brothers and sisters, my husband. I have not lost my faith. Those are the unimaginable losses for me. Those are the causes of heartbreak and I am thankful that I can say I have not been heartbroken in this lifetime of mine.

Silver Spoon Adventure: Week 2 - Beef Stroganoff

Well readers, this one isn't nearly as funny. Or as colorful, come to think of it. I love my version of beef stroganoff which is probably as American as it comes. My version is elbow macaroni, a handful of mushrooms, a pound of ground beef and a can of cream of mushroom soup. That's it. If I'm feeling frisky I add in some paprika. Finito (you're all jealous of that Italiano, I know you are!).

The Silver Spoon beef stroganoff, or Bue Alla Stroganoff, is straight from scratch. There's heavy cream and strong mustard and a half cup of butter. First off, what the heck is strong mustard? Even Google failed me. I couldn't find anything on "strong" mustard except that Dijon can be strong and extra strong. Kroger had neither. In fact they had no strong mustard anywhere. So we went with Dijon because at least it was supposed to have strong brethren. I almost had to sneak the butter in because DH was watching and he's a butter Nazi. Maybe a butter Fascist working for Il Duce?

You must have a Revolver Boch when making homemade stroganoff.

The outcome was good but very beige. It was heavy and a little too tart for me. I'm guessing it was the cream and lemon juice mixture...almost like sour cream, but not quite. It didn't specify what kind of noodles to use, so we improvised with whatever we had on hand.

As you can see below...it's all one color. All. One. Color.

The Verdict: When we make it the next time we might try a lighter cream or 2% milk, and I'll probably cut the sugar completely or at least by 1/2. Oh and I'll make something a color other than beige or slightly orange.

We froze the extra and ended up having it with linguine later on in the month. I liked it much better the second time. Maybe it was the noodles?

Up Next: Roman Spring Lamb

The Silver Spoon Adventure: Week 1 - Pork en Croute

Week 1 - Pork en Croute

DH and I picked this recipe strictly from the picture in the book. It looks delectable! It's a pork loin with what looks like a mushroom tapenade all wrapped up in puff pastry. Um, that's pretty much exactly what it is. So we venture out to Kroger to get our weekly groceries and the ingredients to amke this dish. We pick everything up, the mushrooms, lemon, onion, pork loin and phyllo dough. What's that you say? Phyllo dough isn't the same as puff pastry? Yeah, I learned that lesson the hard way.

  We decided to make these recipes on Sundays since we have more time to make dinner. Our normal weeknight dinner is usually planned out but sometimes I may or may not eat half a block of cheese and a glass of wine while I'm cooking. And then there are the nights that we say "Screw it!" and just order pizza.

  I get the mushroom and onion mix going, I'm feeling pretty dang good about this recipe. I even read through it multiple times to make sure I didn't mess it up. I mean, this is The Silver Spoon and I'm Italian. If I screw this up I'm pretty sure the Polizia di Stato come and take away my Italian card. So there I am, stirring away, getting everything ready to go. And I ask DH to come trim the fat off of the pork loin.

Now, the concept of this dish is that you have a pork loin. And you slice it like a hotdog bun and open it up. The mushroom mixture goes on one side of the "bun" and the other side is folded on top. You slice the filled loin in half and wrap the whole thing in puff pastry. The end result when you slice it is a stuffed pork loin. Everyone good with that rambling description? Good.

Well my lovely DH comes to the kitchen, takes the pork loins out....wait, what? Pork loins? Our two pound package of pork loin was 2 one pound loins. Hmmmm....so we improvised and beat the crap out of the loins to flatten them enough to stuff with the mixture. We ended up with 2 very long more narrow than really acceptable loins that dropped mushroom stuffing everywhere. Enter into this tragedy the imposter puff pastry: The Phyllo Dough. In my defense the box said "Phyllo puff pastry". Kroger didn't have puff pastry by Pepperidge Farms.

I have taken the time, followed the instructions etc. to make sure the phyllo dough is thawed and is ready to be "rolled twice the width of the loin". I had a flutter of misgiving when I opened the package and a sheaf of paper rolled out. Those misgivings increased quickly when I attempted to roll the very dry phyllo sheets wider than God intended. I was ready to give up, toss the overstuffed pork under the broiler and call it a day. But my engineering DH separated the bundle of dough into for stacks that overlapped in the center to create enough dough to wrap the pork in. So we wrap it up, pop them in the oven and wait.

They come out looking...ok. Not quite the picture in the book. But it looks like this might be a winner-ish.

The picture from the book...seriously check this out at your local book store or Amazon!

We let it rest, we sniffed it, we were standing ready with mouths watering. Finally the 10 minutes pass and we can cut into these bad boys.

Can you see the layers upon layers of uncooked phyllo dough? It's there. You don't have to squint...it's freaking layer upon layer people!

The Verdict: As now noted for my future generations to come within the book, make sure you buy ONE pork loin, not two babies parading as a larger one. And more importantly, phyllo dough may be wonderful for baklava, but it is not in fact a replacement for puff pastry. Ever. The dish was tasty, and when you scraped off the uncooked dough, the crispy bits were good. We did finish eating the whole thing though!

Up Next: Beef Stroganoff

The Silver Spoon Adventure

DH was lovely enough to surprise me with The Silver Spoon for Christmas! I've drooled over this cookbook for years but never put down the cold hard cash for it. This book is a tome.

It is over 1500 pages. So we have decided to make one dish every week for the next year to try and use it at least an infinitesimal fraction.

So far we've made Pork en Croute, Beef Stronganoff and Roman Spring Lamb. I've got pictures and pointers ready to post. Now to start writing the posts to go with them! The lamb is the hands down winner right now.

Enjoy your week, y'all!