There's something I've been thinking about lately and really wanting to expound upon...'cause I don't talk enough as it is. Surely there is a need for further pontification on my views, my thoughts, my sometimes brilliant and sometime poorly constructed theories on life. So I will sit here, sifting through the bag of mixed jellybeans bought on this past week's airport extravaganza - why oh why are there so many banana and popcorn flavored jellybeans - and attempt to explain my thoughts on where I have come from and where I hope I am headed regarding that other-worldly and wholly unexplainable being called "Male".
I have recently reached a point in my dating life where just not anyone will do. I guess just anyone never really did, anyway. Perhaps I should start at the beginning...or as close as I can get anyway. When I was five, I decided I was going to marry a sweet little boy in my kindergarten class. This is according to my mother, anyway. I have a vague memory of this first foray into the world of hearts and rainbows. After this point on, there was little in the way of actual relationships with the male sex and more in the way of horrendous crushes that, in retrospect, I'm sure were ill-disguised. Let me dissuade any and all reading this that I was not one of those teenage girls who was "quietly beautiful" or "unaware of her attractiveness". Heck, I was searching for anything that I could find to like about myself much less think others would like. A truly attractive trait, no? What teenage boy wouldn't be dying to date a girl who was so wholly insecure in her own skin that she hardly made eye contact? Car Lover was my first serious relationship, and while we made that easy mistake of dating long after we should have, I am lucky to continue to call he and his family dear friends. CL was an important part of me starting to appreciate who I was and who I could be, "starting" being the key word there.
Following the dissolving of that first love, I dabbled in the dating stratosphere maybe once a year. It wasn't until I was 25 that I felt comfortable in who I was, where I was going and who I might meet there. I have no reason for why that was the magic age for me. It was as though everything clicked into place in the master puzzle that was my life. It also brought the first of the Unwritten Rules of Dating (which are about to be Written).
1. Don't invest more than the other person, if possible. Otherwise known as, Please tell me if you're thinking this is just a casual fling (that goes on and on).
That year brought the First Military Man (FMM). Now, let me start by stating that I learned an
inordinate amount about myself that year and a half. I learned that the boundaries of my patience could be stretched to limits I didn't know...kind of like Bella's gift, for you Twilighters. It would extend and then snap back when I felt like tearing my hair out in frustration. I learned that it doesn't matter how loudly I listen to my iPod (bad audiologist, I know), my mind will continue to chase itself like a dog and it's tail. I also learned I never want to date anyone again to whom I can't say what's on my mind. If you don't like my viewpoint on something, I'd rather you walk away than bite my tongue. So maybe that's simplifying it a bit....but I want to be able to speak about what's on my heart and not worry that it'll be too much. Let's just say that while I may do my part on this, the Mister half doesn't always. History has a way of repeating itself. (See also, Single Dad). I'd also rather you walk away than string me along for over a year. I'm still unsure of how that happened, even in retrospect.
2. Watch for Yellow Flags (If you're seeing red flags, it's game over).
Enter the end of my military dating career, Second Military Man, hence the "DO NOT Date Men in Uniform Again" sub-rule. Again, I thought I had found a winner. Yeah, maybe not so much. But the good news was I spoke my mind, I put myself out there in a vulnerable position...and got thoroughly burned. We're talking charred beyond all recognition. But at least I took the risk, right? SMM was, at the time, so alluring that I believed all that he said, in a voice that was a tad too practiced, to second guess or take a harder look at the yellow flags being thrown reminiscent of a good Egg Bowl. What was the good that came out of this, you ask? That I became more picky about who and what I would accept. That I burned that bridge at the very end without looking back for many months. I was deciding who I would allow to influence my heart. Did SMM intend to hurt me? Like many relationships, no. It just happens when we juggle peoples hearts with little thought to what happens when we slip and drop everything in the air. Unfortunately for me, SMM had a touch of ADHD, hence my heart was battered by the end.
3. Know what you will accept and not accept (Um, I may has stolen this from Tommy Nelson)
After my move from Yankeeland, I met and fell head over cowboy boots for Single Dad. Unfortunately, SD, in the end was too skittish and I was way to in love with his kids. This led to a reiteration of Rule #1 and subsection to Rule #1: No more children (both literally and figuratively). It was after this relationship ended that I was able to have a clear view of what I had been doing. And while I would date one more time before this post, it was the beginning of a revolution in thought. That maybe I didn't know what was best for me, and that it was better, dare I say, the best, to not be in a relationship for the sake of being in a relationship. To not adjust myself into someone else's idea of who I should be and where I fit in their already formed life. To let God show me what I should be striving toward and to allow Him to sooth my weary, weary heart.
4. Remember always that better exists if you can sift through the dross.
Meet Potential Mate and then PM gets a job in another part of the country. Ok, so this isn't a rule so much as a condition for dating me. The good thing about meeting someone so right for me and then having them leave? That I remembered that this whole dating thing can be fun and laughing can ensue, and that I don't have to settle for less than what I deserve or expect when those expectations are rooted in reality and in Scripture.
Are you done rambling yet, you ask? Almost. Here's the meat of the matter. Are you sure you want to open that sack of cats, as one Mary Shannon might ask? Yes, I am. The bones of this whole reconstruction in thought regarding dating comes from my faith in God. That I had been completely off base in trying to fit someone into my life, that there is a person out there who would fulfill me and make me complete, who would assuage my fears regarding my finances and security in this world. The only one who can do this is my savior, Jesus. And when I've got myself right with Him, then He can do all the things that are promised to me because of His love. Does His plan include one Mr. Right? I hope so, but maybe not. And so I'm not looking for the perfect person by the worlds standards. I'm not looking for anyone really. I am okay, for the first time ever, just being. Knowing that when the timing is right, God will give me all that He has promised.
This is why when the lovely ladies in my office want me to be in a relationship and be happy, I try and say why I'm not worked up over being single. It usually comes out all wrong. If ya'll are reading this, I truly love you and know that your concern stems from wanting me to be happy and settled. But I honestly don't care if he's tall and handsome, short and funny, or the guy next door if his views on God and faith are so far from my own. And that doesn't make me an idiot, I promise. And my instincts are usually pretty well honed as far as how much of a connection I have with someone. If he's nice to look at but there's nothing else between us, then it's a one date deal. Again, I say this with love for all those in my life who want to see me settled and with babies - wish for me to be closer to my Father and then we can talk about how I can find that elusive married status.
I'm not gonna lie, if Mr. Right is headed my way, I'm kinda hoping he comes with a gun. Ok, so maybe the South has influenced me a little bit.
