Possibly the Worst Advice

I've debated for the last few weeks about writing this post. But I finally decided to bite the bullet and get this out. Consider it a PSA for those of you who know someone who is going through fertility treatments or infertility issues. I'm not speaking for everyone who has fertility concerns or issues, but in discussions with friends who have been down this road, this is a common feeling.

One of the worst things you might say to any woman who is trying to get pregnant is the word relax. I get why people say it. It makes you feel like you're helping, it's advice that everyone can relate to and there's nothing you can do to make the situation better. I've probably said it myself to friends and not even realized. But, if I'm being honest, I can only assume it makes you feel better. Because it does not make me feel better. What does the word "relax" or "Just try to relax" make me feel? A couple things:

1. That this is my fault. If I would just relax, my reproductive system would suddenly begin to work. If I would just relax I would be able to get pregnant. It's like having lemon juice squeezed over a paper cut - the cause hurts bad enough on it's own.

2. If all it took was being relaxed then we should have gotten pregnant when we started this journey almost 2 years ago. And it is a journey. You go places when you are navigating doctors and specialists and treatments that are completely foreign and uncomfortable, both physically and emotionally.

3. Why are there fertility specialists if relaxing is the thing to do? There'd be nothing for them to do beyond writing scrips for Ativan or something. Or all us ladies trying to have a baby would be camped out in Colorado smoking a whole lot of pot.

I do think that stressing over the lack of pregnancy, the worry that IUI won't work, the desperation of wanting a baby can be detrimental. There are too many stories about women, whom I'm sure we all know, that get pregnant when they stop treatments, when they adopt, when they make peace with not having a child, to discount the role that stress may play at times and in different situations. But I do not believe that stress is keeping me from getting pregnant. There are medical reasons that we're having trouble. Relaxing isn't gonna cause any of those reasons to improve.

The thing is there are no easy words of advice that bring comfort. The words that mean the most are words that tell me that even if my friends haven't gone through this, they still know it sucks. They realize that saying "I'm sorry that you have to go through this" means more than anything. Because the thing is, I know that no one can solve this problem with words. I don't need people to tell me it'll be ok and that it'll happen when it's meant to happen - because, peeps, it may not happen. Saying that it'll happen in God's time - nowhere in the Bible does it promise me that I will get to have a biological child. It just doesn't which means that in His time may mean it's not happening. And sometimes all I want is the acknowledgment that people get that this stinks. It doesn't mean that we have to belabor the point - you know it sucks, I know it sucks, we all wish it were different but it's not.

I don't mean to come off as being harsh or unfeeling toward my friends wanting to help, to sooth, to express their hopes for us. I love that our family and friends want to help us, to give us something to cling to. Working through infertility is like getting married in a way. Everyone will have an opinion on what you should do. And a lot of the time you have to let the advice and thoughts shed off you like water. You know they're giving advice because they care about you and they want to contribute in a way that could make things easier. So if you are reading this and you are one of my friends who has recommended I try to relax, please know that I'm not silently fuming or crying into my milk that no one understands. I know you meant well. But if this post makes anyone who reads it stop and think before offering the words "Just try to relax" to someone you know (besides me) that is trying to have a baby then I'm glad I wrote it. That person may need some words of hope, some words of love or just some recognition of the fartiness that infertility is.

I seriously love you, friends, even if you've told me to just relax.