Hope

This song has spoken to me this week. It always brings me to tears, but this week it's been mainly tears of peace. Are those a thing? They are now. I hope it brings you hope as well!

**Edit - I had the video here for Worn by Tenth Avenue North, but it played automatically and thought perhaps not everyone wanted to hear it when reading my blog. So you should check it out if you'd like to hear it!**


And the lyrics of this one make me feel far braver than my own heart could ever be.

"VERSE 2:

I have heard You calling my name
I have heard the song of love that You sing
So I will let You draw me out beyond the shore
Into Your grace
Your grace

BRIDGE:
You make me brave
You make me brave
You call me out beyond the shore into the waves
You make me brave
You make me brave
No fear can hinder now the love that made a way

You make me brave
You make me brave
You call me out beyond the shore into the waves
You make me brave
You make me brave
No fear can hinder now the promises you made
You make me brave
You make me brave
No fear can hinder now the love that made a way"

Brave, by Bethel Music

I hope that if you're reading this you can find hope and bravery.

A New Day

First of all, thank you for all the sweet words, texts and messages following my last post. I'm trying to be transparent about what DH and I are going through. That's hard to do! It may not be the road anyone else has traveled, or maybe you're going through the same thing. But it feels very lonely even knowing other friends have had or are having the same issues while trying to have a family.

My Person and I were talking about this yesterday. One of the hardest things about being in this process is that you know people want to love on you, to make you feel better, to give you hope. But the hard truth of it is that I'm not promised to have a baby of my own. I'm just not. That doesn't mean we won't have a family if I can't, for whatever reason, have a baby. But I am being very careful to try and find hope in truth.

Today is a new day, as is tomorrow and the days after that. Today I'm choosing to see the joy in spending more time with just my DH. To make memories that would be impossible once life does change for us in time. To appreciate the time I have to curl up on the couch with a good book and a sweet Evie-Cake. To sip a glass of wine (well until our specialist tells me to lay off the juice) in front of the fire. To play chase with Henry through the house without worrying about tripping over any little ones, just my own two feet.

Today is a new day. Today I choose to see the joy before me.

Isaiah 49:16 "See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands; your walls are ever before me."

The Ugly Side of Trying to Have a Family

I am angry. I'm angry at so many things. I'm angry at our society that tells me I can be whatever I want to be and I can do it all. Society tells me that I can be a mother. So why am I not a mother? It's not enough to want something. Sometimes there are obstacles that are not able to be overcame. It feels like it today. I'm angry at Clomid. I'm angry at my body. I'm lashing out at everyone around me in my head. I want to throw things and break things. I want to scream until I no longer can speak. I want to curl up in a ball and never come back into everyday life. I want to be ok with where I am now. But I'm not. I want  more than what I have. I want what it seems like absolutely every single absolute every other person in my life has.

This life I have should be enough. It should be enough to have a wonderful husband who loves me no matter how crazy I get. It should be enough to have two beautiful furbabies who think I hung the moon...or at least their food bowls. It should be enough that I have friends and family with little ones to love on. But it just isn't. It isn't enough.

This is when my mind starts to whirl in mad circles. Maybe I don't have enough faith. Maybe I'm being punished for something that I did, some slight, some wrong. Maybe because I want it so badly. Maybe I'm not good enough. And I know these are all lies but they feel true today. They feel insurmountable. Neverending. Abysmal. Satan is good at the abject and manipulating what he delights in.

An incredibly wise kid I knew said once that even when darkness seems to be all around, all it takes is the smallest light to make it flee. I know that light is waiting somewhere but today I'm covered in darkness.

In the darkness, I'm trying to remember that there is joy in every situation but I'm failing. I don't know why God has us where we are. I'm trying to seek the wisdom in this situation, what are we supposed to be learning, what is it that He has for us instead. But today I'm in the desert. I feel abandoned and nowhere near Sinai. But because I feel abandoned doesn't mean He's walked away from me. He's waiting for me to see Him again, to reach for what I know is near but can't seem to grasp in my disappointment and fear of what may not come to pass. The only way around where I am is to run straight through it into His arms. He's waiting for me.

Psalm 40:11 and 17
(11)"Do not withhold your mercy from me, O Lord; may your love and your truth always protect me. (17) Yet I am poor and needy; may the Lord think of me. You are my help and my deliverer; O my God, do not delay."