"Bend before you break"

When we were actively trying and doing IUIs and going through embryo donation I would listen to my favorite artist, Brandi Carlile, over and over. I pretty much listen to something she sings just about every day. 

Her last album has a song called Wilder (We're Chained). She and her partner have a daughter and she has endo herself; her partner carried their daughter. I've never read an article or interview where she talks about their daughter's conception but my guess is it was IVF or donated embryos. (So I found out today, 1/16/18 that in fact they used one of her eggs and a sperm donor. I felt that this was relevant and should be corrected.)

The way I interpret the song is talking to a child about not looking like either of the grandparents but that they're chained together regardless. It's a beautiful song. This song was my heart as we were going through embryo donation. It was the song I hoped to have playing during delivery. 

I've mentioned in the past that if our end game of having children didn't work out that I was going to become a Brandi roadie. Or at the very least see her in concert. They did a tour last year called Pindrop and it was an all acoustic tour in small venues built for that sound. I was so disappointed that we couldn't get tickets in Dallas. I mean we could have but we were saving for embryo donation at the time and the ticket prices were ridiculous through the different ticket organizations. 

She announced a new tour last week that is in celebration of the 10 year anniversary of her album "The Story". It's acoustic and small venues. It's exactly the tour I'd want to see her live for the first time. We scored tickets and I'm so excited! 

It feels like a closure of sorts. We started trying to have a baby almost 4 years ago. The concert is our anniversary weekend. When I'd have a negative or disappointing visit at the RE's office (which was always, through no fault of our amazing doctor's), when our hearts broke into one more shard, when the stress became overwhelming it was Brandi I would listen to at loud enough to shatter my eardrum volumes while I sobbed my way through the following hours. In honor of all the struggle and heartache, as a balm to my spirit, and a small blessing for one thing that we planned on panning out, there will be a day in the next months when I get to hear her sing it all in person.

Because I Said I Would

I promised I'd blog more. So here I am.

Sitting on the couch with a beer at hand, waiting for the words to come. The beer, by the way, is pretty stellar. Martinhouse Stars Above, a raspberry sour. Living in the land of craft breweries has opened up my world, y'all.

Ok, I'll dive right in. The whole "we're not having kids" thing? That still hurts horribly. It is physically painful at times and it can creep up on me even on a good day. Things that we used to hope would happen someday...that aren't happening now. An example would be giving Henry meds last week. E had to work late and Henry is on a liquid oral antibiotic. So I sat on the floor, pulled him into my lap, wrapped my legs around him and popped his mouth open. Easy peasy. And my first thought was "I would have been a good mom" which led to tears while feeding the animals.

Grief isn't a straight line. It's more like this:

(https://side-out.org/latest-blog/just-keep-swimming-grief-advice-from-finding-nemo/)

I don't know that we will ever come out on the other side completely. I believe, right now, that we will still have fleeting moments of grief as others hit milestones that we will never see. We never get to have a first day of school, a first smile, a first tumble from a bike, a first boyfriend/girlfriend, a first disciplinary failure (that was a guarantee). The list can go on and on.

Grief gets better over time. I logically know this. So on the bad days where there are more hits than not, I try to remember this.

And in the meantime we look for moments and days of happiness, or at least joy. Brief face snuggles from Evie, who has a new nickname - DJ Pickle. Enjoying spur of the moment days out. Netflix and chill with E. Going straight from work to the gym without needing to arrange for childcare. Staying up late and having no one to get up with early the next day.

None of it is what we would have chosen. But we don't always get what we would like.

The Third Time Around the Block

I know I haven't been around much. The last time was when we were all excited because we thought making it to embryo transfer (FET) would be easy. That was two attempts ago. When we were cancelled the first time we were upset and angry. When we were cancelled this week for our second FET attempt it was devastating.

There are blogs out there that talk about baby dust and OMG! I tried for one month and I'm pregnant and swimmers and all the other cutesy words that people use for trying to have a baby. Friends, this ain't that blog. So if you're squeemish about body parts and how babies are actually made and what's needed to even attempt to have a baby for 1 in 7 couples that you know, you should log off now. Stop reading. Run from the computer. Shield your eyes.

If you're still with me, here we go. I am one of the 1% that have trouble not only with getting pregnant, but with being able to get to FET. Both times my uterine lining has not been thick enough fast enough. The first time around it was the typical protocol. By the time my lining was actually thick enough my labs were out of whack.

So we went more aggressive the second time around. Injections all around, in fact. I've reached a point where I can do them myself if they're in the stomach. The ones in the butt are just not physically possible for me, and the needles are big enough that I wouldn't want to do them even if my elbows bent backwards. The "should be fail-proof" protocol wasn't so fail proof. My lining never got thick enough. So second attempt was cancelled.

What none of this tells you is that it is emotionally draining, spiritually challenging, financially constricting to be here. It is hard. It hurts. You see everyone around you adding to families, having first babies, seeming to fall pregnant without even wanting to be. Looking at babies hurts. Looking at pregnant ladies hurts. This whole process hurts. And here you are, shelling out thousands of dollars on meds alone to try to have a chance at no regrets. You don't even really believe that any of it will work but you know you need to do everything possible so that when you're 60 years old you don't look back and wonder. As a woman and a wife you start to second guess everything. It feels like you have failed your husband, you've failed at the one thing you are supposed to be able to do. When the process has bumps and roadblocks, it makes you feel even more like a failure. Even with science my body cannot do what it should. If there is anything more disheartening in this process, I haven't found it.

So where does this leave us? We have one last shot at this. Literally one last protocol.  I have trouble even typing those words. But we've tried to be transparent about this process, about the failures, the successes, the struggles. It's hard to be so vulnerable but chances are we're not the only people you know who are struggling to breath some days, who are jealous of those who this comes so easily to, who wonder what else has to be sacrificed to pay for meds, who have learned to not expect good news at any appointment but to prepare for the worst.

If you're lucky enough to have children, hug them a little tighter tonight. If you know someone who is desperately trying to have a baby, love on them a little more the next time you see them.  In the meantime I'll be drinking wine and eating sushi until I can't anymore. Maybe I'll go jump on a trampoline too.

A Quick Update

Well, chickens, you know that E and I are trying to be pretty open about our trials and tribulations related to infertility.

Our embryo transfer has been postponed a few months. My body didn't react the way our doc expected to the meds. It's a very time specific process and everything has to be exactly right for us to have the go ahead to proceed.



We appreciate all the prayers and thoughts, and this seemed to be the easiest way to update everyone.

We hope everyone else's week has gone better than ours!

He's All I Need

Today is E and I's third anniversary. When I think back to that day, I remember how horrible I felt when I woke up, how great I felt after some Excedrin, how nervous I felt about getting everything done on time and mostly how ready I was to be his wife.



I thank the Lord every day for my husband. He is all that I need on this earth. E never is dismissive or demeaning. He is not selfish or a hoarder of his time. He is not fearful of our future or of where our lives may take us. He is not mean or vindictive. He is not stingy with his love. He doesn't leave me behind.

He is supportive in the best ways. He doesn't tell me what I want to hear but what is true. He brings me back down when I'm mad and he doesn't walk away from disagreements. He tells me that we'll be ok when all of our infertility options are over, whether we have kids or not. He doesn't tell me it will all be fine. He goes out of his way daily to make sure I know he cherishes me. He is protective and committed. He always has my back no matter the circumstance. He edifies me daily. He loves me second only to God.

When I look back on all the men that I dated and how my life could have turned out at the age of 37...well some of those pictures are downright ugly and others are just different. I am thankful each moment that I am married to the man before me. I would not have chosen as well as the Lord did when He brought us together. I would have chosen a life that was filled with uncertainty or grief, a life that would have be harder than it had to be, because I'm not able to see into the future. Only hindsight has provided me with this knowledge. I don't know if that other life may have been great in ways or if the bad would be more than the good.

I do know that it wouldn't have been as good as this one. As e.e. cummings wrote:

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in

my heart)i am never without it(anywhere

i go you go,my dear;and whatever is done

by only me is your doing,my darling)

                                                      i fear

no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want

no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)

and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant

and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows

(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud

and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows

higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)

and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

I love you, my dear husband. 

Houston, We Are Go Flight

I don't even know if that title makes sense.

But the bigger story here is that E and I have accepted 2 embryos! We got the call last week and we are thrilled, scared, hesitant, a smidgen hopeful, and overwhelmed. This is the biggest thing that has ever happened to us.

We thought the waiting for embryos was the worst, and it was. But this is a whole new level of anticipation. We are choosing to try and become parents. CHOOSING. Are we nuts? A lot of people kind of fall into being parents. But we're saying "Yes, let's willfully pay to become responsible for someone else for the rest of our lives."

If I think about it for too long I start hyperventilating mentally. From here it looks like more waiting and at some point in the near future, finally, transferring the embryos. This is where what level of transparency to share is hard for E and I. As we navigate what we share and what we keep between us, please know that we appreciate all of the prayers, good vibes and support that you all have offered. As always we're open to questions and we'll share what we can!

Soon I will get to send E this meme, and we'll be on our way to knowing where life will take us next!

Dear Lord, I Think I've Learned Patience...Can We Get This Show On The Road?

Guys, I am so tired of waiting. Anyone else waiting on something? Maybe it's something huge like E and I. Maybe it's something little but exciting - Amazon order, am I right? Maybe you're in line waiting on cupcakes at a bakery. I fully support that, by the way. Send me one if you can. Strawberry is my favorite...unless there are macaroons.

Waiting is hard. It's frustrating and it's sucky. I know I'm supposed to be learning something during this time of waiting. If anyone has a clue about what that is, I'd appreciate a heads up. In reality I do know that I have learned a lot from this waiting. At the moment though they are lessons that I'm not too thrilled about. I even know that when I look back at this time in E and I's lives, it will most likely be clear about why this period of waiting happened. But when I'm in the middle of it there isn't that clarity. There isn't the ability to say "Oh, even if I never know why I had to wait at least I can see how much I learned while waiting." Nope, just plain want to tear my hair out waiting. And drink some pinot grigio.

The waiting we're doing right now is almost worse than the rest of this process. Yes, we were on the wait list for what felt like FOREVER. But because we were so far down on the list there wasn't this constant anticipatory feeling. Since finding out we are first on the list it's been like living on the edge of a razor. We actually did pass on a single embryo about a month ago. We will be transferring two embryos since this is the big finale to our procreating rodeo, After passing that embryo on, every time my phone rings my adrenaline shoots up, I breath faster. I basically am convinced that this is THE CALL.

Woe to the cold call representative who dials my phone number these days. Last week it was a home security company. I wanted to rip the poor man's head off. I didn't, I was sweet. But man alive I wanted to yell "Unless you're calling to offer me a BABY you should hang up immediately." Something tells me that this would not be smart, as I may get offers I don't want. Eww.

I just wanted to share where we are because I know that many of you are keeping tabs and we love that you are with us in spirit. The support we have received because of saying "Hey, guys? This having a baby thing is really hard for us. Like not happening on it's own haaaard." We're hoping that we will soon be able to share the news that our little Eskimos are being sent our way. Until then does anyone have another bottle of wine?

I Hate Picking a Post Title

There's a lot rolling around up in the brain today. Advice that may be useful this week:

1. Don't break your nose if you can help it. Seriously, friends. I think I may have knocked something loose in my skull. Now I will say that it's not as bad as when I broke my finger. I don't use my nose to write or move or balance myself. And it's not an open fracture, my swelling is going down and my bruising isn't too spectacular. With all that said, getting hit in the face by a medicine ball is no picnic, especially when it's self-inflicted. Suffice to say I do not have catlike reflexes. I have slow ass "Oh that's a heavy object shooting at my face" reflexes. We'll find out whether I need any other intervention once the swelling subsides completely.

2. Please don't honk at drivers and give them the finger when they have driven appropriately. There I was this morning staying in my lane when an older lady (way to give all women drivers a bad name, lady!) waited until I was about 50 feet away to pull out of the side street. She pulled into the other lane, so no harm no foul...until she swerved into my lane. I honked to let her know "Hey, I'm here!" She responded by honking back, swerving behind me while gesturing just to get back into the other lane and giving me the finger as she pulled up to the light. All while she had her left turn signal on. Sheesh, woman, who peed in your Wheaties this morning? You're old enough to know better!

3. Just because you want long gorgeous hair a la Joanna Gaines does not mean that you will acheive long gorgeous hair.


Went to the salon this weekend and had to loose some length. I may be destined to have shorter hair for the rest of my life.

4. Keeping up with who are celebrities at any given moment is a full time job. I already have one of those. Watched the Oscars last night. DH and I spent more time going "Who's that? What movie?" than should occur. Give me another year or two and my Oscar watching tradition will be at the wayside of life. Plunging necklines appeared to be a trend. I was a bit concerned that there would be a wardrobe disaster at any moment.


5. Waiting for a call from the RE sucks. Waiting can go kick rocks at this point. Fingers crossed that we get a call this week. We were offered an embryo a few weeks ago but we're holding out for a multiple transfer, so once again we're waiting. C'mon Popsicles, this wanna be momma needs some good news!

Happy Monday everyone!

Be Kind, Fellow Drivers

Mornings are hard. I get that. I don't like having to roll out of bed and become presentable. I don't like that I have to get in the car and maybe deal with traffic. All with very little coffee in my system. (I don't think there is ENOUGH coffee most mornings.) But good gravy people, if you have to be somewhere during rush hour leave a little earlier. Note that rush hour here begins around 6:30am...unless you're taking 35W. Then you should leave the night before. Please don't cut across three lanes landing in front of my car at a railroad crossing. Right now there is a person who arrived at work and probably complained about the Honda behind them who flashed her brights and honked Because I'm human and I believe that when someone endangers my well-being (and in this case the 3 cars behind me as well), they should be made aware even if they don't care. Honking here is the epitome of saying "Hey! I'm from somewhere other than Texas! I'm not sure why, but it's very rare to hear a Texan honk. Maybe they prefer to remedy the driving situation with fisticuffs or a duel? All joking aside, road rage is a real thing here and you never know who's got a conceal to carry. Anyway, this morning made me think of how easy it is to treat others as incidental when we're on the road. We drive without a care in the world - these are 3000 - 6000 pound hunks of metal. That can do a lot of damage.

And then, because my thought process is similar to what it looks like once a cat has attacked a ball of yarn, I started thinking about how driving skills are an analogy for how we treat each other. We expect to get what we want, when we want it and how we want it. It doesn't matter if someone else has been patiently waiting or working toward the same goal (construction traffic, anyone?). Why shouldn't we try to take the shortcut to get to the front of the line? On a more concrete note, turning on your turn signal does not entitle you to then merge. People do not have to allow you immediate access to their lane. A turn signal should be a polite way of saying "Excuse me, would you please slow down so I can merge into more than a 3 foot space between you and the car in front of you? No? Ok, I'll merge behind you instead where there are no cars." Another analogy...

I didn't intend this post to be all about driving and what monsters we all are to each other on the road.

So on a lighter note, DH came home last night and had an Amazon package waiting. He had ordered something for me for Valentine's Day. His face was priceless when he opened the package up. Slowly he placed 4 pieces of metallic glass and a bag of something called frit balls on the counter. Someone somewhere messed up. This led me to learn about frit balls this morning. Glass is kind of cool, y'all. These little glass beads almost look like something you'd build jewelry from if you were into that retro incense burning kind of jewelry. Amazon almost never messes up.

I imagine a big sign that says "0 wrong packages sent since 7/5/94" switching to "0 wrong packages sent since 2/11/16". Sorry, Amazon.

Mini Mind Dump

DH and I often ask the other one "What are you thinking about?" And usually the other person says "Nothing." I don't know about him, but I'm usually thinking about 9,267 unrelated items. So it's just easier to say "Nothing". When I consider blogging, I usually have a bunch of these unrelated items that I want to kind of dump on the page. But they rarely go together into one cohesive post. So tonight I pay respects to the tangled thought process that occupies my noggin.

Evie. Evie has developed a penchant for all items that are stringy or have strings or possibly could have strings if she drags them around the house enough. This means that she's fishing all manner of things out of the dirty laundry basket, off the makeshift drying racks and from the top of the dryer. Rarely does a day go by that I don't come home to find underwear, socks, tank tops, work out tops, bras or scrub pants somewhere in the house. Usually next to her food bowl. I'm not entirely sure whether she gets hungry from all the fetching and dragging or if she has given them all names and thinks our inanimate articles of clothing are hungry. It must be supremely confusing to her when they refuse to eat.

I bit the bullet and finally purchased some new foundation. I really hate the little expiration icons on make-up products. I don't use enough make-up to ever go through something completely before it "expires". And the time frame for some products is ridiculous. Mascara has a 3 month time limit. Um, not in my house. I have mascara, multiple mascaras actually, that are over a year old. And the majority of them are samples....I can't even go through samples in a year. There are not enough eyelashes in this house to use mascara in 3 months. Do people actually spend money on high end products and then throw them away when only a 1/4 has been used? Anyway, I digress...which is why I have so much junk in my mind. I went with Too Faced Born This Way foundation. The Porcelain shade is pretty much a perfect color match. But I have been so used to seeing a slightly too yellow shade in the Urban Decay Naked line that I feel washed out. See...the color wasn't even right in the Naked line but it was close and that crap is expensive so I was going to use it. Who cared if I looked a little jaundiced? Anyway, the Too Faced weathered a tough 9 rounds of 9Round tonight without smudging a bit. I'm not sure if I should be impressed or never expose my skin to it again. I'm just going to consider it a testament to the Wayne Goss method of foundation application. Thank heavens my primer is good for 36 months. It may be the only product I ever use completely.

I have a new author and blogger that I pretty much want to be. Except I'd rather she be her and I learn from her wisdom. By wisdom I mean actual wisdom and what it was to be cool in the 90's. I love when I randomly choose a book at the library/e-library and it speaks to me. Her name is Melanie Shankle and her blog is Big Mama. The first book I read was her newest one and it's about friendship. Y'all, yinz, you guys...it made me really think about my friendships that I've had and that I have. She has a way of writing that is both hysterical and thought-provoking. Anyway, I promptly bought all three books that she's written. I was laughing so hard while reading the one about marriage that DH asked if I was ok. It was gasping no sound tears down my cheeks with random bouts of sound laughter. The kind that sort of sounds like a farm animal dying, but is really laughter.

DH and I are officially at the top of the Popsicle Gang list....I know, we thought we were at the top also. I even wrote that blog post and everything. Well there was a snafu of sorts that's been sorted since and now we're at the tippity top (I couldn't keep the "s" theme going there)! This is simultaneously the most exciting news and the most petrifying news possible. This will all be over in the next few...four...six months. Ok, so we don't really have any idea when this will all happen. But it's closer to happening now than last week. And that means we'll either eventually be parents or we'll turn into Brandi Carlile roadies. Well, at least I will. I can't speak for DH.

I'd better end things while I can still move my arms. I lifted a total of around 1600 pounds over the course of my work out (in the form of a 12 lb med ball) - seriously, that 9Rounds is no joke. Which means I will be useless in about 10 minutes. At least I washed my hair tonight.