The Ugly Side of Trying to Have a Family

I am angry. I'm angry at so many things. I'm angry at our society that tells me I can be whatever I want to be and I can do it all. Society tells me that I can be a mother. So why am I not a mother? It's not enough to want something. Sometimes there are obstacles that are not able to be overcame. It feels like it today. I'm angry at Clomid. I'm angry at my body. I'm lashing out at everyone around me in my head. I want to throw things and break things. I want to scream until I no longer can speak. I want to curl up in a ball and never come back into everyday life. I want to be ok with where I am now. But I'm not. I want  more than what I have. I want what it seems like absolutely every single absolute every other person in my life has.

This life I have should be enough. It should be enough to have a wonderful husband who loves me no matter how crazy I get. It should be enough to have two beautiful furbabies who think I hung the moon...or at least their food bowls. It should be enough that I have friends and family with little ones to love on. But it just isn't. It isn't enough.

This is when my mind starts to whirl in mad circles. Maybe I don't have enough faith. Maybe I'm being punished for something that I did, some slight, some wrong. Maybe because I want it so badly. Maybe I'm not good enough. And I know these are all lies but they feel true today. They feel insurmountable. Neverending. Abysmal. Satan is good at the abject and manipulating what he delights in.

An incredibly wise kid I knew said once that even when darkness seems to be all around, all it takes is the smallest light to make it flee. I know that light is waiting somewhere but today I'm covered in darkness.

In the darkness, I'm trying to remember that there is joy in every situation but I'm failing. I don't know why God has us where we are. I'm trying to seek the wisdom in this situation, what are we supposed to be learning, what is it that He has for us instead. But today I'm in the desert. I feel abandoned and nowhere near Sinai. But because I feel abandoned doesn't mean He's walked away from me. He's waiting for me to see Him again, to reach for what I know is near but can't seem to grasp in my disappointment and fear of what may not come to pass. The only way around where I am is to run straight through it into His arms. He's waiting for me.

Psalm 40:11 and 17
(11)"Do not withhold your mercy from me, O Lord; may your love and your truth always protect me. (17) Yet I am poor and needy; may the Lord think of me. You are my help and my deliverer; O my God, do not delay."