Dear Ethan,
You, kid, were amazing. You knew that, right? Or did you? Did you realize that you were amazing? That you were more wise than adults? That you touched thousands upon thousands of lives? From the first time I met you, I knew you were special. No, it wasn't just your knowledge of Star Wars. It wasn't even your vast understanding of Legos, although I enjoyed the schooling you provided. It was your sweet nature, your compassion for everyone around you, your sense of humor and your enduring faith even when you were hurting. Your mom and I spent many moments in tears together in the time we spent together. Over the big and the little. Over what could have been and what was to come. The possibilities and the opportunities before you, both the potential awesome and the terrifying. I spent hours in prayer over these same possibilities, in tears as I talked to God about you. I was in awe of you, the way you faced each single possibility. You faced them with grace and humbleness and a certainty that no matter the outcome you were going to win. You faced them with a courage that only comes from knowing that your time here was, in all probability, limited. And when miracles occurred (we both know they were miracles), you didn't take them for granted. Remissions occurred and relapses followed. Through it all you never lost faith. You were a champion for God. I'm gonna paraphrase something you said - that you didn't want anyone to be mad at God or stop believing in Him because your time here was ending. Thank you for showing me what wisdom is possible at 13 years old because you trusted and loved the Lord. I'm far older (stop giggling about my age) and I'm just striving to reach that. You have impacted me in ways that you never knew and my life is infinitely better for having known you. My grief is small compared to those who knew you so much better and spent infinitely more time with you. My solace is that while I grieve because the world is a dimmer place without you in it, I rejoice because you are with Jesus. You won, kid. You won.
Love Awn
PS. Listen up Stage IV Unfavorable Neuroblastoma, you did not win, you bastard. You did not win.
Friday, September 26, 2014
Thursday, August 28, 2014
Weekly Recap
You know, since it's almost the weekend I thought I'd recap. It is almost the weekend, right? I did forget what day it was just last week. Or maybe this was a few days ago? Eh, who cares.
New Meals and Baking
I can't cook for just the two of us. Does anyone else have this problem? Cooking for an army instead of just for two? Currently there is a crock pot full of taco chicken chili goodness in my kitchen. I want to eat the air, that's how good it smells in here. Which is good because there's enough in there to eat it for a week.
I found an old bread recipe that I had pinned...twice...and never tried. Recently DH and I were gifted a Le Creuset dutch oven as a housewarming gift and I knew just what to put in it. BREAD! I believe that homemade means we can eat it all in one day and not feel bad about it. You know, because there's no preservatives. Anyway, here is the link. Simply So Good Crusty Bread. I'm making an herbed version tonight. And I made a loaf last night. Because I can't ever have too much bread. That's like having too much cheese. Or too many donuts. Or too much 15 year Glenlivet.
Donuts are on the menu this weekend, thanks to Joy the Baker making it so dang easy! This could be disastrous for my already-slightly-too-snug-pants.
Working Out
I went to kickboxing class last weekend with friends. Despite all predictions to the contrary, I didn't break a single bone. I did bruise my knuckles, which just made me feel bad ass, and I had trouble walking for the next couple days. This will be repeated this weekend. I'm also trying a few 30 day challenges. Yes, you read that right. A few. See, I can't fathom that doing 20 jumping jacks and a few pushups will actually make a difference. So I'm attempting 3 of them simultaneously. Burpees are the bane of my workout existence. I want to puke after 9. Not 10. Not 8. But 9.
Giving Back
Do any of you shy away from giving? My bible study is working through James and we were in Chapter 2 this past week. It's a good hard look at do I give? I have a heart for the homeless but I realized only on my terms. I'm such a jerk! If I'm in the car and there is a homeless person on the corner I'll give cash if I have it and food if it's with me. But if I see them in a parking lot when I'm getting gas or taking my groceries to the car? I consciously avert my eyes and fervently hope they don't approach me. It's too uncomfortable for me without the safety of my car door and power windows. I don't think it's a giving heart if I only am willing when it's convenient. I'm praying this can change for me.
So You Think You Can Dance
I'm sad that there's only one more week in this season. One more show to see what majesty Travis Wall comes up with. One more week to wonder why contemporary dance moves me to tears even if I can't explain it. There's no clear winner to me this season. I may bite off all my fingernails between today and next Wednesday.
Gotta go bake bread!
New Meals and Baking
I can't cook for just the two of us. Does anyone else have this problem? Cooking for an army instead of just for two? Currently there is a crock pot full of taco chicken chili goodness in my kitchen. I want to eat the air, that's how good it smells in here. Which is good because there's enough in there to eat it for a week.
I found an old bread recipe that I had pinned...twice...and never tried. Recently DH and I were gifted a Le Creuset dutch oven as a housewarming gift and I knew just what to put in it. BREAD! I believe that homemade means we can eat it all in one day and not feel bad about it. You know, because there's no preservatives. Anyway, here is the link. Simply So Good Crusty Bread. I'm making an herbed version tonight. And I made a loaf last night. Because I can't ever have too much bread. That's like having too much cheese. Or too many donuts. Or too much 15 year Glenlivet.
Donuts are on the menu this weekend, thanks to Joy the Baker making it so dang easy! This could be disastrous for my already-slightly-too-snug-pants.
Working Out
I went to kickboxing class last weekend with friends. Despite all predictions to the contrary, I didn't break a single bone. I did bruise my knuckles, which just made me feel bad ass, and I had trouble walking for the next couple days. This will be repeated this weekend. I'm also trying a few 30 day challenges. Yes, you read that right. A few. See, I can't fathom that doing 20 jumping jacks and a few pushups will actually make a difference. So I'm attempting 3 of them simultaneously. Burpees are the bane of my workout existence. I want to puke after 9. Not 10. Not 8. But 9.
Giving Back
Do any of you shy away from giving? My bible study is working through James and we were in Chapter 2 this past week. It's a good hard look at do I give? I have a heart for the homeless but I realized only on my terms. I'm such a jerk! If I'm in the car and there is a homeless person on the corner I'll give cash if I have it and food if it's with me. But if I see them in a parking lot when I'm getting gas or taking my groceries to the car? I consciously avert my eyes and fervently hope they don't approach me. It's too uncomfortable for me without the safety of my car door and power windows. I don't think it's a giving heart if I only am willing when it's convenient. I'm praying this can change for me.
So You Think You Can Dance
I'm sad that there's only one more week in this season. One more show to see what majesty Travis Wall comes up with. One more week to wonder why contemporary dance moves me to tears even if I can't explain it. There's no clear winner to me this season. I may bite off all my fingernails between today and next Wednesday.
Gotta go bake bread!
Sunday, August 17, 2014
Poor Henry
Y'all know Henry. He's this lump of fur.
He's a little batty and full of love. His ancestry is French, I'm sure, even though he's part Maine Coon. His true name is Henri, Le Roi. He appears to enjoy chasing Evie around the house like his tail is on fire. Occasionally he even parkours off the walls, chairs, cabinets. Whatever, he's the King.
Henry doesn't like his tail being held on to, his feet being tickled or being flown around the house like the Hindenburg. He is ok with the occasional boat ride via cardboard box and a shoestring. He has the annoying habit of sitting next to my head, licking my hair and then placing his massive paw on my forehead and shaking me awake when he's hungry at 4am. He loves to sleep on his back whilst holding up one of the walls of the house. It's hard being Le Roi.
He's sweet. And beautiful. And cuddly. And a complete jerk when it comes to going to the vet's. Can't be that bad, you say? Our wonderful vet and staff have to GAS him in his crate in order to even touch him. Le sigh (you know, because he's French). In an effort to not kill anymore brain cells just to get his rabies vaccine updated, I asked about alternative methods. Maybe one of those mood sprays? Benedryl doesn't work because he chomps it and foams like a rabid wildebeest while looking at me saying "J'accuse!" with his eyes.
The solution: tranquilizers. For the cat. I've never even had tranquilizers! We had to give him 2 since he is the size of Jabba the Hut. Now he's wobbly and woozy and looks like he's drunk when he walks. He's currently sleeping it off while I anxiously check him for breathing every ten minutes.
The plus side? He still didn't get out of the crate, but he let the vet touch him. That usually doesn't occur. At all. There is hissing, scratching and bleeding but no actual touching. We've been assured there is a hell cat worse than he. I think they're making it up so I don't feel so bad.
He's a little batty and full of love. His ancestry is French, I'm sure, even though he's part Maine Coon. His true name is Henri, Le Roi. He appears to enjoy chasing Evie around the house like his tail is on fire. Occasionally he even parkours off the walls, chairs, cabinets. Whatever, he's the King.
Henry doesn't like his tail being held on to, his feet being tickled or being flown around the house like the Hindenburg. He is ok with the occasional boat ride via cardboard box and a shoestring. He has the annoying habit of sitting next to my head, licking my hair and then placing his massive paw on my forehead and shaking me awake when he's hungry at 4am. He loves to sleep on his back whilst holding up one of the walls of the house. It's hard being Le Roi.
He's sweet. And beautiful. And cuddly. And a complete jerk when it comes to going to the vet's. Can't be that bad, you say? Our wonderful vet and staff have to GAS him in his crate in order to even touch him. Le sigh (you know, because he's French). In an effort to not kill anymore brain cells just to get his rabies vaccine updated, I asked about alternative methods. Maybe one of those mood sprays? Benedryl doesn't work because he chomps it and foams like a rabid wildebeest while looking at me saying "J'accuse!" with his eyes.
The solution: tranquilizers. For the cat. I've never even had tranquilizers! We had to give him 2 since he is the size of Jabba the Hut. Now he's wobbly and woozy and looks like he's drunk when he walks. He's currently sleeping it off while I anxiously check him for breathing every ten minutes.
The plus side? He still didn't get out of the crate, but he let the vet touch him. That usually doesn't occur. At all. There is hissing, scratching and bleeding but no actual touching. We've been assured there is a hell cat worse than he. I think they're making it up so I don't feel so bad.
Monday, August 11, 2014
Not Teenage Worries
Trying to have a family isn't as easy as I thought it would be. I never thought that we would be dipping our toes into the "infertility" pool. It kind of sucks, right? As teenagers, whether you're having sex or not, you worry about getting pregnant. And now I'm worrying about NOT getting pregnant. DH and I are happy, so happy, just being married. This should be enough for us. We have each other and we have our furry babies. We have great jobs and wonderful families. We are blessed in a myriad of ways. But we want a family.
A family. It doesn't have to look like everyone else's family. But I want it. I want it so bad I can taste it. I want it bad enough that we're on the Clomid train. Oh, what's that? Twins you say? Bring it. Even a slight chance of triplets? I'll take those odds.
Would DH and I be happy without a family? We could be. Will a baby be the glue that keeps us together? Nope. We're the glue that holds us together. Well, and God. Without Him we're up the creek without a paddle. Would we be a kick ass mom and dad? You bet.
What I know, though, is that if Clomid doesn't work, if we have to jump through flaming hoops, move toward adoption or further then that's what we'll do. And in the meantime, we're keeping our eyes open for what God is showing us right now. What He's teaching us right now. What we could be doing that's bigger right now. But I would be really thrilled if the Clomid train would reach it's intended destination.
Until then you can probably find me in the kitchen, eating donuts and drinking wine.
A family. It doesn't have to look like everyone else's family. But I want it. I want it so bad I can taste it. I want it bad enough that we're on the Clomid train. Oh, what's that? Twins you say? Bring it. Even a slight chance of triplets? I'll take those odds.
Would DH and I be happy without a family? We could be. Will a baby be the glue that keeps us together? Nope. We're the glue that holds us together. Well, and God. Without Him we're up the creek without a paddle. Would we be a kick ass mom and dad? You bet.
What I know, though, is that if Clomid doesn't work, if we have to jump through flaming hoops, move toward adoption or further then that's what we'll do. And in the meantime, we're keeping our eyes open for what God is showing us right now. What He's teaching us right now. What we could be doing that's bigger right now. But I would be really thrilled if the Clomid train would reach it's intended destination.
Until then you can probably find me in the kitchen, eating donuts and drinking wine.
Monday, November 25, 2013
12 Insights into My Soul
Ok, so maybe that's not quite the line from You've Got Mail, but it sort of fits. There's been this game going around Facebook where friends give you a number and you have to post a list with that number of items people may not know about you. (I recognize the ridiculous length and roundaboutness of that sentence.) I have been so busy (no, not lazy) this week that this fad may already be over and I'm just getting on board.
A friend gave me the number 12. So here are 12 things you may or may not already know about me!
1. I Have a Fear of Closets
When I was a younger there was a live action Alice in Wonderland movie that was on TV. The Jabberwocky scared the underpants off of me. I became convinced that the Jabberwocky lived in my closet. To this day I cannot sleep if there is a closet door ajar in the same room with me. Let's take the crazy one step further. When I stay somewhere other than my own house I have to check the closet in whatever bedroom I sleep in. Ingrained weirdness.
2. I Had a Blankie
I was a blankie lover. I could have given Linus a run for his money if he weren't a fictional cartoon character. I would stand under the clothes line, sucking my thumb, while hanging on to one corner of it while it dried from washing.
3. Do Re Mi
I took private voice lessons for 7 years. For the majority of that time I had a voice teacher who terrified me into practicing every day. Which made me a much better singer. I wanted to be an actress when I was younger. I loved being on stage becoming another character. I loved singing through a show. I still love to sing. I just do it in the car or around the house instead of on stage. When DH is out of the house I'll hook up the computer to the TV, turn it all the way up and sing my heart out along with any musical soundtrack or some Sutton Foster.
4. Beets Taste Purple
They just do and I can't stomach that. Purple, people, purple. One of the few foods I cannot stand.
5. I Take My TV Seriously
When the Bestie and I lived together the very first year in Da Burgh, she had never watched Grey's Anatomy regularly. I adored that show. I never missed an episode, even if I had to record it on VHS. Yes, you read that right. VHS. One night after a day of clinic and class we were eating dinner and sitting on the couch. Every couple seconds she would ask another question. I calmly waited until a commercial, turned to her, picked up my fork and said "If you say one more word during this episode I will stab you with this fork." She took it pretty well considering I had just threatened physical violence over Mer and McDreamy.
6. Go Away Bing Crosby
I really really REALLY can't stand Christmas music until a couple weeks prior to Christmas. I feel this is a safe place that I can share this.
7. Hollywood Ain't Got Nothing On Me
My imagination is incredibly overactive. I can watch movies that cover any subject...as long as it would stay daylight forever. Maybe that's another reason to consider emmigrating to Scotland. It stays light outside for a looong time part of the year. Once the lights go out, I start to think of all the weird messed up things that happen in movies and then I'm too terrified to move. I have restrained myself from waking DH up and making him stay up with me up to this point, but it's probably not far off. I just try to avoid all horror and scary sci-fi movies.
8. Is Mom In the Room?
I am becoming more and more like my mom in weird ways. Like when I talk and cry at the same time, I sound just like her. I say things that she's always said them. Things slip out and I think "Oh goodness, there's mom." It's not bad, just a weird transition as I'm growing older.
9. Get In Ma Belly!
I can eat. A lot. Like, a lot a lot. I had to prove to DH that I wasn't all talk. He was duly impressed. I think it's because I'm a fairly small girl. Except for that booty. But otherwise I'm pretty petite. So when I say things like I can put away an entire large pizza in one sitting, or a half dozen donuts, or a whole batch of rice krispie treats in one work day, I have to prove that my stomach is as big as my mouth. Which in turn leads to that booty.
10. Dream On
I don't know if this is common, but I dream in all five senses. I also remember a lot of my dreams, dream almost every night, and I have recurring dreams since childhood that I can recognize while in the dream. I've heard and read different things about dreaming in all five senses. So I don't know if this is odd or not. I will say it's an odd feeling to be dreaming and find myself thinking "Oh, this frog guy again. Ok, so this will happen next. And then this. And here comes the flipping land rover right on cue." Maybe I'm in a real world Inception?
11. Curse You, Pie Crust!
I am a pretty stellar baker. However I do have an arch nemesis. Her name is Pie Crust. Only a woman could be this cruel, hence Pie Crust is a she. I can get a good batch of pie crust maybe 10% of the time. Even the No Fail recipes fail me. Seriously?!?!? I was given a special pie fork by my original MAPC (Masters Against Pie Crust) which has proven ineffective. Pie Crust, you are my Kryptonite.
12. I Love Trashy TV
I will turn on Bravo or TLC on my day off and leave it on all day. It's a sickness.
A friend gave me the number 12. So here are 12 things you may or may not already know about me!
1. I Have a Fear of Closets
When I was a younger there was a live action Alice in Wonderland movie that was on TV. The Jabberwocky scared the underpants off of me. I became convinced that the Jabberwocky lived in my closet. To this day I cannot sleep if there is a closet door ajar in the same room with me. Let's take the crazy one step further. When I stay somewhere other than my own house I have to check the closet in whatever bedroom I sleep in. Ingrained weirdness.
2. I Had a Blankie
I was a blankie lover. I could have given Linus a run for his money if he weren't a fictional cartoon character. I would stand under the clothes line, sucking my thumb, while hanging on to one corner of it while it dried from washing.
3. Do Re Mi
I took private voice lessons for 7 years. For the majority of that time I had a voice teacher who terrified me into practicing every day. Which made me a much better singer. I wanted to be an actress when I was younger. I loved being on stage becoming another character. I loved singing through a show. I still love to sing. I just do it in the car or around the house instead of on stage. When DH is out of the house I'll hook up the computer to the TV, turn it all the way up and sing my heart out along with any musical soundtrack or some Sutton Foster.
4. Beets Taste Purple
They just do and I can't stomach that. Purple, people, purple. One of the few foods I cannot stand.
5. I Take My TV Seriously
When the Bestie and I lived together the very first year in Da Burgh, she had never watched Grey's Anatomy regularly. I adored that show. I never missed an episode, even if I had to record it on VHS. Yes, you read that right. VHS. One night after a day of clinic and class we were eating dinner and sitting on the couch. Every couple seconds she would ask another question. I calmly waited until a commercial, turned to her, picked up my fork and said "If you say one more word during this episode I will stab you with this fork." She took it pretty well considering I had just threatened physical violence over Mer and McDreamy.
6. Go Away Bing Crosby
I really really REALLY can't stand Christmas music until a couple weeks prior to Christmas. I feel this is a safe place that I can share this.
7. Hollywood Ain't Got Nothing On Me
My imagination is incredibly overactive. I can watch movies that cover any subject...as long as it would stay daylight forever. Maybe that's another reason to consider emmigrating to Scotland. It stays light outside for a looong time part of the year. Once the lights go out, I start to think of all the weird messed up things that happen in movies and then I'm too terrified to move. I have restrained myself from waking DH up and making him stay up with me up to this point, but it's probably not far off. I just try to avoid all horror and scary sci-fi movies.
8. Is Mom In the Room?
I am becoming more and more like my mom in weird ways. Like when I talk and cry at the same time, I sound just like her. I say things that she's always said them. Things slip out and I think "Oh goodness, there's mom." It's not bad, just a weird transition as I'm growing older.
9. Get In Ma Belly!
I can eat. A lot. Like, a lot a lot. I had to prove to DH that I wasn't all talk. He was duly impressed. I think it's because I'm a fairly small girl. Except for that booty. But otherwise I'm pretty petite. So when I say things like I can put away an entire large pizza in one sitting, or a half dozen donuts, or a whole batch of rice krispie treats in one work day, I have to prove that my stomach is as big as my mouth. Which in turn leads to that booty.
10. Dream On
I don't know if this is common, but I dream in all five senses. I also remember a lot of my dreams, dream almost every night, and I have recurring dreams since childhood that I can recognize while in the dream. I've heard and read different things about dreaming in all five senses. So I don't know if this is odd or not. I will say it's an odd feeling to be dreaming and find myself thinking "Oh, this frog guy again. Ok, so this will happen next. And then this. And here comes the flipping land rover right on cue." Maybe I'm in a real world Inception?
11. Curse You, Pie Crust!
I am a pretty stellar baker. However I do have an arch nemesis. Her name is Pie Crust. Only a woman could be this cruel, hence Pie Crust is a she. I can get a good batch of pie crust maybe 10% of the time. Even the No Fail recipes fail me. Seriously?!?!? I was given a special pie fork by my original MAPC (Masters Against Pie Crust) which has proven ineffective. Pie Crust, you are my Kryptonite.
12. I Love Trashy TV
I will turn on Bravo or TLC on my day off and leave it on all day. It's a sickness.
Monday, October 28, 2013
A Day Off
It's been a busy couple weeks for DH and I, with no end in sight. I'm looking forward to a rogue snowstorm here in the Deep South to force us to just sit around! I think it's a fantasy, but a girl can dream.
We went to Boston for My Person's wedding a couple weeks ago. It was a whirlwind five days full of pumpkins, parties, pseudo-family and love. I considered the wedding day a success because none of us fell into the lake whilst talking pictures.
It was back to work when we got back to the Deep South, complete with my upcoming yearly review (probably another post for another day), a presentation due in a couple weeks and a meeting coming up. Not to mention all the emails and daily paperwork that piles up when you're out of the office for a couple days!
Even the fun things took up some time this weekend! Friends of ours have an annual Halloween party, and this year we went as Fix-It Felix and Vanellope Von Schweets from Wreck It Ralph. The costumes were a success according to friends. I didn't feel as generous on Friday night when I spent time on a tutu for under my skirt, only to try it on and realize that the skirt didn't lay on top of the tutu but pulled over it. Thus giving me the largest bubble butt known to mankind. So I happen to have an adult sized pink, mint and white tutu should anyone need one.
Alright, time to put this post to bed. I'm definitely still trying to figure out where I'm taking this blog. It used to be so easy to write a witty fun post. And lately it feels like work. Hopefully it will all click and I'll be writing more regularly!
Have a great week!
Sunday, October 13, 2013
Zombies Are Not For Me
I am currently camped out in DH and I's bedroom. The living room is being taken over by The Walking Dead.
Which I refuse to watch.
Because I worry too much about Glen.
And DH once had to explain the myriad ways that our abode could withstand a zombie attack.
Does that leave any doubt that I should not be in the living room? I didn't think so.
Which I refuse to watch.
Because I worry too much about Glen.
And DH once had to explain the myriad ways that our abode could withstand a zombie attack.
Does that leave any doubt that I should not be in the living room? I didn't think so.
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