A PSA on Infertility Etiquette

I've been thinking about writing something like this post for a long time. It's a subject that is near and dear to us, obviously. And it's a subject that lends itself to people feeling uninformed, awkward and unsure of how to talk to their friends who are in the midst of it. (Don't worry, we stumble ourselves when trying to form words for this.)This is a mini PSA for those of you who might not know the ins and outs of fertility treatments.

1. There are a variety of fertility treatments and options...IUI, IVF, donor sperm, donor eggs, surrogacy, embryo adoption or donation, adoption. They all involve a scary amount of statistics and failure rates. It's overwhelming and daunting. What makes it bearable is people who ask what is involved. It's ok to ask questions. Most of us welcome them if we've shared about our infertility with you. Which brings us to #2...

2. If someone hasn't told you that their having trouble then don't bring it up. We're clearly very open about this situation that we're in. But not everyone is. So even if you've been told that a friend is trying for a baby and it's not working, don't offer your condolences. This is an insanely private thing for a lot of couples. Right or wrong there is a lot of shame and guilt associated with not being able to have a baby. To have that blown wide open by someone who you didn't tell personally is a breach of trust for a lot of people. There are exceptions of course. But tread lightly.

3. If you've asked someone about their plans for children/if they have any/if they want children and they give you a standard "Someday" or "We'd love to" answer don't ask further questions. Most of us will handle that standard "When are you having kids someday" question with a smile on our face or at least a pleasant answer. But when the questions continue it can be devastatingly difficult to not break down.

     I bring this up because of the viral video right now regarding how people shouldn't ask women about children. I don't think that others should censor what they say when the situation is unknown to them. As an example if I meet a patient for the first time and they ask me if I have children (which they do because the vast majority are grandparents themselves) I don't get offended. They don't know that we've been trying for 2.5 years. There's no way they could know and it's not something I'll share with my patients. So if that offends me then I'm probably gonna have a bad time interacting with society instead of seeing it for what it is - someone trying to connect.

4. I really really REALLY don't want to hear about your cousin's surprise baby after they stopped trying. The fact of it is that most couples conceive without any intervention in one year. There is a 10% chance of pregnancy every month at my age, according to our Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE). Those are some slim odds. So when you add in actual medical issues there's not a lot of room for pregnancy to happen on it's own. Relaxing won't work here, sticking pineapple cores unmentionable places won't help and neither will all the supplements in the world.

5. And on that note, we love our RE. We wish we never had to see him but since we do, we're thrilled that he's a straight shooter. He gives us stats for his clinic. Every doctor may have a different viewpoint and methods of treatment. Because our plan of care isn't the same as someone else's that you know doesn't mean diddly squat. Ours wouldn't work for them and theirs wouldn't work for us. It's just that simple.

6. Finally, again, if you have questions just ask us. We have a great support system and they are truly great because they don't offer platitudes to make themselves feel better or try to make us feel better. They allow us to be completely honest when we want to be and to curl around our feelings when we need that extra protection. They say that this sucks and we agree. There are so many different options for different circumstances. If our journey can help someone else know that there are options then that may be the silver lining to this whole thing.

I'd like to reiterate that we know this is an awkward subject. It can feel taboo to ask questions or wrong to not assure your friends that they will get pregnant. But while we desperately want that outcome we know that it may not happen for us. In the meantime we'll drink some scotch and hang on to hope. Do you want to wait with us?