IUI Round One; Bruised But Not Broken

Oh friends, this road is hard. We've been kind of mum on the whole process until now because we didn't know what it would be like. And even though we want to be open and transparent about our struggle, we don't know when or how we want to tell people that we're (fingers crossed, prayers said and jump over a well backwards - ok, I just made that last one up) pregnant. So we have been a little more hesitant to share lately.

We attempted this whole IUI thing in December but my body rebelled, my meds weren't quite right and we couldn't do the actual procedure. January rolls around and we were ready steady go. After a few bobbles, a lot of tears and wondering if this would all work this time around we were able to complete a cycle.

Then came the waiting....waiting...waiting. Was that a twinge? Was that a cramp? Am I more tired than I usually am? Ew what's that smell? Is this all in my head? Truth: I was way more tired than normal and a little queasy. But the beginning of this week came, along with a blood draw and a few hours of bated breath waiting. And sadly that afternoon brought the heart bruising news that we were not yet destined to be parents. Likely the increased meds are the cause of all of my "symptoms" along with a small bit of (I'll admit it) overactive desire to have those symptoms.

I have a group of girls whom I love fiercely. (They are not my only group that I love fiercely, FYI. I am blessed to have so many of these women and men in my life.) We meet and we talk and we pray and we cry and we laugh, oh how we laugh. And we study. Our current book was so timely for this week. The first chapter of this (The Storm Inside by Sheila Walsh if you're interested) is about heartbreak. She talks about how the very essence of being heartbroken is to have unimaginable loss. She talks about the difference between burdens and loads and how we need others to help carry our burdens but loads can be borne alone. Most importantly she says "God has promised you that whatever you face, you are not alone. He knows your pain. He loves you. And He will bring you through the fire." on page 13 (not trying to plagerize, y'all!).

I am amazed daily these days how I am exactly where I need to be and surrounded by those who will help bear our burdens. That doesn't mean that I get to share my rucksack of issues...you know, my load. There are things that I need to keep to myself. Things to discuss with God. Things to try and change. (Like my temper when I'm in traffic. Really, who's going to help bear that one? I can't stand it and it's mine.) Things that I seek counsel on from my a friend who is iron sharpening iron, but who doesn't try to share my load. In the end only I can do something about those things.

This faith doesn't mean that I don't hurt, that I don't rage at times over how unfair this is. That I don't get angry, and that some days I need others to cover me in prayer because I can't bring myself to talk to my beautiful, loving, merciful Father. That I don't despair at times when looking at our finances and thinking of how different things would be if we weren't seeing specialists (don't worry, y'all, we're good). That I don't cry tears of grief over a child we have yet to know because that desire to know them is so strong.

But He will bring me through the fire. Through the fire. He doesn't promise I won't be changed or even singed, but that I will survive. I know that not everyone who reads my posts believes the same things I do. But this is where I find my comfort, along with DH, family and friends who have wrapped us up in gentle arms this week as we're feeling our bruises, moving carefully around the sore spots and wondering how long the healing may take. Despite our bruised hearts, we're not heartbroken. This is not an unimaginable loss for us. We knew that this round might not work, and that actually no round might work. There are no guarantees when it comes to this fertility rollercoaster. My only guarantee is that while I am bruised and battered, this experience will not cover the rest of my life. I have not lost a parent, a child, my brothers and sisters, my husband. I have not lost my faith. Those are the unimaginable losses for me. Those are the causes of heartbreak and I am thankful that I can say I have not been heartbroken in this lifetime of mine.