IUI Round One; Bruised But Not Broken

Oh friends, this road is hard. We've been kind of mum on the whole process until now because we didn't know what it would be like. And even though we want to be open and transparent about our struggle, we don't know when or how we want to tell people that we're (fingers crossed, prayers said and jump over a well backwards - ok, I just made that last one up) pregnant. So we have been a little more hesitant to share lately.

We attempted this whole IUI thing in December but my body rebelled, my meds weren't quite right and we couldn't do the actual procedure. January rolls around and we were ready steady go. After a few bobbles, a lot of tears and wondering if this would all work this time around we were able to complete a cycle.

Then came the waiting....waiting...waiting. Was that a twinge? Was that a cramp? Am I more tired than I usually am? Ew what's that smell? Is this all in my head? Truth: I was way more tired than normal and a little queasy. But the beginning of this week came, along with a blood draw and a few hours of bated breath waiting. And sadly that afternoon brought the heart bruising news that we were not yet destined to be parents. Likely the increased meds are the cause of all of my "symptoms" along with a small bit of (I'll admit it) overactive desire to have those symptoms.

I have a group of girls whom I love fiercely. (They are not my only group that I love fiercely, FYI. I am blessed to have so many of these women and men in my life.) We meet and we talk and we pray and we cry and we laugh, oh how we laugh. And we study. Our current book was so timely for this week. The first chapter of this (The Storm Inside by Sheila Walsh if you're interested) is about heartbreak. She talks about how the very essence of being heartbroken is to have unimaginable loss. She talks about the difference between burdens and loads and how we need others to help carry our burdens but loads can be borne alone. Most importantly she says "God has promised you that whatever you face, you are not alone. He knows your pain. He loves you. And He will bring you through the fire." on page 13 (not trying to plagerize, y'all!).

I am amazed daily these days how I am exactly where I need to be and surrounded by those who will help bear our burdens. That doesn't mean that I get to share my rucksack of issues...you know, my load. There are things that I need to keep to myself. Things to discuss with God. Things to try and change. (Like my temper when I'm in traffic. Really, who's going to help bear that one? I can't stand it and it's mine.) Things that I seek counsel on from my a friend who is iron sharpening iron, but who doesn't try to share my load. In the end only I can do something about those things.

This faith doesn't mean that I don't hurt, that I don't rage at times over how unfair this is. That I don't get angry, and that some days I need others to cover me in prayer because I can't bring myself to talk to my beautiful, loving, merciful Father. That I don't despair at times when looking at our finances and thinking of how different things would be if we weren't seeing specialists (don't worry, y'all, we're good). That I don't cry tears of grief over a child we have yet to know because that desire to know them is so strong.

But He will bring me through the fire. Through the fire. He doesn't promise I won't be changed or even singed, but that I will survive. I know that not everyone who reads my posts believes the same things I do. But this is where I find my comfort, along with DH, family and friends who have wrapped us up in gentle arms this week as we're feeling our bruises, moving carefully around the sore spots and wondering how long the healing may take. Despite our bruised hearts, we're not heartbroken. This is not an unimaginable loss for us. We knew that this round might not work, and that actually no round might work. There are no guarantees when it comes to this fertility rollercoaster. My only guarantee is that while I am bruised and battered, this experience will not cover the rest of my life. I have not lost a parent, a child, my brothers and sisters, my husband. I have not lost my faith. Those are the unimaginable losses for me. Those are the causes of heartbreak and I am thankful that I can say I have not been heartbroken in this lifetime of mine.

Friendship Ain't Easy

I think I vaguely remember promising some pictures from our Scottish honeymoon. Today is not that post, though. Sorry friends!

Speaking of friends...that's what's on my heart today. Or maybe it's more loneliness. Maybe I can't really separate those two things. I've thought about this post for the past couple days, and it always flows better when I'm thinking about it in the shower. Since the laptop and water don't mix, this version is sure to be clumsier than I'd like. And for the record, my DH is exempt from the below post. He is truly my best friend. There's just something different about female friendships. And that's what this is about.

When I moved to the Deep South four years ago, I did it on my own. I didn't know a soul here. And I was blessed to have a job that surrounded me in women my age. It was such a blessing - like having built in new friends and a new job! The girls that I worked with were warm and welcoming. I was included in holidays and new babies and running and get-togethers. I also found friends through bible study and spent the better part of 2 years doing life with a group of women that were in every part of life from singledom to divorced and everything in between.

And those friendships stood good stead through a couple years. Some grew closer and some grew apart. Some flat out failed. Priorities in life change. Circumstances intervene. And before I knew it, I was squarely on the outside of most of the friendships that had been cultivated. I'm not placing blame here, I don't really even know what happened, to be brutally honest. Things changed in many of those friend's lives, including my own. Not all friendships withstand the test of time, nor are they always meant to.

In the last year I've worked on friendships with my beautiful sister-in-law who is close here in the Deep South, as well as with some of DH's friends. And those women are funny, strong, real and inviting. But it doesn't change the fact that I'm the outsider, still, that doesn't quite know where she fits in the circle that is already there. Maybe this is just something that takes time to happen...

Why is it so much harder to make friends when we're adults? I have a handful of close to the heart friends, the majority of which I have known 5+ years. And the majority of those friends are geographically far from me at the moment. My heart aches for those friends. From the need to spend time with those who know me inside and out. From the need to just wallow in the familiarity that comes from being utterly myself with someone else. From the need to be with those who get me in all my awkward quirky mean self-conscious sweetness. From the need to be with people that feel like home no matter where we are.

I believe that I can reach that place with those fledgling friendships. I'm just not sure how to do it.

Raising Our Expectations

Danielle at Butler Party of 2 blogged about a topic near and dear to my heart that you can find HERE. So this idea is by no means original, but she put it so well and I want to add my own spin to it.

How many of you have friends that are women? Would you consider these women as someone to uphold you and encourage you? Do your friends edify you when you’re not there? Do your friends love you well, hold you accountable but not judge you?

I hope that you answered yes, yes, yes and yes! You are indeed a lucky woman if that is the case.

All too often though it seems that we are quick to tear each other down, to expect failure from one another, to not encourage and to not love well but out of the selfish need to feel better about ourselves.

Let me say right now that this post will likely not be my most popular. I’m ok with that. It’s not meant to be a veiled attack or jab at anyone. But some may read it that way. I have to be ok with that.

An example that comes to mind (and I can credit Danielle with this because I had not thought of it this way before reading her brilliant post) is the friend who tells you that once you have kids you won’t have that same body. There won’t be time for working out and you’ll let yourself go. Danielle’s point here was that instead of encouraging one another to do what keeps each other happy/centered/stressfree the friend expects you to fail. Fail at being healthy. Fail at keeping your goals. Why? Maybe they’ve failed and it’s better to have company. Maybe no one has encouraged them to excell.

But why not encourage each other instead? Why not give kudos for surpassing the conventional worldly expectations of each other? Why not kick social expectation to the curb and cheer one another on? It’s hard to encourage and yet so easy to do as well. For some maybe it’s the emotional component of giving that encouragement. Maybe encouragement isn’t being given to that person. Social experiment: Give encouragement to someone who doesn’t easily give it out. Listen to the person that complains loudly. Maybe they don’t know that anyone is listening to them and are just trying to be heard.

I have indeed been guilty of being on both sides of this. Our relationships as women are complicated and often times are fraught with drama, baggage from…well, every experience of our lives….and the period of life we’re in currently. They also include love, laughter, tears of joy and pain, and the occasional glass of wine. We should absolutely be free to discuss where we are, the difficulties, the successes, the rewards and the fears. However we should be careful to not put our own expectations on the other person as a given. Who knows what we could accomplish if given the chance?

Edify one another in public. Encourage one another in whatever way works. Uphold one another in prayer and in conversation. Love one another well.

Stop expecting one another to fail, to be mediocre, to do enough to just get by.

Shell, thank you from the bottom of my poured out heart. 

Overwhelmed by Grace

I totally had a different post halfway written for tonight.

Then I went to Life Group. And I realized that I'm continuously covered and overwhelmed by grace. And love. And mercy.

Last week was full of small trials and bad news and trying times for myself and really for people I love.

This week...at least this far....has been one full of excitement and love and grace.

My bridal party has dresses ordered or in to be picked up. My wedding dress, y'all, has come in. I have yet to lay eyes on it, but IT. IS. HERE. DH and I bought plane tickets for our honeymoon. My Henry is ok despite spilling a Scentsy full of My Dear Watson all over himself and DH's living room. (For the record, it won't make a cat sick. But they sure smell nice when it happens. And look a little baffled by the impromptu paraffin dip. But his fur is silky smooth.) My mom loves me enough to, well, love me.

Above all God's grace has covered me. When DH loved me more than the day before. When I was almost creamed by a tractor trailer on I35W. When I kept my mouth shut instead of saying what I thought...which didn't need to be said. When He calmed my spirit and soul in the middle of the night. When I met the right people at the right time.  When I sat in a room with other women and listened to how they love, fear, defend and laugh. When I pushed myself harder at the gym and didn't talk myself out of going further.

I am thankful for the grace that covers me and overwhelms me with the love it holds.

All Painted With The Same Brush

There's been something on my mind lately. And it's been festering, just bugging the crap out of me. I feel like I need to talk about it, even if my post isn't the most eloquent one ever written. I hope y'all can give me a little leeway.

I am a Christian. A practicing Christian. A growing Christian. A loving Christian. A Christian who is often painted with the same brush as all the "Christians" in the world. It is supremely disheartening to be told to tolerate everything else that happens in the world without being allowed to express my views on it before judgement has been passed. And no, not everyone does that. Just as there are those people who will ask questions before deciding that my belief system allows them to put me into a category, I am also one who will ask questions.

I don't think I have all the answers but I won't apologize for my beliefs. (Ask my BFF if you want to talk in worldly labels - she's a "liberal" and I'm a "conservative" yet we are still BFFs). That doesn't mean that I will insist that my beliefs should be yours. I'd love to talk about what I believe with you, but my beating you about the head will do neither of us any good. It will blunt my words and drive you away. I want to be a picture of God in this world and do life in a way that makes others want to also know Him. A realistic picture, as far as my human mind can wrap itself around His ways. I am human and my interpretation of His Word will not always be correct. I'll try to work my way through it with help, with questions and with prayer. But it's not my job to save anyone else. It's my job to express His love and to live in His ways. To love each and every person apart from their actions, beliefs, words and thoughts that I may not agree with. If I try to save someone I am trying to be God. I am not God.

If you're reading this and have something constructive to say, whether it agrees or disagrees then leave me a comment please! If you have questions, leave those too. But please be respectful, the same way that I hope I've been.

Oh Shell, I needed to pour this out.

Sunday Social: Dream Job

Sunday Social!!! This week may just be my favorite topic so far.


1. What is your dream job?

     Oh, a pastry chef! Or a chef! Or a sous chef....nah, forget that. I would love to be able to make money by spending time in the kitchen. You can see some of my cookies here, here, and here. Oh, and here!

2. If you had just won the lottery and didn't need to work for money, what would you do with your time?

    I would bake! And I think I would still work. I love being able to help kiddos and their families. I love my job. I would be a little lost without it and I would feel incomplete! I heart ears. 

3. When you were a kid, what did you want to be when you grew up?

    You spunky showkids, I was gonna be a STAR on Broadway! That was my longest lasting career plan. I fell in love with the stage around 6th grade, started private voice lessons in 7th grade, have an undergrad in Fine Arts and while I passed stage design I can't build you a model scene that involves stairs to save my life. I miss being on the stage at times even now. I don't sing as much as I used to. I haven't lost myself in a role in years. It's a bit sad.

4. What piece career advice would you give to someone just starting out in your field?

     Do everything you can to avoid student loans, because the fact of the matter is we do not make enough to offset what a doctorate costs. It's a fact, no matter what student loan officers will tell you! I guess that's really just good advice for anyone. Um...audiology advice. Be committed to your patients. Be present when you are at work, despite what else is going on in your life or home. Don't half-ass it because the only people that suffer are your patients.

5. Biggest Pet Peeves either in life or in blogging or at work

    Hold on to your hats! Talking around an issue - just say it already! If you can't communicate directly then I have a really hard time knowing what the heck you have a problem with. Overflowing trash cans. People leaving common spaces dirty or not put away for the next person. Being so preoccupied with self that things aren't ready for others. Icing that doesn't come out to the color or consistency it should be. 

Although my number one pet peeve would be bass. Yes, bass as in boom boom boom. If I am in a building and you are driving past, my breastbone and ossicles (or ear bones) should not be resonating. I know that it's job security for myself because you are losing your hearing by being an idiot, but it's that vibration in my bones that drives me bonkers!

6. Biggest Fears

    Being inadequate. Not walking in the Word. Losing DH before we're old and gray and die hand in hand because anything else is unthinkable. Being too self absorbed to see the hurt around me. Not reaching out enough to those who need a hand. Getting fat - it's true, even if it's such a selfish thing...oh wait, that's a self absorbed thing...Dang. 




Next week's questions, which actually make this set my second favorite because I adore Fall:

1. What is your favorite Fall activity?

2. Do you follow a football team? if so which one and why?

3. What is something fun about Fall in your area?

4. Fav Fall outfit staples?

5. Thing you are looking forward to most about this coming Fall season?

6. Favorite Fall holiday? Traditions?

I'm a Gossip and a Critic

Truth: I used to be a horrible gossip. Yep, I said it. I would talk about everyone. And maybe that's what society tells us girls/women do, but it's still wrong. Sometimes we consider it a way to bond, so that's not bad, right? No, it still is. There's a difference between discussing a subject or being concerned and just badmouthing someone or something.

Truth: While I am a much improved keeper of secrets, I still gossip sometimes. Sigh. And I couch it in terms like "I'm concerned about..." or "I'm worried about...." when in my heart I just want to get the details or share the details. Kind of ugly.

Truth: I'm critical now instead of gossiping. Critical of crap that I shouldn't really give two flying farts about. (Sorry mom for all the potty language!) I critique things and people and books and movies and situations and other people's driving and reactions and responses and clothing and food and attitudes. This. Is. Bad.

Truth: I'm human. I will strive to be better. My Father covers me with grace when I am less than gracious. He gives me more leeway than I ever give others, with maybe the exception of DH. And even then I fall short of His goodness. And I can't begin to imagine how much He loves me, little piddling me, if I don't love DH as much as He loves me.

Truth: I get to do life with a group of funny, bossy, amazing, truthful, loving, in-the-Word women. They keep me real. They will correct out of love, they pray for my weak times and to give me strength, they comfort, they counsel and they are examples. I am forever grateful for the insight that they share when they have no idea what "Ah ha!" moments I'm having sitting next to them listening through the laughter and through the tears.

As always, I'm pouring my heart out with Shell

Ornaments, Tacos and God....It's Christmas time in the South

C'mon, admit it, you were really curious about this title.

I know I haven't been blogging a lot lately. This time of year lends itself to running about like a chicken with it's head cut off, manic shopping sprees (usually for myself since I'm stressed about what to buy others) and an overall feeling of impending mayhem. I don't know that anyone wants to read about that as I'm not as witty or self-deprecating as a lot of blogs I follow.

So what's with the title, right? On Tuesday nights, at least when impending mayhem is held in check, I spend a few hours with the women in my Life Group. This is what bible study is called through our church, because we're doing life together - the ups, the downs, sharing both the joys and blessings and the sorrows and hurts...and always the the laughs.

Last night was the annual ornament exchange and taco night. Tacos for Christmas? Why has no one in Yankeeland thought of this? Everyone brought something and we had a feast - there was an inordinately large amount of shredded lettuce, tortillas from Uncle Julios, sopapilla cheesecake and the best company I could have asked for. Oh, and thanks to Pinterest for my ornament idea - it was a hit. Even though it didn't look quite like this one...errr....well, this is embarrassing, but Pinterest is having some sort of hissy fit or melt-down. I'll put a picture later, if I remember. Hey lookit! Here it is!

In the midst of all the fun, laughing, eating, sharing favorite Christmas movies and more laughing, we talked about what names we use for God. Redeemer, benefactor, forgiver, Emmanuel, ATM (I think this was All to Me but I remember it abbreviated to ATM) and others. In the season that focuses so much on the world and what we want and think we need, it can be humbling and refreshing to remember that Christmas isn't about trees, ornaments, presents and cookies - although these are all nice things and we should enjoy this time of year. But being reminded to keep focus on "unpacking Christ", to borrow a phrase from Ross Sawyers, is a gift that I cannot give thanks for enough.

Merry Christmas, friends, if I don't see you before.