Because I Said I Would

I promised I'd blog more. So here I am.

Sitting on the couch with a beer at hand, waiting for the words to come. The beer, by the way, is pretty stellar. Martinhouse Stars Above, a raspberry sour. Living in the land of craft breweries has opened up my world, y'all.

Ok, I'll dive right in. The whole "we're not having kids" thing? That still hurts horribly. It is physically painful at times and it can creep up on me even on a good day. Things that we used to hope would happen someday...that aren't happening now. An example would be giving Henry meds last week. E had to work late and Henry is on a liquid oral antibiotic. So I sat on the floor, pulled him into my lap, wrapped my legs around him and popped his mouth open. Easy peasy. And my first thought was "I would have been a good mom" which led to tears while feeding the animals.

Grief isn't a straight line. It's more like this:

(https://side-out.org/latest-blog/just-keep-swimming-grief-advice-from-finding-nemo/)

I don't know that we will ever come out on the other side completely. I believe, right now, that we will still have fleeting moments of grief as others hit milestones that we will never see. We never get to have a first day of school, a first smile, a first tumble from a bike, a first boyfriend/girlfriend, a first disciplinary failure (that was a guarantee). The list can go on and on.

Grief gets better over time. I logically know this. So on the bad days where there are more hits than not, I try to remember this.

And in the meantime we look for moments and days of happiness, or at least joy. Brief face snuggles from Evie, who has a new nickname - DJ Pickle. Enjoying spur of the moment days out. Netflix and chill with E. Going straight from work to the gym without needing to arrange for childcare. Staying up late and having no one to get up with early the next day.

None of it is what we would have chosen. But we don't always get what we would like.

Mini Mind Dump

DH and I often ask the other one "What are you thinking about?" And usually the other person says "Nothing." I don't know about him, but I'm usually thinking about 9,267 unrelated items. So it's just easier to say "Nothing". When I consider blogging, I usually have a bunch of these unrelated items that I want to kind of dump on the page. But they rarely go together into one cohesive post. So tonight I pay respects to the tangled thought process that occupies my noggin.

Evie. Evie has developed a penchant for all items that are stringy or have strings or possibly could have strings if she drags them around the house enough. This means that she's fishing all manner of things out of the dirty laundry basket, off the makeshift drying racks and from the top of the dryer. Rarely does a day go by that I don't come home to find underwear, socks, tank tops, work out tops, bras or scrub pants somewhere in the house. Usually next to her food bowl. I'm not entirely sure whether she gets hungry from all the fetching and dragging or if she has given them all names and thinks our inanimate articles of clothing are hungry. It must be supremely confusing to her when they refuse to eat.

I bit the bullet and finally purchased some new foundation. I really hate the little expiration icons on make-up products. I don't use enough make-up to ever go through something completely before it "expires". And the time frame for some products is ridiculous. Mascara has a 3 month time limit. Um, not in my house. I have mascara, multiple mascaras actually, that are over a year old. And the majority of them are samples....I can't even go through samples in a year. There are not enough eyelashes in this house to use mascara in 3 months. Do people actually spend money on high end products and then throw them away when only a 1/4 has been used? Anyway, I digress...which is why I have so much junk in my mind. I went with Too Faced Born This Way foundation. The Porcelain shade is pretty much a perfect color match. But I have been so used to seeing a slightly too yellow shade in the Urban Decay Naked line that I feel washed out. See...the color wasn't even right in the Naked line but it was close and that crap is expensive so I was going to use it. Who cared if I looked a little jaundiced? Anyway, the Too Faced weathered a tough 9 rounds of 9Round tonight without smudging a bit. I'm not sure if I should be impressed or never expose my skin to it again. I'm just going to consider it a testament to the Wayne Goss method of foundation application. Thank heavens my primer is good for 36 months. It may be the only product I ever use completely.

I have a new author and blogger that I pretty much want to be. Except I'd rather she be her and I learn from her wisdom. By wisdom I mean actual wisdom and what it was to be cool in the 90's. I love when I randomly choose a book at the library/e-library and it speaks to me. Her name is Melanie Shankle and her blog is Big Mama. The first book I read was her newest one and it's about friendship. Y'all, yinz, you guys...it made me really think about my friendships that I've had and that I have. She has a way of writing that is both hysterical and thought-provoking. Anyway, I promptly bought all three books that she's written. I was laughing so hard while reading the one about marriage that DH asked if I was ok. It was gasping no sound tears down my cheeks with random bouts of sound laughter. The kind that sort of sounds like a farm animal dying, but is really laughter.

DH and I are officially at the top of the Popsicle Gang list....I know, we thought we were at the top also. I even wrote that blog post and everything. Well there was a snafu of sorts that's been sorted since and now we're at the tippity top (I couldn't keep the "s" theme going there)! This is simultaneously the most exciting news and the most petrifying news possible. This will all be over in the next few...four...six months. Ok, so we don't really have any idea when this will all happen. But it's closer to happening now than last week. And that means we'll either eventually be parents or we'll turn into Brandi Carlile roadies. Well, at least I will. I can't speak for DH.

I'd better end things while I can still move my arms. I lifted a total of around 1600 pounds over the course of my work out (in the form of a 12 lb med ball) - seriously, that 9Rounds is no joke. Which means I will be useless in about 10 minutes. At least I washed my hair tonight.

Loose Threads

I have a lot of things rolling around in my noggin, and not much of it is coherent...or maybe related? This is likely going to be a dumping post.

1. I am tired of hearing the word Ebola. I am tired of the fear mongering that the news stations are pandering. I am tired of the panic that others are succumbing to over this. Yes, it is scary stuff - it's unknown and that makes it more scary. Yes, you should be smart about washing your hands, etc. I personally do not think that we all need face masks to go outside our houses, and I live in the Dallas vicinity. I don't think that this is going to wipe out all of North America. I think it's damn impressive that this is the first time we've had to deal with Ebola here given the numerous travel that happens between those countries that are dealing with Ebola and the rest of the world. I think we should all be much more concerned with the flu and the number of people who choose to not receive the flu shot if they can.

2. I'm already tired of the early political ads here in the South. Beating me over the head with biased ads will not win my vote. Give me some actual information and then we can talk. This is exactly why I block certain "friends" on Facebook once the Presidential election machine starts up in earnest. I'm capable of having a discussion regarding why I have views and why I choose to vote the way I do. I don't respond well to someone shoving their views in my face while yelling "SEE?!?!? I'M RIGHT AND YOU'RE JUST IGNORANT!"

3. On a much lighter note DH and I nailed down our Halloween costumes. My work is having a costume contest and so the 80's are coming back with a vengence on Friday! Full blown leggings, lace and leg warmers. DH is going to be Bob Ross...I'm assuming only the parents who are helping little trick-or-treaters will know who he is. I'd be surprised if anyone under the age of 30 knows who he is. Evie also got into the Halloween spirit by trying to eat the Bob Ross wig and licking the adhesive off the packaging for my fingerless gloves. My exact words were "Stop licking that! It was probably made in China and will kill you!" She paused, considered, and continued on her quest for the 1.5 seconds it took me to wrench the cellophane away from her.

4. Henry had a surgery a couple weeks ago and we were finally able to remove the Cone of Shame for good this week. He is a rare one indeed. Most cats do not grow fatty tumors, otherwise known as lipomas. But Henry did. He had a little extra jiggle in the booty area when he walked. So now he is both tumor and hair free in a large part of his right back half. Our magnificent vet assured us the fur will grow quickly but for now it's like seeing the man beneath the clothing - he's got such long hair that it's easy for use to forget how much of his hulking self is hair.

5. DH took the PE exam this past week. I'm so proud of him! He took classes and studied for months. Now it's sitting on pins and needles for the next 2 1/2 months waiting to see if he passed. I have every faith that he did! He's currently enjoying some time gaming, something he hasn't had a whole lot of free time for lately. Can I just say I do not understand the video game side of my man? It makes my head hurt to think of sitting in front of the TV for that long shooting at things, driving cars or saving Ellie.

6. I miss blogging. Which is ironic...since I'm blogging. But I miss the ease that the words used to flow off my fingertips with. The way my older posts were witty and funny. Well, at least to me. I have forgotten how the practice of writing makes you a better writer.

7. I am beyond ready for Fall. Yesterday was our Number One Niece's first birthday. When we got her invite a few months ago and saw the party would be at a park, I was really nervous about it being a nice day. I was hoping for no rain and nice temperatures. The 70's would have been nice. I need not have worried. It was 90 degrees. 90. Degrees. Is Fall ever coming?!?!? I'm ready for sweaters and boots and scarves and slouchy shirts and fleece lined leggings and a fire in the fireplace and hot chocolate. Do you hear me Mother Nature?!?! I'm done with this verrrrrry long Summer. Oh, but don't ice us in over Christmas. Please?

8. My father-in-law built us a kitchen table and it's a dream. It is a gorgeous family style farmhouse table that Henry is sure was designed just for him to lounge upon. He is constantly laying on it when we walk through the kitchen. Luckily there is a place nearby that sells unfinished chairs so we can stain whatever we pick to match the table. He doesn't build chairs anymore; which is understandable if you know how much work goes into constructing one, much less four.

Evie has just curled up with me and is slowly pushing my laptop onto the floor, so I'm going to wrap this up. Still have a few loose threads but there always are.

Allow Me to Reintroduce Myself

Hi. My name is Awn...

 and I am a procrastinating blogger. I started this blog three years ago as a way to stay in touch with my family and friends in Da Burgh when I moved to the Deep South (that'd be Pittsburgh and Texas). I loved to blog and I tried to do it regularly. And then I met this guy.

He's my hubby, and on here he goes by DH. Not for Dear Hubby but for Dark Horse. When we met I was going on a lot of first dates with finance guys. DH is a Star Trek loving, video game playing, P90Xing, 1/2 marathon running engineer and a co-worker dubbed him Dark Horse simply because he wasn't like anyone else in the race for my heart. Cheesy. But he is one of a kind. We recently got hitched. I didn't want to chance any other quirky singing baker spending the rest of her life with him.

If you live in North Texas, check out Freshold Photography. She rocks.

We currently have two kitty-cakes named Henry and Evie. Henry is my first boy and I live in terror of him getting out of the house and someone else taking him in. Clearly he's part Gigantor. Evie is a bit dim but she loves us and is our built in alarm clock.

I work as an audiologist in a pediatric setting and I love my job. I was promoted in the last year and am still adjusting to my new role. It's going to be challenging but I love what I do and where we're headed.

I'm not sure how this blog may change as I start writing again. I hope it's for the better and I hope that y'all reading this enjoy it.