Sitting on the couch with a beer at hand, waiting for the words to come. The beer, by the way, is pretty stellar. Martinhouse Stars Above, a raspberry sour. Living in the land of craft breweries has opened up my world, y'all.
Ok, I'll dive right in. The whole "we're not having kids" thing? That still hurts horribly. It is physically painful at times and it can creep up on me even on a good day. Things that we used to hope would happen someday...that aren't happening now. An example would be giving Henry meds last week. E had to work late and Henry is on a liquid oral antibiotic. So I sat on the floor, pulled him into my lap, wrapped my legs around him and popped his mouth open. Easy peasy. And my first thought was "I would have been a good mom" which led to tears while feeding the animals.
Grief isn't a straight line. It's more like this:
I don't know that we will ever come out on the other side completely. I believe, right now, that we will still have fleeting moments of grief as others hit milestones that we will never see. We never get to have a first day of school, a first smile, a first tumble from a bike, a first boyfriend/girlfriend, a first disciplinary failure (that was a guarantee). The list can go on and on.
Grief gets better over time. I logically know this. So on the bad days where there are more hits than not, I try to remember this.
And in the meantime we look for moments and days of happiness, or at least joy. Brief face snuggles from Evie, who has a new nickname - DJ Pickle. Enjoying spur of the moment days out. Netflix and chill with E. Going straight from work to the gym without needing to arrange for childcare. Staying up late and having no one to get up with early the next day.
None of it is what we would have chosen. But we don't always get what we would like.
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