1. When I do know my job and can defend myself without being a jerk about it. Not everyone plays nice in the sandbox. Sometimes I wonder if it's just a bad day. Or a bad year. Or if they really hate anyone who has a different opinion. I know I have bad days and sometimes a person just gets under my skin. But I'll admit that I do like being able to defend myself and what I do.
2. Seeing that I can work out longer and harder than I thought when I started. I'm not running 1/2 marathons over here, but it's a small sense of accomplishment when I can do the extra 10 minutes. The reality TV rotting my brain while I work out may have something to do with the extra 10 minutes. Lisa Vanderpump, if you're reading this (and of course she is), I hope that you see how ridiculous your staff makes themselves, and by extension, you look every Monday night. You're not a foolish or ridiculous woman. In fact you pretty much kick butt and I only wish I would ever be as successful as you are. But that staff...I'm only watching at this point to see most of them fall off their high horses. Sure makes me not want to visit LA ever. Ever.
3. Being financially responsible. Yeah, this is a boring grown-up thing. But it's pretty cool to set a budget, stick to it and then get to use the extra money to pay things off. Dave Ramsey know's what he's talking about! If you work the system, the system works. We've only been at it a couple months, but feel so much better, even this month, knowing where we're telling our money to go instead of wasting it on stupid disposable crap.
4. That some days you just need a bowel of cereal. And a husband who will run out at 8pm and choose a box for you. When you can't choose one yourself and you end up in a heap on the couch moaning "I don't know!" when asked what kind you're hungry for.
5. How awesome my friends are. It's not like I doubt that. Please, stay, I don't!!! But it can be easy to overlook the amazingness that encompasses my closest friends. Although I suppose it would be weird if I didn't think they were amazing...why would we be hanging out then? Weird.
Friday, December 5, 2014
Thursday, November 20, 2014
Hope
This song has spoken to me this week. It always brings me to tears, but this week it's been mainly tears of peace. Are those a thing? They are now. I hope it brings you hope as well!
**Edit - I had the video here for Worn by Tenth Avenue North, but it played automatically and thought perhaps not everyone wanted to hear it when reading my blog. So you should check it out if you'd like to hear it!**
And the lyrics of this one make me feel far braver than my own heart could ever be.
"VERSE 2:
**Edit - I had the video here for Worn by Tenth Avenue North, but it played automatically and thought perhaps not everyone wanted to hear it when reading my blog. So you should check it out if you'd like to hear it!**
And the lyrics of this one make me feel far braver than my own heart could ever be.
"VERSE 2:
I have heard You calling my name
I have heard the song of love that You sing
So I will let You draw me out beyond the shore
Into Your grace
Your grace
I have heard the song of love that You sing
So I will let You draw me out beyond the shore
Into Your grace
Your grace
BRIDGE:
You make me brave
You make me brave
You call me out beyond the shore into the waves
You make me brave
You make me brave
No fear can hinder now the love that made a way
You make me brave
You make me brave
You call me out beyond the shore into the waves
You make me brave
You make me brave
No fear can hinder now the love that made a way
You make me brave
You make me brave
You call me out beyond the shore into the waves
You make me brave
You make me brave
No fear can hinder now the promises you made
You make me brave
You make me brave
No fear can hinder now the love that made a way"
You make me brave
You call me out beyond the shore into the waves
You make me brave
You make me brave
No fear can hinder now the promises you made
You make me brave
You make me brave
No fear can hinder now the love that made a way"
Brave, by Bethel Music
I hope that if you're reading this you can find hope and bravery.
Wednesday, November 5, 2014
A New Day
First of all, thank you for all the sweet words, texts and messages following my last post. I'm trying to be transparent about what DH and I are going through. That's hard to do! It may not be the road anyone else has traveled, or maybe you're going through the same thing. But it feels very lonely even knowing other friends have had or are having the same issues while trying to have a family.
My Person and I were talking about this yesterday. One of the hardest things about being in this process is that you know people want to love on you, to make you feel better, to give you hope. But the hard truth of it is that I'm not promised to have a baby of my own. I'm just not. That doesn't mean we won't have a family if I can't, for whatever reason, have a baby. But I am being very careful to try and find hope in truth.
Today is a new day, as is tomorrow and the days after that. Today I'm choosing to see the joy in spending more time with just my DH. To make memories that would be impossible once life does change for us in time. To appreciate the time I have to curl up on the couch with a good book and a sweet Evie-Cake. To sip a glass of wine (well until our specialist tells me to lay off the juice) in front of the fire. To play chase with Henry through the house without worrying about tripping over any little ones, just my own two feet.
Today is a new day. Today I choose to see the joy before me.
Isaiah 49:16 "See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands; your walls are ever before me."
My Person and I were talking about this yesterday. One of the hardest things about being in this process is that you know people want to love on you, to make you feel better, to give you hope. But the hard truth of it is that I'm not promised to have a baby of my own. I'm just not. That doesn't mean we won't have a family if I can't, for whatever reason, have a baby. But I am being very careful to try and find hope in truth.
Today is a new day, as is tomorrow and the days after that. Today I'm choosing to see the joy in spending more time with just my DH. To make memories that would be impossible once life does change for us in time. To appreciate the time I have to curl up on the couch with a good book and a sweet Evie-Cake. To sip a glass of wine (well until our specialist tells me to lay off the juice) in front of the fire. To play chase with Henry through the house without worrying about tripping over any little ones, just my own two feet.
Today is a new day. Today I choose to see the joy before me.
Isaiah 49:16 "See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands; your walls are ever before me."
Monday, November 3, 2014
The Ugly Side of Trying to Have a Family
I am angry. I'm angry at so many things. I'm angry at our society that tells me I can be whatever I want to be and I can do it all. Society tells me that I can be a mother. So why am I not a mother? It's not enough to want something. Sometimes there are obstacles that are not able to be overcame. It feels like it today. I'm angry at Clomid. I'm angry at my body. I'm lashing out at everyone around me in my head. I want to throw things and break things. I want to scream until I no longer can speak. I want to curl up in a ball and never come back into everyday life. I want to be ok with where I am now. But I'm not. I want more than what I have. I want what it seems like absolutely every single absolute every other person in my life has.
This life I have should be enough. It should be enough to have a wonderful husband who loves me no matter how crazy I get. It should be enough to have two beautiful furbabies who think I hung the moon...or at least their food bowls. It should be enough that I have friends and family with little ones to love on. But it just isn't. It isn't enough.
This is when my mind starts to whirl in mad circles. Maybe I don't have enough faith. Maybe I'm being punished for something that I did, some slight, some wrong. Maybe because I want it so badly. Maybe I'm not good enough. And I know these are all lies but they feel true today. They feel insurmountable. Neverending. Abysmal. Satan is good at the abject and manipulating what he delights in.
An incredibly wise kid I knew said once that even when darkness seems to be all around, all it takes is the smallest light to make it flee. I know that light is waiting somewhere but today I'm covered in darkness.
In the darkness, I'm trying to remember that there is joy in every situation but I'm failing. I don't know why God has us where we are. I'm trying to seek the wisdom in this situation, what are we supposed to be learning, what is it that He has for us instead. But today I'm in the desert. I feel abandoned and nowhere near Sinai. But because I feel abandoned doesn't mean He's walked away from me. He's waiting for me to see Him again, to reach for what I know is near but can't seem to grasp in my disappointment and fear of what may not come to pass. The only way around where I am is to run straight through it into His arms. He's waiting for me.
Psalm 40:11 and 17
(11)"Do not withhold your mercy from me, O Lord; may your love and your truth always protect me. (17) Yet I am poor and needy; may the Lord think of me. You are my help and my deliverer; O my God, do not delay."
This life I have should be enough. It should be enough to have a wonderful husband who loves me no matter how crazy I get. It should be enough to have two beautiful furbabies who think I hung the moon...or at least their food bowls. It should be enough that I have friends and family with little ones to love on. But it just isn't. It isn't enough.
This is when my mind starts to whirl in mad circles. Maybe I don't have enough faith. Maybe I'm being punished for something that I did, some slight, some wrong. Maybe because I want it so badly. Maybe I'm not good enough. And I know these are all lies but they feel true today. They feel insurmountable. Neverending. Abysmal. Satan is good at the abject and manipulating what he delights in.
An incredibly wise kid I knew said once that even when darkness seems to be all around, all it takes is the smallest light to make it flee. I know that light is waiting somewhere but today I'm covered in darkness.
In the darkness, I'm trying to remember that there is joy in every situation but I'm failing. I don't know why God has us where we are. I'm trying to seek the wisdom in this situation, what are we supposed to be learning, what is it that He has for us instead. But today I'm in the desert. I feel abandoned and nowhere near Sinai. But because I feel abandoned doesn't mean He's walked away from me. He's waiting for me to see Him again, to reach for what I know is near but can't seem to grasp in my disappointment and fear of what may not come to pass. The only way around where I am is to run straight through it into His arms. He's waiting for me.
Psalm 40:11 and 17
(11)"Do not withhold your mercy from me, O Lord; may your love and your truth always protect me. (17) Yet I am poor and needy; may the Lord think of me. You are my help and my deliverer; O my God, do not delay."
Sunday, October 26, 2014
Loose Threads
I have a lot of things rolling around in my noggin, and not much of it is coherent...or maybe related? This is likely going to be a dumping post.
1. I am tired of hearing the word Ebola. I am tired of the fear mongering that the news stations are pandering. I am tired of the panic that others are succumbing to over this. Yes, it is scary stuff - it's unknown and that makes it more scary. Yes, you should be smart about washing your hands, etc. I personally do not think that we all need face masks to go outside our houses, and I live in the Dallas vicinity. I don't think that this is going to wipe out all of North America. I think it's damn impressive that this is the first time we've had to deal with Ebola here given the numerous travel that happens between those countries that are dealing with Ebola and the rest of the world. I think we should all be much more concerned with the flu and the number of people who choose to not receive the flu shot if they can.
2. I'm already tired of the early political ads here in the South. Beating me over the head with biased ads will not win my vote. Give me some actual information and then we can talk. This is exactly why I block certain "friends" on Facebook once the Presidential election machine starts up in earnest. I'm capable of having a discussion regarding why I have views and why I choose to vote the way I do. I don't respond well to someone shoving their views in my face while yelling "SEE?!?!? I'M RIGHT AND YOU'RE JUST IGNORANT!"
3. On a much lighter note DH and I nailed down our Halloween costumes. My work is having a costume contest and so the 80's are coming back with a vengence on Friday! Full blown leggings, lace and leg warmers. DH is going to be Bob Ross...I'm assuming only the parents who are helping little trick-or-treaters will know who he is. I'd be surprised if anyone under the age of 30 knows who he is. Evie also got into the Halloween spirit by trying to eat the Bob Ross wig and licking the adhesive off the packaging for my fingerless gloves. My exact words were "Stop licking that! It was probably made in China and will kill you!" She paused, considered, and continued on her quest for the 1.5 seconds it took me to wrench the cellophane away from her.
4. Henry had a surgery a couple weeks ago and we were finally able to remove the Cone of Shame for good this week. He is a rare one indeed. Most cats do not grow fatty tumors, otherwise known as lipomas. But Henry did. He had a little extra jiggle in the booty area when he walked. So now he is both tumor and hair free in a large part of his right back half. Our magnificent vet assured us the fur will grow quickly but for now it's like seeing the man beneath the clothing - he's got such long hair that it's easy for use to forget how much of his hulking self is hair.
5. DH took the PE exam this past week. I'm so proud of him! He took classes and studied for months. Now it's sitting on pins and needles for the next 2 1/2 months waiting to see if he passed. I have every faith that he did! He's currently enjoying some time gaming, something he hasn't had a whole lot of free time for lately. Can I just say I do not understand the video game side of my man? It makes my head hurt to think of sitting in front of the TV for that long shooting at things, driving cars or saving Ellie.
6. I miss blogging. Which is ironic...since I'm blogging. But I miss the ease that the words used to flow off my fingertips with. The way my older posts were witty and funny. Well, at least to me. I have forgotten how the practice of writing makes you a better writer.
7. I am beyond ready for Fall. Yesterday was our Number One Niece's first birthday. When we got her invite a few months ago and saw the party would be at a park, I was really nervous about it being a nice day. I was hoping for no rain and nice temperatures. The 70's would have been nice. I need not have worried. It was 90 degrees. 90. Degrees. Is Fall ever coming?!?!? I'm ready for sweaters and boots and scarves and slouchy shirts and fleece lined leggings and a fire in the fireplace and hot chocolate. Do you hear me Mother Nature?!?! I'm done with this verrrrrry long Summer. Oh, but don't ice us in over Christmas. Please?
8. My father-in-law built us a kitchen table and it's a dream. It is a gorgeous family style farmhouse table that Henry is sure was designed just for him to lounge upon. He is constantly laying on it when we walk through the kitchen. Luckily there is a place nearby that sells unfinished chairs so we can stain whatever we pick to match the table. He doesn't build chairs anymore; which is understandable if you know how much work goes into constructing one, much less four.
Evie has just curled up with me and is slowly pushing my laptop onto the floor, so I'm going to wrap this up. Still have a few loose threads but there always are.
1. I am tired of hearing the word Ebola. I am tired of the fear mongering that the news stations are pandering. I am tired of the panic that others are succumbing to over this. Yes, it is scary stuff - it's unknown and that makes it more scary. Yes, you should be smart about washing your hands, etc. I personally do not think that we all need face masks to go outside our houses, and I live in the Dallas vicinity. I don't think that this is going to wipe out all of North America. I think it's damn impressive that this is the first time we've had to deal with Ebola here given the numerous travel that happens between those countries that are dealing with Ebola and the rest of the world. I think we should all be much more concerned with the flu and the number of people who choose to not receive the flu shot if they can.
2. I'm already tired of the early political ads here in the South. Beating me over the head with biased ads will not win my vote. Give me some actual information and then we can talk. This is exactly why I block certain "friends" on Facebook once the Presidential election machine starts up in earnest. I'm capable of having a discussion regarding why I have views and why I choose to vote the way I do. I don't respond well to someone shoving their views in my face while yelling "SEE?!?!? I'M RIGHT AND YOU'RE JUST IGNORANT!"
3. On a much lighter note DH and I nailed down our Halloween costumes. My work is having a costume contest and so the 80's are coming back with a vengence on Friday! Full blown leggings, lace and leg warmers. DH is going to be Bob Ross...I'm assuming only the parents who are helping little trick-or-treaters will know who he is. I'd be surprised if anyone under the age of 30 knows who he is. Evie also got into the Halloween spirit by trying to eat the Bob Ross wig and licking the adhesive off the packaging for my fingerless gloves. My exact words were "Stop licking that! It was probably made in China and will kill you!" She paused, considered, and continued on her quest for the 1.5 seconds it took me to wrench the cellophane away from her.
4. Henry had a surgery a couple weeks ago and we were finally able to remove the Cone of Shame for good this week. He is a rare one indeed. Most cats do not grow fatty tumors, otherwise known as lipomas. But Henry did. He had a little extra jiggle in the booty area when he walked. So now he is both tumor and hair free in a large part of his right back half. Our magnificent vet assured us the fur will grow quickly but for now it's like seeing the man beneath the clothing - he's got such long hair that it's easy for use to forget how much of his hulking self is hair.
5. DH took the PE exam this past week. I'm so proud of him! He took classes and studied for months. Now it's sitting on pins and needles for the next 2 1/2 months waiting to see if he passed. I have every faith that he did! He's currently enjoying some time gaming, something he hasn't had a whole lot of free time for lately. Can I just say I do not understand the video game side of my man? It makes my head hurt to think of sitting in front of the TV for that long shooting at things, driving cars or saving Ellie.
6. I miss blogging. Which is ironic...since I'm blogging. But I miss the ease that the words used to flow off my fingertips with. The way my older posts were witty and funny. Well, at least to me. I have forgotten how the practice of writing makes you a better writer.
7. I am beyond ready for Fall. Yesterday was our Number One Niece's first birthday. When we got her invite a few months ago and saw the party would be at a park, I was really nervous about it being a nice day. I was hoping for no rain and nice temperatures. The 70's would have been nice. I need not have worried. It was 90 degrees. 90. Degrees. Is Fall ever coming?!?!? I'm ready for sweaters and boots and scarves and slouchy shirts and fleece lined leggings and a fire in the fireplace and hot chocolate. Do you hear me Mother Nature?!?! I'm done with this verrrrrry long Summer. Oh, but don't ice us in over Christmas. Please?
8. My father-in-law built us a kitchen table and it's a dream. It is a gorgeous family style farmhouse table that Henry is sure was designed just for him to lounge upon. He is constantly laying on it when we walk through the kitchen. Luckily there is a place nearby that sells unfinished chairs so we can stain whatever we pick to match the table. He doesn't build chairs anymore; which is understandable if you know how much work goes into constructing one, much less four.
Evie has just curled up with me and is slowly pushing my laptop onto the floor, so I'm going to wrap this up. Still have a few loose threads but there always are.
Thursday, October 16, 2014
If This Doesn't Make You Laugh, We Can't Be Friends
I know I haven't written lately. This brought a smile to my face today, and with all the fears, concerns, unknowns and uncertainties our world holds these days I thought I would share. Don't worry, the word Ebola doesn't come up once...well, other than when I just typed it.
Friday, September 26, 2014
For Ethan
Dear Ethan,
You, kid, were amazing. You knew that, right? Or did you? Did you realize that you were amazing? That you were more wise than adults? That you touched thousands upon thousands of lives? From the first time I met you, I knew you were special. No, it wasn't just your knowledge of Star Wars. It wasn't even your vast understanding of Legos, although I enjoyed the schooling you provided. It was your sweet nature, your compassion for everyone around you, your sense of humor and your enduring faith even when you were hurting. Your mom and I spent many moments in tears together in the time we spent together. Over the big and the little. Over what could have been and what was to come. The possibilities and the opportunities before you, both the potential awesome and the terrifying. I spent hours in prayer over these same possibilities, in tears as I talked to God about you. I was in awe of you, the way you faced each single possibility. You faced them with grace and humbleness and a certainty that no matter the outcome you were going to win. You faced them with a courage that only comes from knowing that your time here was, in all probability, limited. And when miracles occurred (we both know they were miracles), you didn't take them for granted. Remissions occurred and relapses followed. Through it all you never lost faith. You were a champion for God. I'm gonna paraphrase something you said - that you didn't want anyone to be mad at God or stop believing in Him because your time here was ending. Thank you for showing me what wisdom is possible at 13 years old because you trusted and loved the Lord. I'm far older (stop giggling about my age) and I'm just striving to reach that. You have impacted me in ways that you never knew and my life is infinitely better for having known you. My grief is small compared to those who knew you so much better and spent infinitely more time with you. My solace is that while I grieve because the world is a dimmer place without you in it, I rejoice because you are with Jesus. You won, kid. You won.
Love Awn
PS. Listen up Stage IV Unfavorable Neuroblastoma, you did not win, you bastard. You did not win.
You, kid, were amazing. You knew that, right? Or did you? Did you realize that you were amazing? That you were more wise than adults? That you touched thousands upon thousands of lives? From the first time I met you, I knew you were special. No, it wasn't just your knowledge of Star Wars. It wasn't even your vast understanding of Legos, although I enjoyed the schooling you provided. It was your sweet nature, your compassion for everyone around you, your sense of humor and your enduring faith even when you were hurting. Your mom and I spent many moments in tears together in the time we spent together. Over the big and the little. Over what could have been and what was to come. The possibilities and the opportunities before you, both the potential awesome and the terrifying. I spent hours in prayer over these same possibilities, in tears as I talked to God about you. I was in awe of you, the way you faced each single possibility. You faced them with grace and humbleness and a certainty that no matter the outcome you were going to win. You faced them with a courage that only comes from knowing that your time here was, in all probability, limited. And when miracles occurred (we both know they were miracles), you didn't take them for granted. Remissions occurred and relapses followed. Through it all you never lost faith. You were a champion for God. I'm gonna paraphrase something you said - that you didn't want anyone to be mad at God or stop believing in Him because your time here was ending. Thank you for showing me what wisdom is possible at 13 years old because you trusted and loved the Lord. I'm far older (stop giggling about my age) and I'm just striving to reach that. You have impacted me in ways that you never knew and my life is infinitely better for having known you. My grief is small compared to those who knew you so much better and spent infinitely more time with you. My solace is that while I grieve because the world is a dimmer place without you in it, I rejoice because you are with Jesus. You won, kid. You won.
Love Awn
PS. Listen up Stage IV Unfavorable Neuroblastoma, you did not win, you bastard. You did not win.
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