This Is Getting Real

I know it's been awhile since I posted about our struggle to have a baby. There have been some things that I've been keeping quiet about regarding our next steps. No, I'm not pregnant...at least not yet. It is a difficult decision to know how much to share on here. Some days I like being transparent as Saran Wrap. And other days I want to hide under a hoodie under a blanket under a comforter, as in opaque. DH and I have talked a lot about this dilemma. We want to be open about how hard it is to make a freaking baby! But we also want to allow ourselves privacy for both the good and the bad parts.

There is a lot of grieving that happens through this process. But today's post is a happy one.

So here's the down and dirty of it all. We fall into the unexplained infertility category. IUI didn't work. IVF isn't a good option, both statistically and financially. I've got the equivalent of the dented can bargain bin going on when it comes to my eggs. (Sorry if that's TMI, but this is a post about infertility.) It's just a fact of life that as I get older the quality of what's coming off that production line is compromised compared to my younger self. Adoption is as financially draining as IVF and foster care is something we can't emotionally comprehend at this point.

Four months ago DH and I sat down with our doctor, the amazing Dr. K, and looked at our options. What we came down to was embryo donation. I've touched on this before here, but never shared what we decided to do following that appointment. Embryo donation is exactly what it sounds like. Some amazingly compassionate couple who have had successful IVF in the past can donate any frozen embryos that they still have.

The way our clinic works is that they only use donations from patients there. They are not part of the networks so they can be sure of every part of the process. Once we are offered and accept embryos there will be a few tests that I need to have done, uncomfortable ones I'm sure. Then some hormones to make sure that everything is nice and cozy in the oven. After all of that they will thaw and transfer the embryos to me.

We're excited to share that we are currently first on the list at our clinic! 

This means that when the next set of embryos are donated we will have a chance to learn about them and accept them. This has all moved really quickly in the past week and it's a mixture of terrifying and exhilarating. DH and I have decided to share when we accept embryos but we'll keep the rest of the timeline under wraps so we can decide when to share either the great news that we're going to have a little snuggle bug or the less than desired news that this part of our life has come to an end. Either way we know that we already have a family - he and I.

The Weekends

Yep, that's plural.

Last weekend brought torrential rain and cooler weather. It finally is feeling kind of fall-like around these here parts. And when it gets cooler all of my baking and cooking and nesting instincts come out in full force. The rest of the year they're at half force, FYI. So it was a weekend of pudding...

...and bread. Heavens do I love this bread recipe. Last weekend I added cheddar and rosemary. I've shared it before but here is the website again if you're interested in a nearly fail proof recipe.  http://www.simplysogood.com/2010/03/crusty-bread.html

And when I say nearly failproof I mean it. I was chatting with DH and I accidentally put in 2 1/2 times the amount of yeast. Then I looked in the bowl, swore and decided the heck with it. Either it would work or it wouldn't, but I wasn't throwing away 3 cups of flour that might turn into bread. It sure rose quicker than usual, but it turned out fine when I baked it today.

This weekend brought Halloween, of course. That meant pumpkin and bat cookies. Crossfit costumes (we didn't get any pictures), passing out candy and champagne on the patio.

Preparations for DH's next birthday party are underway and our house is a land of Amazon boxes, otherwise known as cat traps. More pictures in a few weeks.

As we're all facing another Monday and this one with earlier sunset thanks to daylight savings time, I leave you with this:

I'm the captain meow. (Totally found this on Reddit and then grabbed the pic from Imgur.)

Happy Sunday!

Because it's Monday...

...and I'm two deep in Glenlivet.

MUSIC MONDAY

Defying Gravity

I will admit I am a fan of Idina Menzel as Elphaba but this rendition is beautiful. I don't really like Buzzfeed in general, but this is worth watching.

And if you're interested in another kick ass singer, check out Brandi Carlile at Newport Folk Festival via NPR. This woman, y'all, she sings what is in my heart. Just look at that photo from the festival. The entire hour plus is rock your socks off amazing but what I love the most is that they really sing. This version of The Story? It is the love song that I wish I could have ever written for DH. She states about halfway through that you know you're a band when the electric goes out and you're still a band. These three? Definitely a band. She and the twins fill this hour with a magic that I would have cut off my right arm to see in person.

Let's put it this way...if this baby stuff never works out I'm flying around the US following Brandi Carlile on tour. Yep, I'll be a roadie. DH can join if he'd like.

Who are you listening to tonight? What artist is capable of putting out there the essence of who you are?

I Have An Idea

So I've been thinking about what to do with this here blog. I don't want to have a blog that is centered on one thing like baking or books or just my ramblings. It wouldn't work for me. So I'm going to go back to writing about what I know. Some days that will be books. Oh I love books! Some days that will be trying to have a baby and all the crazy emotional crap that accompanies that. Some days that will be about baking. What I've tried, what I want to try, why I love it so much. Some days it will simply be about my day or my cats or my DH of a husband (Dark Horse, FYI).

Tonight I declare ramblings!

Have you guys seen the new Lego commercial? It's a hit as far as advertising goes. I was invested from second one and I didn't even notice the Lego's everywhere until the end shot. I'd love it just as much if it was a little boy instead of a little girl because it's about the feeling of creating something. Who cares whether you're male or female? Everyone has imagination.

Last weekend DH and I went out on a day date to one of our favorite watering holes. Then we walked down to a cigar bar. This picture makes me feel like a bad ass with a stogie and a scotch. What it doesn't tell you is that it's really hard to get the taste of cigar out of your mouth.

For the first time ever I made banana pudding from scratch. I didn't know that this stuff existed until 6 years ago since it's not a thing in the North. A fabulous friend bought me a Southern Living entertaining cookbook a few years ago for my birthday and I fell in love with the recipes immediately. But I have never used it until yesterday to actually make a recipe. Maybe I didn't feel southern enough. You know, I'm a Yankee. Don't tell anyone. We were having over my parents-in-law and when DH was asked either cobbler or banana pudding he chose the puddin'. What I loved about this recipe is that it used homemade vanilla pudding. One of my most cherished memories as a kid was helping mom make pudding. We usually had homemade and it was torture waiting for it to cook and then cool enough to not burn the crap out of our mouths. Once we were old enough we had the job of stirring the pudding while it cooked. It seemed to take an eternity to go from milk and sugar and cornstarch to blissful vanilla silky goodness. FYI, as an adult it still takes an eternity of around 15 minutes to go from "hmmm..." to "aw yiss". What I didn't know was that I was potentially inviting controversy and strife into our household. Yes, you read that right. The recipe called for a meringue top instead of whipped cream. Apparently this is a controversy in the south. Luckily for me my Texas family does not hold strong opinions on this and we all enjoyed dessert.

Henry has become very lovey and vocal as he's gotten older. Today he meowed for treats. This has never happened in 3 years. He sat on my lap yesterday and snuggled in for a nap. He's talking to us more. I'm convinced he's dying, y'all. DH had to tell me to calm down when Henry started all this because it was so unlike him. I forget life before him and thus I forget that he's only 3. I think he's stretching his personality and seeing what he likes. Do cats do that?

I think he's pretty much the most handsome man ever. Well, the most handsome cat man ever.

Happy Sunday Evening!

Happy Tuesday Everyone!!!

Just because it's Tuesday.

(https://www.reddit.com/r/aww/comments/3nlbr2/war_is_hell/?ref=share&ref_source=link)

Oh, and for the record....protein powder in oatmeal before you cook it is a bad idea. Breakfast is not a winner this morning.

Apparently I've Been Gone

I realized today that most of the blogs that I was following have either been on hiatus, like mine, or no longer exist. So....where does a girl go to find some inspiration? I have loved using list posts in the past, and even better if they are one where you can post your blog and get some feedback, new readers and internet love! But I am up a creek at the moment. Thus, you see before you my own listing blog post. Surely there is a more convenient name than "listing blog post"? Oh wait, Google just informed me that they're called "listicles". Cool.

                                  Things I'd Like To Change 

1. Evie's insistence that she will absolutely positively starve to death before 9pm. This is conveyed by yowls, meows, groveling and generally being pathetic. She weighs 13 pounds, you guys. She's not starving. And there is almost always food still left in their bowls by feeding time.

2. My left arm strength. Kickboxing shows you where you're strong...and where you're weak. My left arm is a joke. If I ever get into a fight with one hand tied behind my back, it'd better be my left hand that's tied. I've been going to 9Round for about 2 months now and I have a mean right hammer fist. My core is stronger than it's ever been and I'm starting to see some ab definition. My legs, while not my favorite part of my body, have always been a powerhouse and have seen me many many miles. But that dang left arm. I'd be better off in a slap fight than a fist fight.

(http://www.popsugar.com/entertainment/photo-gallery/34596251/image/34597139/He-also-best-physical-comedy-like-slap-fight-Jess) P.S. if this works then I'll be shocked.

3. My annoyance at drivers who don't use turn signals, use them but merge regardless of whether there is room, or simply are more absorbed in their phones than in the 3 ton (I really don't have a clue how much cars weigh) piece of metal they're haphazardly steering down the street. Even though my annoyance might be warranted it doesn't make it worth the rise in my blood pressure.

4. I'm a little bit extroverted. Just a wee, wee, infinitesimal bit. I wish I could hold that back a bit in the morning at work. I don't think everyone else is as much a morning person or an extrovert. But every morning I take my coffee and want to chat. Awn, just go sit down! Sheesh. If I were them I'd probably throw coffee on me. Sorry girls!

5. I really truly wouldn't read as fast as I do. I miss a lot of details and when I go back and reread the book again I am amazed at what I missed. The plus of this is that I love to go back and read books again. I've read series four or five times and will read them again. But I think I might miss out on some of that initial wonder that comes with reading a book for the first time.

6. I love sleep. I mean, I wouldn't change the fact that I enjoy sleep. But it would be nice to be more of a night owl and an early bird. Can you be both? 

This is the inauspicious start of a blogging comeback. Can I say that if it's my blog? Just call me the Comeback Kid (that's not trademarked, is it?)

A PSA on Infertility Etiquette

I've been thinking about writing something like this post for a long time. It's a subject that is near and dear to us, obviously. And it's a subject that lends itself to people feeling uninformed, awkward and unsure of how to talk to their friends who are in the midst of it. (Don't worry, we stumble ourselves when trying to form words for this.)This is a mini PSA for those of you who might not know the ins and outs of fertility treatments.

1. There are a variety of fertility treatments and options...IUI, IVF, donor sperm, donor eggs, surrogacy, embryo adoption or donation, adoption. They all involve a scary amount of statistics and failure rates. It's overwhelming and daunting. What makes it bearable is people who ask what is involved. It's ok to ask questions. Most of us welcome them if we've shared about our infertility with you. Which brings us to #2...

2. If someone hasn't told you that their having trouble then don't bring it up. We're clearly very open about this situation that we're in. But not everyone is. So even if you've been told that a friend is trying for a baby and it's not working, don't offer your condolences. This is an insanely private thing for a lot of couples. Right or wrong there is a lot of shame and guilt associated with not being able to have a baby. To have that blown wide open by someone who you didn't tell personally is a breach of trust for a lot of people. There are exceptions of course. But tread lightly.

3. If you've asked someone about their plans for children/if they have any/if they want children and they give you a standard "Someday" or "We'd love to" answer don't ask further questions. Most of us will handle that standard "When are you having kids someday" question with a smile on our face or at least a pleasant answer. But when the questions continue it can be devastatingly difficult to not break down.

     I bring this up because of the viral video right now regarding how people shouldn't ask women about children. I don't think that others should censor what they say when the situation is unknown to them. As an example if I meet a patient for the first time and they ask me if I have children (which they do because the vast majority are grandparents themselves) I don't get offended. They don't know that we've been trying for 2.5 years. There's no way they could know and it's not something I'll share with my patients. So if that offends me then I'm probably gonna have a bad time interacting with society instead of seeing it for what it is - someone trying to connect.

4. I really really REALLY don't want to hear about your cousin's surprise baby after they stopped trying. The fact of it is that most couples conceive without any intervention in one year. There is a 10% chance of pregnancy every month at my age, according to our Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE). Those are some slim odds. So when you add in actual medical issues there's not a lot of room for pregnancy to happen on it's own. Relaxing won't work here, sticking pineapple cores unmentionable places won't help and neither will all the supplements in the world.

5. And on that note, we love our RE. We wish we never had to see him but since we do, we're thrilled that he's a straight shooter. He gives us stats for his clinic. Every doctor may have a different viewpoint and methods of treatment. Because our plan of care isn't the same as someone else's that you know doesn't mean diddly squat. Ours wouldn't work for them and theirs wouldn't work for us. It's just that simple.

6. Finally, again, if you have questions just ask us. We have a great support system and they are truly great because they don't offer platitudes to make themselves feel better or try to make us feel better. They allow us to be completely honest when we want to be and to curl around our feelings when we need that extra protection. They say that this sucks and we agree. There are so many different options for different circumstances. If our journey can help someone else know that there are options then that may be the silver lining to this whole thing.

I'd like to reiterate that we know this is an awkward subject. It can feel taboo to ask questions or wrong to not assure your friends that they will get pregnant. But while we desperately want that outcome we know that it may not happen for us. In the meantime we'll drink some scotch and hang on to hope. Do you want to wait with us?