I'm not sure how to be a bride. Anyone else remember this feeling?
I feel like I'm this tiny little gnat facing a mountain that I have to get through. Not around, but through. And every dirt clod I manhandle out of the way has the chance of setting off an avalanche. Which will bury me. And maybe when that happens I'll just make myself a cave and stay there until all the hullabaloo has died down.
Planning a wedding is a tricky business. There are many many many things that have to be taken into consideration. And while people tell you "This is your day. You and your fiances. Do what makes you happy." what they really mean is that "Do what makes you happy unless it might make me unhappy." That sounds harsher than I intend it to.
Weddings are emotional affairs, or so I'm told. I feel like I am in the middle of a minefield and I really don't know where to put my feet next. I say all of this while understanding that my particular minefield is not all that big. But when you're worried about losing a limb, every step is fraught with anxiety and danger.
We've already managed to hurt feelings, cause strife, second guess every decision we've made. I've shed more tears over this one far off day than I thought possible. And not all happy tears. Every step we've taken has been deliberated over and mulled over and prayed over and been sure that it's the best decision for us. And yet we continue to unintentionally hurt others. Perhaps sometimes those are justified hurt feelings and sometimes not. I only pray that DH and I have the wisdom to know when we should reconsider and when we need to stick to the decisions we have made.
Otherwise that Justice of the Peace thing is looking better and better.
Thanks, Shell. I totally needed to pour my heart out.
Planning a wedding was seriously the most stressful thing I ever did and I had lots of help. I just kept second guessing my decisions. Then one day my dad offered me all of the money we would be spending on the wedding to put down on a house since I seemed so miserable. I knew in that moment that I needed to go with my gut and stick with what I had always wanted since my husband and I had started to get serious in our dating days. We ended up having a fantastic wedding. People sent us thank you notes for inviting them. You will get there too. Trust yourself and your heart and it will lead you happily down the aisle! :-)
ReplyDeleteThanks, you probably have no idea how much I needed this affirmation at this moment. Thank you.
DeleteI was in your exact spot almost a year ago (end of July). I had just gotten engaged, my now hubs and I had picked the date and I was ready to start getting things done. We had selected the people we wanted to stand up for us and we were ready to go...or so I thought. My supposed (now ex) friend ended up showing her true side to me, totally making me feel like I was in trouble for getting married before her and pretty much ruining my whole wedding process until I literally had had enough, both mentally and emotionally, and I relieved her of her duties in the wedding party. I never thought I would be become that person, the one who kicked someone out of their wedding but it was making "my day" unbearable. But I tell you, once I did it, the skies opened up and it was only sunshine from here on out. Doing it allowed me to see that all that matters is what makes my hubby and I happy and I was able to focus on that. Our wedding was phenomenal, I could not have asked for a better day. Said ex friend is supposedly getting married this coming weekend and a part of me hopes that she had people giving her problems through her planning process but ultimately I know that I'm the better person no matter what.
ReplyDeleteTrust your heart, like I did, and you'll know you are doing no wrong!
People literally get married every day, why should it be this hard? Thanks for the advice!
Deleteweddings can be stressful..there were afew very important things to me-great pics, wedding party and everything else i was like WHATEVER.
ReplyDeleteGood luck ;)
I think that's the hard part - what is most important and what don't we care about enough to fuss over it.
DeleteWeddings are stressful. Which is why I didn't have one. I wish you the best of luck and hope your day turns out just as YOU imagined it. It is YOUR day, don't forget that! Good luck.
ReplyDeleteStick with what works for you! Our oldest and her fiancee planned their wedding three years ago. They paid for it out of pocket since they wanted to maintain control. They set a very low budget and held it at my parent's house.
ReplyDeleteIt was everything they wanted-lovely and simple, basically a family gathering with a wedding ceremony in the middle.
His mom was very, very concerned about the casual nature of the wedding, the meal was a BBQ we cooked ourselves (not catered), what would people think, etc. My hubbie and I were all for them doing it as they wished, and offered our help wherever and whenever it was needed; they just had to ask.
When the day was done, everyone had a wonderful time, my daughter's 20+ cousins had a ball. Especially sweet was that the bridegroom's parents just loved the simple and beautiful wedding, because it concentrated on the love between the newlyweds, and the love and support of family.
Love...we're shooting for love...seriously I know they all love us, and it's so important to remember that through this.
DeleteI don't say this often but... screw 'em.
ReplyDeleteBeing a bride is about becoming a wife. It isn't about planning the perfect party. Stay focused on why you are doing this, stay focused on the commitment to your groom. Do what speaks to the life you will be building together. Because that is what will matter in the days, months, years, and decades to come.
I have to laugh when I look at the mental list of my Wedding Survival: Remember love, screw 'em, it's all about family, it's all about you. I'm sure it all goes together in a way that works!
DeleteI remember feeling this exact same way. I remember crying and feeling awful at several points leading up to my wedding. But the day itself? It was one of the most beautiful days of my life. It all will work out. Second-guessing is natural with something like this but trust yourselves and follow your heart.
ReplyDeleteI'm trying really hard to stop that second guessing!
DeleteWhich is exactly why I went to the local judge executive and did the deed. I wasn't having all that mess from everyone else. Wasn't happening.
ReplyDeleteRemember at the end of the night you become a wife! You are planning a marriage not a wedding :) I didn't understand that when a friend told me as I was making wedding plans 8 years ago.
ReplyDeleteMy mother and I got into it a few times over details over my wedding ceremony as did my husband's mother. Heck! My uncle called up to yell about decisions I had made. Everyone will try to have a say in it but what matters is that you are getting MARRIED and not WEDDIING'ED.
Enjoy what you can of what is left of your planning.
Missy, oh girl. That is a good word. I actually just said this to someone the other day. It's just one more day. What's important comes after that day. If we're always focused on the wedding how can we get ready for the marriage?
DeleteYesss wedding planning is soooo hard for that reason! Opinionated family members... ugh. But really, PLEASE do whatever makes you and your fiance happy - that's all that matters! It really is YOUR day and everything should be about the two of you and what you like. I distinctly remember arguing with my mom many, many times, about how she wanted bacon-wrapped scallops as an appetizer, and I didn't (Hubs is allergic! That just didn't seem right!). Granted, she was paying for everything, but still. We did not have scallops at the wedding :)
ReplyDeleteI totally need the advice, but I have a pressing question. Please tell me your husband is allergic to scallops and not bacon??? It would be tragic to be allergic to bacon.
DeleteI wanted to elope. Hubs wanted the big wedding. So he planned it, except for my dress.
ReplyDeleteAfter it was over, he said WHY didn't we elope? It's supposed to be a day for the bride and groom, but family drama can come out in full force.
Just remember that you can never make everyone happy, so just focus on what the two of you want. xo
DH is pretty involved which helps a huge amount! I'm not trying to navigate it by myself, thank Heavens.
DeleteOh, honey! I hope things calm down a bit. This sounds so simple but maybe it will help. Perhaps you and your fiance could sit down and make a list of the things you both really want out of your wedding day? Try to stay focused on those things, and maybe it will help weed through the stuff that seems important but really aren't. It's tough! Hang in there.
ReplyDeleteAdrienne, a list might be in order. I didn't think a lot of this was important but then I don't really want to give up a lot of it either....maybe a priority check is just what we need.
DeleteBeing a part of a big crazy Italian family planning a wedding, I realized that there is no way to get around people being upset or mad or insulted, etc.
ReplyDeleteBut life seems to be like that in general. I'm terrible at letting things roll off my back, but that's what I had to learn to do. It's your wedding day and you need to make you and your other half happy. No one else.
Stopping by from Pour your heart out! :)
Big. Crazy. Italian family. Are we related? Cause it sure sounds like it.
DeleteI love it that you totally got it right - it's YOUR day unless what you want is in conflict with what someone else {with authority at some point in your life} wants.
ReplyDeletePersonally, I thought that hearing all this crap about how it was MY day etc was completely inaccurate. How could *I* have a great time at my wedding if a bunch of people there were pissed at me? Inevitably it became clear that there was no way to please everyone! That's when eloping looked like a good option. You just have to do your best and move on. Looking back at our wedding pictures I know it was all exactly the way it should have been and I don't regret a thing!