No More Apologies

I'm a people pleaser. It's really hard for me to tell someone no or to not make sure someone else is ok. Often this is at the expense of my own time, emotion and resources. One area that I've noticed I apologize for is not having kids.

Yes, you read that right. How insane is it to apologize or feel guilty for something that I have no control over? Are you thinking when would this happen?

I'm done apologizing for having money to go to a nice restaurant. For having the resources to go away on vacation. For having the planning and financial security to be debt free much sooner than we thought. For using StitchFix every other month or getting my hair done at a salon or not buying clothes on sale or dropping $100 on a bottle of kick ass scotch or sleeping in to whatever time I want on the weekend or going to the gym 4 times a week or having furniture with pointy corners. The list goes on and on.

Because here's the thing. We would much rather have a baby. But we don't. And wanting a baby doesn't mean you get a baby. It doesn't make it so. So while I'd rather have to worry about diapers and daycare costs, I don't have to. Instead we have to build a life without those worries and figure out what that life will look like now.

What happens when a friend brings up one of these things is that I feel guilty that I don't have a child. I feel shame that they may think I didn't want a baby enough. And I feel like I have to stress that we'd rather have a baby than nice dinners and classy furniture and no debt (someday). And frankly, that's bullshit (sorry for the French, Mom). I shouldn't have to feel guilty or apologize for moving forward in small ways from our grieving. It's been just shy of a year from our failed transfer. It's a step forward that I can sometimes be around pregnant ladies and newborns. These look like small steps, but they are in fact huge steps toward the new "now".

I have been blessed to have a close circle of friends that span my lifetime from toddler-hood to a SIL. Those friends get carte blanche to complain about their kids. That's what friends do. They need to vent and discuss the hard things and the things they wish they had and the way they wish things were in the moment. I have a church family that understands where we've been and I never feel like I have to apologize or explain away my happiness in where we're heading. I have a band of barren b*tches online that support and celebrate the steps forward even while they are in the trenches still of treatments and interventions. I am so lucky to have the wide range of support and love that I do walking the "after" road of IF.

This is where it gets a bit sticky and I'm going to put my foot right in it. If you have a casual friend that you know struggled with IF and didn't get the happy ending, don't complain to them about how hard it is to have kids and all the things you've given up. I'm sure you have plenty of friends who are moms that you can commiserate with. I know it's hard to raise kids, to be strapped for cash, to want sleep so badly you can taste it. But unless we're close friends it is really difficult to feel empathetic with you over your multiple children and the complexities that come along with them. In fact, if you have a close friend that is struggling or grieving over IF and possibly moving to a childfree life, maybe don't vent to them as much as you'd like to unless they invite you too or if you've simply asked if it's ok with them.

So my next step forward? No. More. Apologies. No. More. Guilt.