Jillian Michaels, I Dislike You Heartily and I Kind of Love You

My lovely friend Kristen over at A Little Something for Me is a lesson in transparency. In a fantastic way. Kristen has ninety-three thousand four hundred and seventeen things to get done every day as the momma of three little ones. Yet she blogs regularly. And they're not simple updates or short insights. Her posts are well-written, carefully thought out and beautifully stated looks into her life, her fears, her joys, her needs and her abilities.

I aspire to this. To being transparent. To sharing my fears and accomplishments. To being vulnerable to others thoughts and judgements.

To that end, I had a really crappy day today in the gym. My whole life my self-image has ranged from shaky at best to really great. And since I've moved to the Deep South it's been mainly really good. I think the lack of clothing layers here helped me understand that there are few Hollywood worthy people walking around. In Yankeeland there is more clothing, so less reality and more fantasy - no one can tell what's under that sweatshirt. Anyway, I started to run a year and a half ago and that has done wonders for my self-esteem. My focus has shifted from being thin in the world's eyes to being healthy. But there is still a part of me that focuses on what the number is on the scale, the way I measure up to others, how much did I eat in a day that I shouldn't have, what size my clothes are.

I went to the gym this afternoon and jumped on the treadmill...and jumped off 7 minutes and a measly 88 calories later. My goal? Three miles. My actual? A bit over 3/4 of a mile. I felt weird and shaky and tired. As I walked home and mentally beat myself up I remembered that our cable company has on-demand exercise routines. Enter Jillian Michaels and a Last Chance Workout.

When I was still in Yankeeland, I had done Jillian and Bob's different work-outs on demand and they always kicked my proverbial and literal butt. I had never done a Last Chance Workout. She basically does circuits and cycles in strength and cardio. I was pleasantly surprised to find that it was not nearly as difficult as it used to be to keep up with Jillian and her sadomasochistic style of motivation. By the end of the 30 minutes I was sweaty, winded and proud that I kept up...even with the mountain climbers.  After more than 30 seconds of mountain climbers I will tell you anything you want to know if you'll let me stop.

Maybe I should have stuck with the run to push through and prove to myself that I could have finished. Maybe it was my body's way of telling me that I needed a change. Either way, I'm glad I didn't punish myself by suffering through a horrendous run instead of letting Jillian tell me how it is.