Foibles

foible [ˈfɔɪb^əl]

n

1. a slight peculiarity or minor weakness; idiosyncrasy

2. (Military / Arms & Armour (excluding Firearms)) the most vulnerable part of a sword's blade, from the middle to the tip Compare forte¹ [2]

[from obsolete French, from obsolete adj: feeble]

We are all feeble. We all have a foible. A vulnerable spot that is tender to the touch. A weakness ingrained into our character by a life experience. Isn't it ironic that our weakest spot may be the location we attack with most often? Think of all the sword fights that are seen on stage, in movies and on tv. Do they attack closer to the hilt of the sword? Do they feint and parry with the broadest section of the blade? No. Attacks come from the end or point of the sword. We push out the most vulnerable section of the sword in an attempt to see if we are stronger than our opponent. Each person's opponent is different and often intangible. Food, self-image, acceptance of where you are in life, jealousy, pride, greed, trust, love, family, sense of worth are a few that come to mind immediately.

That opponent can best us, can outsmart us, can needle us, can overcome our better senses. Wow. Way to be optimistic, right? I think opponents overpower us when we don't acknowledge their existence. When we hide our heads and pretend that these issues don't exist. When we believe that we can do it all on our own. 

 

I would like to share my opponent. I don't write these words lightly or to cause anyone else pain. But I feel that we all have opponents and when they are acknowledged and seen in the light of day, they are easier to strike with the hilt of the sword. My opponent involves a bruised heart and damaged idea of what I deserve.

 

Before I talk about that dark opponent, I want to share an idea I had over a year ago when traveling home for my birthday. I had a relationship end a few weeks earlier and while sitting in the airport words started to pour from my pen, words that I didn't know existed within me. Below is that journal entry.

 

"I don't even need to write about everything that has happened in the last two years because it's written on my heart. That's a great visual - how much room is left on my heart for my intended to write? Everyone has been greedy with my heart even when they didn't treat it with care. Do our hearts recover on their own or do I need to erase parts to make room for new? How have I written on my own heart? Is it clear what I've written or is it muddled? Undecipherable? I'd believe that it is clear, marked deep, even if no one knows what it says. Because the things we tell ourselves, the truths and the lies are ingrained. To change them, delete them, reface them to create a new landscape is the hardest work of all. I think the lies will be the most time consuming. How many years have I listened to Satan tell me that I am not enough, not worthy of love, not pretty, not skinny, not in control, too fat, too boring, too scared. The truths would only need a dusting, maybe a re-arranging. There aren't as many of them, therefore it would be an easier chore all around. Maybe sharpen some of the edges so they can cut deeper. If our hearts were hurt by the good, by truth, maybe we would start to listen to what that truth tells us. What God is telling us. What He's trying to get ingrained and marked boldly upon us. His truth is more powerful than anything Satan can promise us. And His truth will triumph every single time without fail, despite the spangles and glitter Satan uses to tempt us. Think of what I can stop doing if I write that truth on my heart! Stop questioning, striving, bargaining, worrying, obsessing, feeling worthless, stupid, ridiculous, angry,. How freeing that would be! So why hesitate? Why even question how to choose or make this decision? The hesitation comes from the idea of the work to be done to eradicate these feelings and ideas from my heart. They are so much a part of who I am, who will I be without them? Who am I intended to be and do I want to be that person?"

 

I have done a lot of resurfacing in the last year. My heart was paved freshly and marked upon by God and His love, grace, mercy and plan for me. Lately it has been written on by a wonderful man who does not hesitate to speak truth and love. His strokes are deep and true and will last the remainder of my life. But there are marks, like fault lines, that rear their ugly heads from time to time. Cracks and lies written on my heart that suddenly cause me to stumble, to question what I know is true.

 

My opponent is one that is hard to put a name on. If I had to title it, I would say it is jealousy born from rejection. I want to make it abundantly clear that this issue has absolutely nothing to do with my current relationship. This is a formerly fierce but weakening opponent that has manifested from previous relationships. Not to pull any punches here (is that the term I want?), but in past relationships I have been walked over when it comes to other women. Women who were "just friends" turned out to be anything but in almost every relationship I have ever had. This was not a one-sided issue. I would encourage my boyfriends to have friends who are women. I expected, although I didn't realize this, that they would eventually leave me. I wasn't worth fighting for. I should be walked away from. 

 

Acknowledgement of this opponent has not solved the problem. There is no wishful thinking or magic spell that I can conjure up that will kill this foible. Vast progress has been made, but I still succumb occasionally to fear, trepidation and illogical thinking.I take solace in the fact that my current boyfriend, the dear DH, is an amazing understanding man who I can talk to about this fear, who understands that this is something that he cannot solve but that I need support for anyway, who is, maybe most importantly of all, willing to listen to my fears and how I want to move apart from them. 

 

I want to strike with the hilt of my sword so that there is no weakness left, no foible present.